Well played, KFC. Well played indeed.
I never thought i would live to see the day when a sandwich would be made that substituted bread for meat but that day has come.
Sure, we all laughed on 30Rock when Tracy Jordan invented the meat machine that pressed meat into bread like slices. “because meat is the new bread!” oh we had fun didn’t we? but this is no joke. this is an actual “food” item.
for those of you not familiar with this thing, its called the double down. It is two pieces of chicken with cheese and i think bacon in between it. I’m not making this up, it actually exists….though probably only in the US. if you showed this to a European they would laugh in your face and then jump on their moped for a quick getaway.
Anyways, lets take a look at this food abortion shall we?
holy shit. I cant decide if I should vomit or join PETA. That just looks like something a stoner would come up with at 3 in the morning.
“lets get some chicken fingers and then put cheese in between them. man, we should totally send this idea to Family Guy, they could make Stewie eat one haha man that baby is funny”
I cant even look at that picture for very long, its making my stomach turn. Its the food equivalent of 2 girls 1 cup.
You would think now that everyone is completely losing their shit over how fat everyone is getting, a company would try to make things better. Wendys is introducing salads and chicken wraps but meanwhile the colonel is declaring “fuck that! lettuce is for pussies!”
I was originally going to actually purchase and eat this thing to review it but i couldn’t find one, the KFC by my house didn’t have them…YET. And i like to think that was the big guy upstairs looking out for me. Thanks God..I owe you one.
So in lieu of me reporting on my findings/stomach cramps from eating this “burger” i decided to look up the nutritional value.
This is where it gets weird. Because KFC doesn’t actually have the calories listed for this thing on its website (SUSPICION AND INTRIGUE!) I had to go check around the internet(z) for some solid evidence. My boy: the Vancouver Sun, got their hands on one of these and tested it for themselves.
This friggin thing has as many calories as three bigmacs. That’s over 1500 calories. for just the fuckin burger. I feel like barfing. To shed some better light on this, most normal people consume around 2000 calories a day. That means if you eat 2 of these burgers, you better have enjoyed them because you cant eat anything for the rest of the day if you would like to have any dignity left or have your pants fit properly. I have developed a mathematical equation to further explain this:
No. of Double Downs eaten X 24 hrs. = no. of hours spent wearing sweatpants
Who the hell would eat this? KFC you assholes. They know their market is humongous people, drunks and stoners so i guess they’re playing to their audience but i mean, come on. I’m pretty sure if you gave this to a small child they might die. But i guess we couldn’t really expect much from a company that also brought us this monstrosity:
doesn’t look too bad hey? but let me take you through the layers: That is in fact mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, chicken nuggets and then a layer of cheese to balance it all out. Fucking sick. I would have to take a nap after this, and I’m not talking about a “i fell asleep on the couch for 20 minutes during an ER rerun” I’m talking “I have to go to bed or i will collapse, see you in 2 hours” kind of nap. Good lord. They claim this bowl is for people “on the go” but i assure you, anyone who is contemplating eating this hasn’t been “on the go” for several years.
So is this the future of food? Is this going to end up with some sort of Planet of the Apes type situation except overweight Americans are the slave masters and people that occasionally choose salads over french fries at lunch will be the slaves? If so, at least it will be a very short reign of terror filled with frequent naps, heart attacks and farts.