Hey assholes, I don’t know if you know this about me but I’m a really kind and loving person. I rarely visibly roll my eyes at people if I can help it and I only laugh at homeless people after I pass them in the gutter. So I was thinking to myself today, what would be the most unselfish act that I as a hot (???) woman (???) could do? the answer is simple my friends: compile a list of grossly disfigured men that I would let feel me up. Hello Nobel Peace prize!
1. The phantom of the Opera
Well, this is a no brainer here people. I recently watched/ruined this movie for a friend (sorry) and I have to say this right off the bat: the phantom is a huge dickhead.
Before I watched the movie I thought him and this girl had a tumultuous love affair that wasn’t approved of by the general public but they persevered anyways. Turns out I was totally wrong. The phantom is a total creep who basically kidnaps this woman and then threatens to choke her fiancee to death with a chain unless she makes out with him or something.
But despite these follies, I would still totally bone him. I was basically waiting the entire movie to see the gross side of his face and I have to say I was pretty disappointed when it made its appearance:
(also, just skip to 1:43 to see his gross face. you’re welcome)
See now that wasn’t so bad was it? He didn’t have the droopy eye/missing ear that most burn victims have. I was expecting more of a piggy nose so I don’t see what the big deal is. Plus he can sing, owns a boat and his one side of a face is better looking then most mens whole face. The only downside is that he is clearly completely insane and favours puffy shirts. But still totally bone worthy.
2. The man without a face
I’ve only seen half (jokes!) of this movie when it was TBS and as far as I know its about Mel Gibson being an accused child molester but it turns out he’s just a normal guy with a messed up as all hell face. Fair enough, people do make mistakes.
Pedophile or not, one half of this guys face is totally foxy. Who here wouldn’t sleep with a young Mel Gibson? back before he was all bloated and hatefilled…MEOW! I’m beginning to see a pattern here in that as long as 50% of a mans face or body is in good shape, I am all for it. I don’t know if that makes me seem like I have incredible low standards, or if it makes me look like a real humanitarian. I’m hoping the latter.
So anyways, this man without a face actually does in fact have a face, just one half of it is messed up, I like those odds. He does, unfortunately, suffer from severe gross ear syndrome but I think if he grew his hair out or maybe wore some sort of jaunty hat, it would really take the focus off. Perhaps a tophat? Not quite as good looking as the phantom but as far as I know the man without a face never stalked a woman. Plus he was a professor before his ‘incident” so he probably owns a lot of jackets with tweed elbow patches, and I do love me some elbow patches.
3. Willem Dafoe
Now this one I really had to think long and hard (hehe) about. Willem is by far the most disfigured man on this list, so it was a really heart wrenching decision for me to make. Would I actually be able to love/bone someone this unappealing? on one hand, It would be cool to live in his giant stone castle on the outskirts of town, but on the other hand it would become extremely tiresome to deal with the hordes of angry villagers and their pitchforks constantly trying to burn him at the stake.
I think though it would be my humanitarian duty to love this creature and perhaps get to the bottom of what happened to him to disfigure him so much. I’m assuming some sort of chemical fire or maybe a…wait. Whoa. Whoa. Stop the presses because apparently he isn’t disfigured at all. He is just extremely unfortunate looking. Yikes. This is awkward.
Well in that case there is no GD way I would throw it down with this guy, and how dare you try to win sympathy from people by pretending to be disfigured. You disgust me sir. However I did love you in The Boondock Saints.
4. anyone with an eyepatch
Any man can instantly look 80% more suave and 94% more mysterious with the simple addition of an eyepatch. In fact, any handsome man I’ve seen I’ve almost always thought their look could be improved with an eyepatch. Much like how I assume these same men think I would look better if I wasn’t covertly farting quietly the entire time I’m in their presence. But that is neither here nor there because eyepatches are what we’re talking about here friends! now most men in movies that have eyepatches are evil, or at least a bit dastardly.
Either way I am all aboard. I just love a good eyepatch so if you are ruggedly handsome and have an eyepatch then at least you know I will always love you. Alternatively, if you are ruggedly handsome and do not have an eyepatch you should probably look into that. I once saw a guy in a suit holding a briefcase and he had an eyepatch. I nearly ripped my shirt off then and there. Are you kidding me? how fucking rad is that guy! an eyepatch is an instant conversation starter and I would be really proud to say “oh, that’s my boyfriend..the one in the eyepatch” and then it would take people a little while to get the courage to ask me about his eye and I would sigh deeply and say “oh, we don’t really talk about the incident..but its really brought us closer together” how fucking supportive would I look? jesus christ. I kind of want to poke out my boyfriends eye now just for the mad street cred I would receive for dating a one eyed guy.