Art (???)

now, on a recommendation from a friend i decided to check out some “art” that is drawn accidentally created by animals. this got me thinking that maybe there are even more retarded forms of art out there that people are legitimately buying and making. well strap on your crazy hats because its about to get WEIRD. also, if you are an artist i would suggest you stop reading right now because you might want to kill  yourself after finding out turtles walking across canvas are more successful then you. and I’m talking with the ladies as well. anyways, lets get this show on the road!

Pet Art.

I assume there is a very small niche of people that would purchase art done by an animal and that group consists of:

-eccentric billionaires

-lonely divorcees

-eccentric divorcee billionaires

-psychopaths

-furries

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but I don’t think a random college student would choose to put up a picture a cat drew with its tail. they would clearly put up the poster of John Belushi from Animal House

ART

ART

So lets take a look at some of these “Creations”

"memory of a spring morning"

"memory of a spring morning"

 

wow so that’s shitty. did you guess that an epileptic seahorse painted this? close! it was a dolphin. whether or not it had epilepsy is unclear but for the sake of argument lets say it does. So what we have here is a case of “dolphin trainer humanized its subject way too much” they made it carry a paint brush and then made it awkwardly jump towards the canvas while shaking its head back and forth. I feel bad for the dolphin because you know it thought there was going to be fish. but there was only art.

after painting, the dolphin put on a beret and used the term "kafkaesque"

after painting, the dolphin put on a beret and used the term "kafkaesque"

But wait! it gets better! this painting along with 30 others like it are being shown in an art gallery. The art gallery is in Lithuania, but still. I drew a picture of a horse smoking a cigar once, why isn’t that in an art gallery? stupid dolphins.

why is this a book but my memoir didn't get published?? fuck.

why is this a book but my memoir didn't get published?? fuck.

 

You see that book? yea, its legit. that is a real book. i have even seen it with my own peepers. I stumbled upon it in a library randomly and i don’t know if i was high or what, but for some reason i didn’t take it out and then, of course, never return it. This book boggles my mind. why does it exist? who published it? who purchased it and put it in district libraries? WHY? I have to assume its a joke book, like Kramers coffee table book. but something tells me its not. possibly because i think we all know of at least one person that would buy this seriously. They would also buy this:

I..I don't even know. I laughed at first but now i have a really troubled look on my face.

Whats really creepy is that they're dancing to German Nazi Techno

 

Ugh. so lets take a look inside “why cats paint” if the answer is anything other than “because we put their food bowl on the opposite side of a canvas on the floor” then they are filthy liars.

Hey! that dog wants to be included too you racist cat.

Hey! that dog wants to be included too you racist cat.

 

I really don’t know what to say about this. this whole entry is a really baffling ordeal for me. Does the dog need to be there to get the creative cat juices flowing? also, how gross is the phrase “creative cat juice” Well, this book also has in depth analysis on Cat scratch patterns on furniture. i shit you not. if you can somehow get your mitts on this book, you will not be disappointed. you will, however, be very disturbed.

oh you're an artist? good thing i didn't drown you in a sack for ruining my chair..since you're an artist and all i'll let it slide.

oh you're an artist? good thing i didn't drown you in a sack for ruining my chair..since you're an artist and all i'll let it slide.

Blood Art

Well as weird as pet painting is, there is a far more disturbing art scene going on. I’m serious, this is all kinds of fucked up. Its blood art. more specifically, menstrual blood art. I am not making this up. I barfed a little in my mouth when i found out about it but then i thought to myself “well, The internet, you have done it again” If the internet was a person it would have killed itself long ago and all its suicide note would say is “What has been seen cannot be unseen” 

But there is an entire community dedicated to blood art, and here are some of the members thoughts on blood art:

“It seems like such a waste to me that so many periods went by without my doing something with them. I could have made art but I just flushed all that blood down the drain”

GAH. Well i guess we should all be thankful she’s at least getting her periods and not having children and naming them Artemis or some shit.

“I stumbled upon this community today as I was looking for information about using menstrual blood to paint with. It’s an idea I’ve been interested in for a long time. I promised a friend of mine I’d make a painting for him with my period blood.”

That friend of yours wants to eat your skin and hair. Either that, or he thought you were bullshitting when you told him about your “idea” and he’s going to be shocked when you present him with a bloody drawing. Good god people.

So anyways, lets uggh look at some of these? ugh.

GAHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE

GAHHH KILL IT WITH FIRE

Well first of all: gross. second of all, this would actually be a pretty good pen and ink drawing of a skull if they didn’t get a simian like urge to hurl their own “leavings” at the paper. At what point in your life do you decide you have gone as far you as can with the colour wheel?

“well this shade of red is wrong! all wrong! hey…wait a minute….”

NO! don’t do it! Im going out on a limb here and I’m going to assume that everyone who paints with their own blood are either goths, extreme feminists, hippies or goth feminists. or furries. those assholes will do anything. Ugh, and you just know they try to get their paintings in galleries and if someone comments on it they’re all “YEA! Its my blood..its just I’m so in tuned to my creations, Its a really spiritual mother earth, gaia, thing i have going on, you wouldn’t understand” then they go home and smoke a bowl and giggle at aqua teen hunger force. goddamn it you posers. 

"Meatwad really speaks to me..I feel like we all are Meatwad inside"

"Meatwad really speaks to me..I feel like we all are Meatwad inside"

 

anyways, lets check out a few more of these gems shall we?

I no longer fear death.

I no longer fear death.

 

Holy shit. A feminist hippy totally painted this. probably after her boyfriend “Sage” didn’t share his mushrooms with her. but don’t worry, she clearly got her hands on some sort of hallucinatory drug.

Unlike the last one, this at no point could be called actual art by the removal of blood. if anything, the blood takes away from the intense dead eye stare of that..flower? uterus? I don’t even know anymore. Also, if you can’t read that phrase at the bottom it says “Civilizations have been built off this juice” wow. that is just the sort of vague, nonsensical statement i would expect from someone who traded in their cerulean blue for heavy flow red. goddamn hippies.

oh come on! you aren't even trying anymore!

oh come on! you aren't even trying anymore!

This one is entitled “Menstrala” hahahaha. I can only laugh at this point. are these people for real? I saw a weird porn once where girls peed out paint onto canvas and i have a feeling even they would be shocked at this. (also mom if you’re reading this, i only watched porn once and i didnt even put it on, it was someone elses fault entirely. also im a virgin)

Awkward confessions to my mother aside, This painting has almost no effort put into it. they just put blood on a canvas and i guess swished it around a bit.  I consider myself a connoisseur of period painting at this point and whoever painted this should be as ashamed of themselves as their father is in them. This painting would only be acceptable if a cat or dolphin did it, but i really cant handle the idea of these two art worlds meeting. Ow. my soul.

Now this last one we’re going to look at is actually pretty awesome.

THEY CAN SMELL THE MENSTRATION!

THEY CAN SMELL THE MENSTRATION!

 

ahahaha. i can’t tell if this is a joke or what, but either way it is hilarious. But here’s the thing, i would be delighted to put a picture of a girl getting mauled to death on my wall and i don’t think the use of actual blood is making it any better. I do however, love the comical X’s over the eyes. Infact, if this painting had 0% blood on it, i would shell out at least 10 bucks for it. That, my friends, is art!

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1 Response to “Art (???)”


  1. 1 Sailer August 24, 2009 at 1:57 pm

    Two words: Pussy Doodles.


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