Vegas: what the hell happened? pt. 1!

SO! guess who has two thumbs, a working set of ovaries and went to Vegas recently? this guy! as you may or may not know, i am a total magnet for ridiculous shit so Vegas seemed like the place to be. what i am about to share with you is a condensed, highlighted version of the events that transpired, i say condensed because most of at least one day is sort of hazy.

teacher, mother, secret lover.

teacher, mother, secret lover.

Jess, Jenna and I got in Friday night at 8 and the most logical thing to do was to immediately start consuming as much alcohol as possible. now we were staying at Caesars palace because we are classy total dirtbags, and we weren’t really mentally prepared to deal with everything Vegas has to offer but as we walked through our hotel, my first thought was “well there are a lot of classy people all up in here” because in my mind, i talk to myself in Ebonics.

once we reached the strip though, that theory went right out the window. if you have never been to Vegas, there are four strict types of people that go there:

-Total and complete sluts

-slobby, fat americans with various pro-war t-shirts

-normies

-persian men:

quickly men! to the hotel giftshop! i need novelty keychains!

quickly men! to the hotel giftshop! i need novelty keychains!

we clearly fell into the third category, but i did try pretty hard to get into that fourth category.

So in Vegas you can literally drink or smoke anywhere and it took me a little while to get over my crushing Canadian guilt of being seen drinking in public, and by a little while, i mean at least 8 minutes. But i have to say, once you get past that hurdle you can really enjoy the most random or normally boring things that occur on the street because, hey, at least you have a drink.

WHOA TWO DOGS DOING IT! BEST VACATION EVER!

WHOA TWO DOGS DOING IT! BEST VACATION EVER!

So anyways, here is one of many delightful tales of horror and intrigue to come.

Dwayne is our new best friend.

Old Vegas is really something different then new vegas, it has shrimp cocktails for a dollar, old men a plenty and you just know someone in the back of one of the casinos is getting his head smashed in a vice for card counting. We decided it would be best to get hammered and take a little voyage over to this side and i must say, i do not regret that choice.

We spent the first 40 minutes or so wandering around drinking until out of nowhere i hear

“Nigga, what the fuck?”

not too shocking i know, but this was coming out of the mouth of my friend Jess. who is blonde. and white. so as i prepared myself to start running i realized she was talking to an extremely drunk black guy who had in fact, called her a “nigga” first. It was love at first sight for all of us as we gazed upon this drunken, stumbling man who looked like the love child of old dirty bastard and buckwheat.

NEAR, FAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE I BELIEVE THAT MY HEART WILL GO ON

NEAR, FAR, WHEREVER YOU ARE I BELIEVE THAT MY HEART WILL GO ON

So we obviously invite him to drink with us and we start to tell him about all the wonders Canada has to offer, including that you can smoke pot and no one really cares that much. Dwayne, as we dubbed him, is extremely excited by this but has just one concern with Canada:

“but i heard that shit was like 30 days of night?”

Any rational person would assume he was asking if it gets dark for 30 days in a row where we live. I of course assumed he was asking me if Canada was overrun with vampires. either way, i responded with

“yes, that place is crawling with vampires so that’s really the only downside”

pictured: Toronto

pictured: Toronto

he was a little disheartened by this so i decided to try and explain to him the wonders of our free health care system by asking him how much it would cost to get your leg fixed as a US citizen if you broke it. he responded with

“Man i don’t know that shit, i got shot in the leg not too long ago though”

i was not mentally prepared for this answer, so i scooted up to walk with my friends. Dwayne remained in hot pursuit.

after aggressively hitting on all three of us, he explained that he did love the white girls, even though they want to put him in jail. He didn’t really go into why exactly all white girls want to put him in jail, so i logically asked if he had “baby mamma drama” he did not.

After sharing booze with him, he seemed to get extra spicy and set his sights on Jenna. I don’t know how she couldn’t fall for him after such proclamations of love that included:

“Girl! i wanna have yo’ Baby!”

“What are you? cuz baby you got some wiggle”

and

“Girl! i wanna have yo’  Baby!” (repeated at least half a dozen times)

if you look close enough, you can see jennas soul leaving her body.

a love to rival romeo and juliet

we decided at this point the chances of rape increased at least 30% so it was time to leave our friend Dwayne and retreat back to a Vegas where food costs more then 88 cents. But despite our bolting away from him while he was conspicuously doing a crack deal, Dwayne will always live on in our hearts and mind. godspeed you precious little soldier, godspeed. You are truly a king among men.

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