1. Flying cars
where the fuck are these things? people have been talking about them since the dawn of time and the closest we’ve got so far is hybrid volvos. LAME. these things don’t fly, they don’t even hover. they just sound really quiet so you get freaked out when one drives past you. that is barely futuristic. oh and i guess they are “good for the environment” but i would also imagine that flying cars would be good for the environment? first off, there would be less dead raccoons on the side of the road which i think is a major improvement. but i guess there would be a lot more hawk fatalities and no one wants that. well fuck.
anyways. these things are the height of futuristic inventions. once you invent the flying car you might as well just throw in your hat because there’s no going up from there. Maybe that’s why they haven’t made a flying car because they know as soon as someone lays eyes on it they automatically know there’s nothing else left to live for.
“oh…there’s a 10 gen ipod? bravo….i just saw a flying car”
“oh…my brother had a kid? who fucking cares, i just saw a flying car”
I believe it would probably lead to mass suicides, possibly from people leaping to their deaths from a flying car. now that would be amazing.
2. robot butlers
now i know what you’re thinking “hey…she’s just taking ideas from the jetsons and talking about them!” well uhh..i don’t really have an answer for you.
Anyways, how sweet would it be to have a robot butler? you could throw liquor bottles at it all day long and it wouldn’t sue you or bleed like a normal butler. Naomi Campbell should really be spearheading this whole robot butler campaign because she of all people could use a sentient being to hurl telephones at.
But, uncalled for abuse aside, i would love to have one of these because you could program it to do cool stuff like make you really good whiskey sours or spray jehovah witnesses with hot transmission fluid. The only downside i could see is that having a robot butler could lead to some very 80’s sitcom-esque shenanigans, but instead of accidentally dying the cat purple it becomes self aware and straight up murders your ass. but still, i really can’t make very good whiskey sours so that would almost make it worth while.
Granted, holograms exist. they just fucking suck. oooh look at this poster of lightning, when i move the picture it shoots down into the ground. fucking lame. Really, what I’m looking for here is Star Wars-esque holograms but with a little better picture quality. I mean, i guess R2 D2 was kind of old and that message was made pretty hastily due to Darth Vader killing everyone on board, but would a little production value kill you? i think not.
I want holograms for everything. I want a hologram to tell me the news and i want a hologram to perform sexual acts in front of me. (yes please) but that’s just the beginning. think of something cool. now think of it in hologram form. so cool am i right? plus you can stick your hands through them so you can pretend you’re slapping your dad when he holograms up to tell you to bring dishes up from the basement. TAKE THAT DAD.
4. those weird plastic clothes
You know what im talking about. In almost every old movie that depicts the future people are walking around like goobers in weird plastic clothes. Sometimes they even have pointless plastic hats or crazy as hell glasses. Or if they aren’t plastic they are like weird goth clothes with random zippers and rips all over them. Goddamn.
I do not want this. Ever. If anything, i think fashion will do a total turn around, think about it. the 80’s is really popular now with everyone wearing those stupid shutter glasses, so maybe by the time “the future” rolls around we’ll be back to the 20’s. that would be so cool. Imagine flying around in a spacecar wearing an old tymey suit or a flapper dress. Fuck. Yes.
But back to my point here. why exactly do people think plastic is futuristic? Its so dumb, and i imagine totally uncomfortable. all you could hear in the future is peoples legs rubbing together in that gross plastic sound. No thank you. I think clothes have really gone as far as they can, unless Levis invents some sort of plastic jean i am not too concerned with this happening.
5. Laser guns
Lasers or alternatively, Lazers (if you want to be even more futuristic) are seriously everywhere in the future. Bullets are gone and replaced with various coloured lasers. Why. What the hell is wrong with bullets. For one thing, you can put assorted things into shotgun shells like rock salt (for ghosts) or peanuts (for elephant ghosts) So I don’t understand why we would turn our backs on that.
also, one word:
can we please take a moment to talk about how adorable this gun looks? plus, hookers in the wild west used them to shoot people. SO COOL. One time In the Xfiles, Mulder had a gun on his ankle and i thought it was derringer and i almost fell off the couch i was so overcome with excitement. Turns out it wasn’t so i didn’t get as sad as i normally would when he got kicked in the face 30 seconds later. Thats what you get for not having a derringer!
anyways, what im trying to get at here is that Guns are cool. they have already reached perfection so why add a laser? unless it was a laser derringer. how precious would that be!