Juggalos and their female counterparts Juggalettes are like a gift from comedy heaven. If you don’t know what a Juggalo is then prepare to spend the rest of your time reading this alternating between laughing and gasping.
A Juggalo is a fan of the utterly moronic band Insane clown posse. Now i know what you’re thinking: “with a name like that, how can they not be good?” well they are just terrible. Here is a sampling of some of the thought provoking lyrics in which they explain what exactly a juggalo is
“What is a juggalo?
Lemme think for a second. (well? )
Oh, he gets butt naked.
And then he walks through the street winkin at freaks,
Wit a two-liter stuck in his butt-cheeks!
What is a juggalo?
He just dont care.
He might try to put a weave in his nut hair.
Cuz he could give a fuck less what a bitch thinks,
He tell her that her butt stinks, and all that”
So thanks for clearing that up Insane Clown Posse!
To be honest, i thought this band was a total joke and i forgot about them after 1997 passed. That was until i worked in a CD store and discovered they have like 15 albums and people constantly either bought this shit or stole it.
If you don’t know who this band is I really don’t know if i can explain it to you well enough for you to fully understand the horror, but lord knows i’ll try.
Basically they’re a “rap” group consisting of two full grown men named Shaggy 2 dope and Violent J who dress up in clown make up and rap about girls buttholes smelling judging by the sample lyrics posted above.
for some reason they have a huge following that is based mainly in the United States (obviously) and these people call themselves Juggalos. They stage backyard wrestling matches, throw trash everywhere (it’s a juggalo tradition) and exclusively drink cheap dollar store soda called Faygo (insert your own joke) They also refer to each other as Ninjas as in “that Juggalo is a down ass ninja” and no, i am not making this up. They also have this goddamn thing all over everything they own:
This thing is called the Hatchetman despite the fact its holding something that looks more like a cleaver and not at all like a hatchet. So basically what i’m saying here is if you see this on anything it’s like an alarm that tells you to run far far away, sort of like when you see Veterans plates when you’re driving: you damn well better change lanes.
Anyways, They even have their own festival called the Juggalo Gathering. Some brave soul ventured in and recorded some footage which im about to show you, I can tell you now: you NEED to watch this.
Im just going to give you a few minutes to let that all sink in. Yes, what you just watched was real. Those people do exist and they are able to vote. they obviously don’t but still how chilling is that thought?
There is also this prize:
Yes that is a baby coffin and yes those are insane clown posse stickers all over it. yes her mother is wearing bobby hill-esque short pants and a hoodie to her babies funeral. and yes, there is no god.
The cause of this babies death is unclear though i assume an angel mercy killed her so she would haven’t grow up with a mom who “rolls fat blunts” and “can’t read” This is actually the photo that sparked my love affair with juggalos and juggalettes so lets look at some more shall we?
These fine folks are wearing what im guessing are their best clothes? What the hell. I guess if i was going to a festival full of fat idiots wearing clown make up i would feel pretty ok about wearing a tassled cotton abortion as well. I mean, who do you really have to impress?
Juggalos completely blow my mind because they seem to be exclusively horrible looking people. I have not found a single somewhat good looking person in all my time of laughing my ass off at Juggalos.
So there you have it folks. a brief synopsis on possibly the most hilarious group of fans ever. But don’t we need people like this in our lives? they make us feel better about ourselves as well as boost the malt liqour industry. So in a way, i suppose Juggalos are the real heros here….. Or maybe they’re just total jerkoffs in clown make up.