So i dont know if it runs in my family or something, but crazy people tend to gravitate towards us. more specifically my mother. i can leave her sitting unattended in a public place for roughly 5 minutes and when i come back there is a huge possibility that a crazy man is either doing magic for her or telling her about his dead cats.
anyways, the fates must have been against me recently because i had quite possibly the most outrageous conversation with a lunatic ever. I was riding the Vancouver skytrain (a hotbed for crazy people) when an older guy sat down infront of me. I should have known what was coming the moment i assessed his mullet, wonk eye and jean vest with no shirt underneath, but i had a pretty good window seat so fuck moving. Worst mistake of my life.
It was pretty sunny out and I was sort of smiling while looking out the window, no doubt reminiscing about a wicked awesome zinger I said earlier or thinking about that scene in the movie Jack where Robin Williams falls down a flight of stairs. Anyways, I guess he thought I looked friendly so he decided to talk to me about the weather. I agreed that it was indeed hot out, and he proceeded to tell me that he knew it was hot out because his dogs refused to go outside. pretty normal small talk right? WRONG.
He then tells me that this specific kind of dog was bred for the explicit reason to kill grizzly bears. Apparently this guy got his hands on the most efficient killing machine alive. have you ever seen a grizzly bear? those things are massive. A lot of thoughts went through my mind, the first of which being why the hell do you need a dog to kill grizzly bears, the second of which being how can i get out of this conversation as fast as possible.
Anyways, I sort of just gave him one of those courteous “oh wow, neat” and started rummaging through my purse to end this conversation. He then tells me that his dog once killed a bald eagle in a park. Unfortunately my entire upper body couldn’t fit in my purse so I was forced to sit there and sort of awkwardly laugh. Now I don’t know what kind of dog could kill bald eagles and bears but I don’t think this guy should be Its owner.
He brings up the heat again and tells me that he spent a lot of time in New Mexico in the 60’s. I start furiously texting my friend Darcy about this new development. Before he could get too into his, I assume, drug addled stories about killing prostitutes, he asks me where I’m from. I tell him and he then tells me that he used to drive his friend there sometimes to dance. She’s a dancer you see.
There is really only one response available when someone tells you they used to chauffeur a stripper to dance at a disgusting club in your hometown. That response is “Oh.”
Even after I gave him possibly the worst response ever he still talks to me. He tells me that he also spent some time working in my area for a TV show. More specifically: for The XFiles.
Now I almost fall out of my seat at the mention of my Television Messiah and I immediately ask him which episode in which season. He tells me Season 3. I ask him again which episode, he says he doesn’t know but that he hates that show and likes The Outer Limits better. I immediately take him as a filthy liar and make a mental note to check my DVDs for any sightings of a greasy wonk eye in season 3. I would also like to take this time to mention that as soon as he said The outer limits was better, I knew he was bat shit insane. i mean, you don’t need to love the X files, but The Outer Limits? thats fuckin’ bush league.
So I’m a little miffed at my crazy friend for getting me all excited about the chance to bro down about the XFiles, But he continues to tell me about how
“that one guy on the show is a jerk and i almost fought him”
If i could only see one thing in my life, It would be David Duchovny fist fighting a crazy man. I instantly start fantasizing about said fist fight and how it would go down. I assume in an old tymey way, with lots of jumping around slowly circling your fists in the air and making taunts and boasts from the 1920’s. Fuck that would be awesome. Also, David would be shirtless (clearly)
I snap out of my wonderful daydream when he tells me he also worked with Gary Busey. I completely lose my shit at this point so much so that i send Darcy an ALL CAPS TEXT:
“HOLY SHIT THIS GUY SAID HE WORKED WITH GARY BUSEY I’M LOSING MY MIND”
Darcy immediately instructs me to ask him which movie, I am about to but then Crazy Man launches into a tirade about how sunscreen is a conspiracy by the government to make people feel safe about the UV rays that the Government is using to test nuclear warheads.
At this point the situation is really going from “Funny Ha-Ha” to “Funny Uh-Oh” and I’m a bit panicked because I don’t know how to respond. He starts getting more into this tirade when I notice a small tremor by my seat. It takes me a few seconds to figure it out but it turns out the guy sitting next to me is shaking from trying to hold in his laughter so hard. I now feel better about this situation and try to pretend like me and crazy man are in some sort of bizarre dinner theater about mental illness. He is my leading man.
So now with the full intent to be one half of a “you wont believe what I saw on the skytrain story” I totally play this dude up and goad him to tell me more about his “findings”
This is where it gets a little weird….er. weirder.
He says it doesn’t matter what happens to us because we are all going to die in 2012 and all people that are pregnant should just abort them now because they’re going to burn in 2 years anyways.
Suddenly I no longer want to be in a dinner theater with this guy. I do however tell him that a lot of people believe in 2012 and that I think Jerry Bruckheimer is making a movie about it so it must be true.
He obviously doesn’t know who Jerry Bruckheimer is because he probably lives under an overpass.
Now if you have followed me up to this point you must know that the conversation is getting progressively more and more insane and also terrifying. well here’s the homerun. I swear this is 100% fact.
According to our good friend, Mr. Mental Health, the world will end when we get sucked through a black hole and collide with the twin of our sun, which is named the super sun. (legit) This collision will cause the earth to tear in two. Any survivors will be reincarnated.
Now, this is the point where I decided that no matter what came out of his mouth I was going to get up at the next stop no matter how far away It was from my final destination and wait for the next train.
Depending on which side of the earth you are on when it splits in half will determine what you are reincarnated into.
If you are on the top half you will be reincarnated into an angel.
If you are on the bottom half you will be reincarnated into a dinosaur.
The guy sitting next to me is clearly not laughing any more and is just sort of staring out the window, probably thinking about how he is going to hug and kiss his wife when he gets home and say “I just need to be held right now”
I, on the other hand, just stare at this guy and struggle not to laugh because at this point, Im not sure whether or not he will shank me with a dirty needle. I get up at the next stop and abruptly walk away while he shouts “Nice talking to you sweetheart!” behind me.
So what did I learn from this experience? Never talk to a stranger about the weather. Oh and that I need to find and own this Grizzly bear killing dog. sweet.