hey so turns out im an angry, spiteful person who makes observations about things i hate. so lets talk about that some more shall we?
this is something i cannot abide. at all. i hate it more then words could ever express. i think god decided to punish me for routinely getting drunk on his sons birthday by making me fall in love with a man who has broken his nose twice.
it is literally the most disgusting sound in all the land. if i had a choice between hearing someone snore or listening to a loop of Fran Drescher laughing for 7 hours, i would probably have to go with the nanny. snoring is just the goddamn worst, and i know lots of people snore that aren’t super fat bastards, but whenever i hear someone snore i always automatically assume they are huge fat bastards. im sorry snoring community.
oh and those breathe right strips? they don’t fucking work. i put all of my eggs in the breathe right strip basket only to have those eggs brutally smashed the second i was jarred awake by the sound of angry mouth breathing. Im not kidding here, my boyfriend spends most of his nights on a couch, its like we’re an angry married couple on a goddamn sitcom.if there was some way i could trade my pinky toe for the ability to never hear snores again i would. i mean, what the fuck has my pinky toe done for me lately?
uck. i cant stand hippies. they always pop up when you least expect them. playing hackey sack or smelling terrible. if you know someone who has one of the following: a gigantic hemp necklace, several sublime cd’s, dreadlocks, or terrible B.O, then you have yourself a hippie. may god have mercy. Hippies haven’t been culturally relevant since the 60’s so they, much like Asbestos in school walls, should be left in that decade
ugh they are so terrible, they’re always talking about saving the enviroment but then they get too high/distracted by beading things to do anything about it. oh and thanks for constantly wearing Che Guevara T-Shirts, we get it. WE GET IT. whenever i see a group of hippies just “hanging out” “spreading good vibes” and “enjoying life” it just fuels my silent rage. In my opinion, living and angry, hate-filled life is really the best revenge you can get on a hippy. that and i guess throwing McDonalds wrappers out your car window.
anyways, at least hippies are there to make me think about whether or not i put deoderant on that morning with their pungent underarm reminders. so kudos for that.
3. upc codes
hey remember when you were little and you could buy a coke and dig out the plastic disk under the lid and it would either say you won or lost? yea well they still have those but they had to make them all futuristic by making you drag your lame ass to a computer and type in some friggin upc code to see if you won. that sounds like a whole lot of fucking work to see if i won a pop worth $1.58. man, eff this.
when i was little it was simply confined to Soda bottles, but now these things are everywhere and they are so needlessly involved. its like “ooh check this upc code in your mars bar wrapper and join this online community and make a dog avatar go on quests to see if you won a promotional frisbee” fuck frisbees.
am i the only one who is enraged by this? i can’t be. this is a prime example of people getting too goddamn excited about technology. if it isn’t broken don’t travel to the future and try to fix it…or something like that.
4. those fucking shoes with the wheels in them
hey, anyone who has ever used these: are you aware you look like a gigantic horses ass? you know what works just as well? fucking walking. or, if you need to get there faster try running. or jogging. or just a slight speed walk. or a bike. or get someone to piggyback you. or: now, this is a pretty radical idea here, WEAR FUCKING ROLLERBLADES.
these things are so fucking terrible and i don’t know anyone who doesn’t roll their eyes at the sight of some douchebag kid skidding by on these. thank god they seem to only be confined to malls. i have never seen them anywhere else except on the feet of a 15 year old on his way to orange julius.
maybe if they came out in the height of rollerblade popularity, they would be acceptable. what friggin exec came up with this idea?
“hey! you know what was really popular for awhile in the 90s? rollerblades! you know what never lost its popularity ever? shoes! can we somehow combine the necessity of wearing shoes with the total gayness of wearing rollerblades? IVE GOT IT! ROLLERSHOES! GET MY WIFE ON THE PHONE AND TELL HER WE’RE GETTING THOSE NEW FLOORS SHE WANTED, IM HITTING THE BIG TIMES WITH THIS IDEA!”
I’M SORRY..ahem, I’m sorry for the caps lock but i just needed to get my passion across about these rollershoes. is that what they’re called? just rollershoes? it seems like the same brainiac who would come up with this idea would also be a big fan of pointless Z’s and make it “Rollershoezzzz” or some shit. fuck.