I never wanted it to come to this. But alas,we just moved to a new city and dont know anyone (if you live in kelowna can you be my friend?) my boyfriend is out of town on business (hooker business) and we somehow own a copy of Daredevil starring Ben Affleck. “oh, it was cheaper to buy it then to rent it” Matt claims. This just further brings up the question as to why you would even want to rent it. anyways, we own it. we also own fast and the furious: toyko drift but i really don’t want to talk about that. I first proposed this review idea to a friend of mine and she replied “you dont have to be a hero! dont do it!” in an all caps text message. thats probably not a good sign but i have a lot of vodka. A LOT.
if you aren’t familiar with this movie, its about a blind superhero played by ben affleck. I was aware of Daredevils existence before this movie but i mean holy fuck how lame is a blind superhero? why the hell does he have his own movie and Nightcrawler doesnt? anyways, heres the trailer so you know what we’re up against here:
well that looked awful didnt it? and not in a “i know this movie is so bad its going to be good” sense. just bad.
Anyways, lets get down to this. much like my ugh…review of beverly hills chihuaha, i will be drinking throughout and giving updates as the movie progresses its…”plot” so lets begin!
Alright its the quintesiental flashback scene to BlindBens childhood where he was obviously bullied and his dad was a drunk.
So apparently, he saw his dad punching someone in the neck in an alley and he spazzed out and ran away and somehow toxic waste spilled on his eyes after a skateboarder scared a forklift driver and he stabbed some toxic waste containers that are apparently legally allowed to be transported in downtown new york. what a pussy. ok, if i saw my dad punching some dude in an alley i would be all “holy shit dad, how’d you get so cool??” not run away.
alright, so he’s in the hospital and he’s blind now only except he isnt blind he can see through fucking walls in this crazy blue vision. Ok. what? hold the fucking phone. So the kid gets toxic waste spilled in his eyes and now he can see better than before? i thought this was about a blind superhero. if anything, this blind guy has an advantage over everyone else because he can see through a fucking wall and be able to tell if his ex girlfriend or something is coming his way. fuck this guy. Im already enraged. oh and he has super hearing too, so that’s neat. Dickhead.
alright, well now in this heartwarming montage it shows ben reading braile and whatnot. Ah FUCK. FUCK. Im so enraged. they explained it that his sense of hearing gives him weird sonar like a bat? AHHHHH LIKE A BAT? LIKE A MAN WITH THE POWER OF A BAT? ARGGHHHH.
5 minutes later-
I have successfully pounded my drink and im feeling a bit better.
AHAHAHA the blind kid is “watching” his dad box and i cant get over how fucking funny it would be to see a blind kid at a boxing match. anyways, i guess his dad was supposed to take a dive and he didnt and i think we all know where this is going if you have ever seen a superhero movie.
After the Obligitory father killing-
Ben is gayly crying over his dead body and he is now crushing a rose that was left on his fathers corpse in his hand therefore making it bleed. that would make more sense if he grabbed it from the stem end, but he grabbed it from the flower end so i just have no fucking idea.
Grown up Ben-
i guess he sleeps in some sort of deprevation chamber? its like a metal coffin filled with water. what a pervert. oh god the soundtrack is starting and i think soundgarden is playing. jesus.
1 minute later-
so…he’s a lawyer. and he just used the term “Justice is blind”
JUSTICE IS BLIND. A BLIND LAWYER. FUCK.
i dont know if i can make it through this.
I guess some guy got off the charge of raping a girl so Ben is all “Justice will find him!!!”
Obligitory Costume putting on scene-
so. um. he has one of those blind people poles and he uses it as nunchucks. I really, really, don’t know if i can keep watching this. Did people legitimately watch this in the theater? also, if he’s blind who made this suit? did he use his bat sonar? this movie raises so many questions. mainly whether or not God exists.
three fight scenes later-
So, he pushes some guy onto the train tracks then says
“That light at the end of the tunnel isn’t heaven…ITS THE C TRAIN!!”
then im guessing he laughed to himself about this witty comment while everyone on the train was forced to watch in horror as they run over a man. I assume the train conducter hung himself weeks later.
Daredevil also marks his territory with a flaming Double D, which i think David Duchovny should consider doing after he leaves a restaurant.
So after a long night of killing men, he returns home to a message from his..HOLY SHIT HE HAS A KEY RING HOLDER ON HIS WALL BUT ALL THAT’S ON IT IS BLIND STICKS. ahahahha. oh yea, so his girlfriend dumped him and then he popped a bunch of pills. Fade to black.
Ugh. so Ben and his friend go out to lunch and Bens all “holy shit, hot girl at 4 o clock!” only its not a hot girl, its Jennifer Garner. He could sense her dimples with his bat sonar. And he hits on her by playing the blind card. what an asshole. She then ditches him and then when he grabs her wrist to stop her from leaving she starts kicking the shit out of him. what the hell? is this a new york thing? they’re straight up having a showdown in a park in front of chubby Mexican children. I need a drink.
They’re now balancing on teeter totters while kicking each other. did i die?
several drinks later-
That huge black guy from the green mile is a bad guy and hes going to set up jennifers dad for something. im unsure of what because i was in the kitchen. So here we have colin farrell at some bar playing darts and hes a really good shot so i guess thats his power? so he sharked some dude at darts and then the guy called him an irish piece of shit. (oh no you din’t!) so Colin, appropriately, stabbed him in the neck.
Also, he has a gigantic bullseye carved into his forehead. I probably should have mentioned that earlier.
Uh.. ok, so now colin Farrell is on a plane and some old woman was talking to him so he fired a peanut into her mouth and killed her. seems pretty reasonable to me.
One brooding daredevil scene on a rooftop later-
Im not going to lie to you guys, i was in the kitchen making reheating chinese food so i have no clue whats happening. Bennifer are up on some rooftop. also, how weird is it that Ben Affleck dated two women named Jennifer back to back? too bad you couldn’t put Jennifer Garners personality in Jennifer Lopez body, eh Ben?
Alright, so now they’re kissing in the rain and its so beautiful and romantic. I am also kissing someone beautiful, and his name is Mr. Vodka.
Whoa, so now they’re humping. What a slut. I would never give it up to a blind guy after one rooftop kiss. Well maybe if it was Affleck, he was the bomb in phantoms.
AHAHAH ok so hes at some gay ball and a guy accidently knocked his blind stick over and then picked up it and said “cool colour” thats fucking rad. How ballsy is that? i mean, once you knock someones blind pole out of their hands you are 100% sure he is blind, why would you comment on the colour. i really wish this movie was just about that guy.
Alright so he walks up to Jennifer, smells her and then smiles. does this work on most women? did they even write this into the script or is this just how Ben picks up women?
“dont worry guys, i know just how to end this scene!” Ben declares then playfully taps his nose and winks. fuck this guy.
several minutes later-
Colin Farrell rolls into town driving erratically ona motorbike (He’s Irish) and now him and Daredevil and throwing shit at each other on the street. im unsure as to why but whatever i guess.
AHH so Daredevils blind pole goes into Jennifers dads chest after Colin Farrell throws it and Jen starts shooting wildly into the air. This is much how I imagine Holiday dinners at the Busey home go down.
Several boring scenes later-
Jesus christ, Kevin smith is in this. does he live in a papoose strapped to Ben Afflecks back? these two are joined at the hip. You don’t see Matt Damon hanging out with a bearded goon and maybe thats why he was in the Departed. Im just saying Ben.
Also, Evanessence has played in the last 2 scenes. This movie is like a musical time capsule from 2002. I really hope we get to hear some P.O.D soon
One terrible Training montage later-
Jennifer is all set to kill Daredevil. she stabbed some bags of sand to sharpen her skills and got a kicky new outfit. lets see how this rooftop confrontation will unfold.
Well, she’s dead. Colin Farrell showed up and stabbed her, then kicked her down some stairs. God i love the Irish.
Well its time for the showdown between Colin and Ben in a church. so far its just them throwing shit at each other which is hilarious, but not very efficent.
ALRIGHT. Colin Farrell just said “Lets bring in the noise, lets bring in the pain” then hit Ben with a candelabra. I want to die. And he just fell through a window for some reason and Ben said “Bullseye” while looking down at his mangled corpse. Jesus H Christ. Is this not over yet? they killed the bad guy, right? ENOUGH WITH THE BAD LINES.
oh fuck, i forgot about that black guy. damn it. i had my finger on the stop button and everything.
So after this intense showdown, the black guys all “ill tell everyone who you are!” and Bens all “well, then you’ll have to tell them you got beat up by a blind guy”
uh, really Ben? Is that the last Ace up your sleeve? self deprecating comments about your blindness to scare your opponents into silence? you blind ball bag.
Alright. So he beats the bad guy and bla bla, epilogue.
So here we have it. I watched Daredevil. It was fucking terrible and it took me 5 drinks to get through it. It really raised alot of questions, namely
-Why exactly was he called Daredevil?
-Why did they not at any point explain why Colin Farrell had a bullseye carved into his head?
-Why was this made?
-They made a spin off movie starring Jennifer Garner called Electra, but how is that possible if she died in this one? she wasn’t a superhero before her dad died so it couldn’t be a prequel. Fuck.
Well. I’m going to go hang myself. Goodnight everyone!