This was bound to happen sooner or later everyone. You can only review things on the Internet for so long before you have to discuss the gross underbelly. But I’m not talking foot fetish or something as equally vanilla. I’m talking weird as all hell. I have a photo of two dogs playing with a pony minimized on my desktop in case I need to quickly look at a reminder for me to keep on living. God speed.
At first I thought it was a sexual attraction to Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid but I guessed wrong.
It is in fact an attraction to Teddy Bears. I thought this was an offshoot of the worst fetish ever: Furries, but I guess these people aren’t interested in having sex with people dressed up like teddy bears they just want an actual teddy bear to hump, much like everyones dog.
The weirdest thing is though, I was totally un able to find a website or any pictures of people diggin on teddy bears. That is why this fetish is on the list. You know you are fucked up if even the Internet doesn’t want you.
I mean, there are websites that have videos of peoples heads getting cut off. There are websites that have crudely photoshopped images of Joey and Ross from Friends making out ( I assume) but there are no websites dedicated to people getting busy with teddy bear. That almost makes me feel sad for the freaks.
This is the mack daddy of all things creepy. It’s when someone rubs their junk all up on you. This also led me to coin the term “frottage cheese” i.e – “would you like some frottage cheese?” if they answer yes, you have the go ahead to rub your danger zone all over them until they spaz out because they totally thought you said cottage cheese. It’s fool proof.
But hilarious misunderstandings aside, this is fucking creepy. What kind of weirdo gets off on rubbing himself on some unsuspecting stranger? I would expect this kind of behaviour from total drunks or possibly Japanese men. If you are into this you are called a frotteur, which sounds totally classy but totally isn’t. Also holy shit! you know how I said Japanese men seem like they would be into this? they are in a big way! It’s called chikan there and I guess it’s sort of a big deal, they even have subway platforms for just broads to avoid any mysterious stains appearing on their pants.
As far as this list goes, this is the most offensive fetish to the general public. People can keep their passionate teddy bear love behind closed doors but once you start grinding on people at the Diary Queen you are in an entirely different ballgame.
This one is all kinds of messed up. its the sexual attraction to inanimate objects, most commonly buildings and cars. I imagine their idea of a threesome is one of those restaurants that has the car stuck in the side of it.
People are so crazy about boning buildings that they even go as far as marrying them. Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer is one of those people. The Berlin in her name stands for THE GODDAMN BERLIN WALL. She friggin married the thing and I assume had a total mental breakdown when it got torn down. I’m guessing watching news footage of that to her is the equivalent of a woman getting the news that her husband died in a major car accident..except wait a minute. It’s a fucking wall.
Some other crazy chick married the Eiffel tower which I guess makes more sense since it kinda looks like a big metal penis. I guess she could somehow straddle it but that seems both painful and illegal. Some other dude claimed he has gotten busy with over 1000 cars but thank god he only got 30 of them pregnant.
Either way, this one seems super weird just because I don’t understand how this would come to be. Were you just sitting on a park bench one day when all of sudden you realized it was super smooth and sexy and you want to make it your bride? I’m upset and I feel bad for that park bench. It never asked for this.
Holy god, I would be like a goddess to someone who had this fetish because if there’s two things I love it’s not wearing pants and farting. That’s right, these guys dig on farting. Now, in their defense farting is and always will be hilarious. Think of something. Now add in a fart. hilarious!
But for these people farts aren’t just for dutch ovening your boyfriend, they are also for making love. I’m unclear as to if they make love to like a fart in a jar or if they just watch fart scenes from various National Lampoon movies and get all messed up about it. I’m guessing the latter because jar humping is probably another fetish all together.
Anyways, I’m guessing people that like farts legitimately think cakefarts.com is funny unlike the rest of the world that force their friends to watch it and then laugh at their horrified expressions. (I warned you)
5. Balloon Fetish
This fetish doesn’t even have a sweet Latin type name. It’s just straight up balloon fetish. It doesn’t put on airs, it is what it is – Repugnant.
These crazy kids get turned on by watching people rub and then pop balloons all over themselves. This is upsetting because I, along with at least two other people I know, absolutely hate the sound of balloon popping. I also really hate the sound of balloons being rubbed, its right up there with the sound of someone ripping foam and Spencer Pratts voice for me.
There are shit tons of videos and websites about this fetish which leads me to believe that maybe teddybear lover over there should try loving balloons for awhile to be more accepted by his freaky internet peers. So anyways there’s this:
Well I’m going to go scrub out my eyeballs and pray for a few hours. The Internet has disgusted me for the last time. Or at least until someone sends me a link of a chick making out with a turtle or something. God we live in exciting times.