Hey Celebrities: you have some nerve you greedy sons of bitches. Is it not enough that you can act, are most often beautiful (omitting Willem Dafoe and 3/4 of the Baldwins of course) and have shittons of money and fame? Do you really need to start a singing career too? well I see how it is. If you do insist on this then at least allow me to make a list making fun of your efforts on a mildly popular internet blog. Thank you.
1. Bruce Willis.
Wow. You really should have stuck with blowing things up in a torn muscle shirt. We all love your witty comebacks, what we don’t love is you playing the harmonica for an awkward amount of time.
For some bizarre reason he went by the moniker Bruno for this album. If you’re going to go those lengths maybe try and disguise yourself a little better so when the inevitable humiliation arrives you could at least claim it wasn’t you on the album cover. It worked well for Chris Gaines.
Anyways, every single song on his album was a cover except for one entitled “Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)” Read that over one more time. I’ll wait.
“Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)”
That is the most uncomfortable title for a song ever. Rumour has it Patti Smith was originally going to call one of her songs this but decided to go for the less terrible title of “Rock and Roll Nigger” Good call on her part.
so this Asshat even had a music video which I am going to share with you because I don’t really like you that much and want you to suffer. Enjoy!
Ironically the songs title is Respect yourself even though this video gives him no reason to respect himself in any way possible. Did you watch the entire thing? my soul died as soon as he sexily propped himself up between two pool tables and sang into a broom handle. Stick to being Demi Moores ex wife you jackass.
2. Eddie Murphy
He is the inspiration for this article because last weekend my friend and I actually listened to his one and only single “My girl likes to party all the time” and yes, we loved every minute of it.
I’m going to assume Murphy was doing insane amounts of blow at the time and thought to himself:
“Hey, its the 80’s, im popular and I like girls. and partying. and blow. and patent red leather jackets. and blow. and girls. and blow. DING DING DING MUSIC CAREER!”
His song was and still is extremely catchy and get ready for it to be stuck in your head for days:
whoa whoa whoa, did you guys just see what I saw? god damn Rick James. I know where you want me to go with this and I am not making a Chappelle show reference, that is sooooo 2005 (??)
Anyways, wow hey? My favorite thing about this music video is the decision to not include either girls or partying. They assumed we’d get the point anyways. But check out his Album cover:
I love the juxtaposition of his unhappy face next to the phrase “party all the time” I know you’re really smiling on the inside because you’re so excited about your gold medallion/shiny shirt combo Eddie, don’t hide your inner light. Let it out.
3. Minnie Driver
Yes I was shocked at first too. How can a barely relevant actress come out with an even less relevant musical career? well this girl who you can’t quite figure out whether or not is pretty did it.
I randomly saw her CD like 4 years ago at a Gas Station which I thought was hilarious. The old woman serving me did not, but I guess that’s why she works in a gas station and I make the big bucks nothing. fuck.
I also totally forgot until just now that she was in Phantom of the Opera and she sang in that and I guess it was OK but she really got overshadowed by the phantoms sexy singing voice. And sexy tuxedo. And sexy cape. And sexy burned face. So really what I’m saying here is I would rather listen to a mutated kidnapper/molester of opera singers then her.
4. Scarlett Johansson
I hate this girl. There, I said it. I’m not even entirely too sure why I hate her, I just know that I do. Hopefully I’m not alone on this and years down the road it will be revealed she had a killing shack out in the woods or something.
I used to work in a CD store and when her CD was out I was forced to look at it on a daily basis. Something about it pissed me off so much and I think it was because it looks extremely artsy in a really forced way.
Maybe my rage is completely unfounded but I will tell you this. We Didn’t sell a single one of these CDs and each time I pasted a huge stack of these it was like a small victory for me.
So lets have a listen shall we?
Jesus Christ! that was awful! wow she has a real baritone thing going on doesn’t she. Goddamn I hate her. Maybe I’m a little biased but I think I would rather go back to listening to Eddie Murphy.
5. Joey Lawrence/Brian Austin Green
I lumped these two dicks together because they both had the same idea whispered in their ears by some agent
“Girls love watching you, Girls would love listening to you sing ballads!”
And how right they were! for about 5 weeks I’m sure they were extremely popular with the ladies of the early 90’s
Joey had his rise to fame by playing Blossoms retarded (??) brother and had that goddamn catch phrase of “whoa!” I really have no idea how one word can be a catch phrase, but that’s really not the point here. The point is he was a total dreamboat and every girl ever (myself included) was in love with him.
I remember when they included Joeys music video in an episode of Blossom by making Joey fall asleep on the couch and have a dream of this totally 90’s music video:
If an Alien ever landed on my front door and asked me to explain the 90’s to him I would just show him this video. Good god was that amazing or what? I truly believe there’s nothing Joey Lawrence’s love wont fix for me.
The last time I saw him was guest starring on CSI New York as a serial rapist who cut womans eyelids off so I guess things are still going good for him.
Moving onto our friend David Silver aka Brian Austin Green. I friggin love 90210 and David was my favorite character. Sure he started out kind of nerdy but once he witnessed his best friend shooting himself in the face and got addicted to meth his looks really started turning around. (hint hint ugly people) somewhere along the line he had somewhat of a musical career in the show and I guess he forgot it was a fictional plot line because Brian Austin Green legitimately tried to have a music career.
He chose the unfortunate route of White rapper and well, the results were disastrous:
I..I don’t even know what to say. Wow. just…Wow. hahaha good god. His singing on 90210 was much, much better:
Ahaha I have laughed my ass off to that clip more times then I can remember. God I love youtube.
Brian Austin Green has lately been seen looking really hot, banging Megan Fox and I guess he’s on Smallville? (apparently that show is still on?) either way, he is clearly doing better than his buddy Joey “Whoa” Lawrence.
BONUS SINISE EDITION
as you may or may not know, I goddamn love Gary Sinise and once I found out he was in a band I nearly hyperventilated. Oh but it gets better you guys the band is called Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan band.
Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan band
Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan band
Gary Sinise and the Lieutenant Dan band
Jesus christ how amazing is that?? fuck I love this man. If anyone can get away with naming a band after a disenchanted Lieutenant who gets both his legs blown off in Vietnam but eventually overcomes diversity to run a successful shrimp company and marry a Korean woman its Gary. Playing this character in a movie probably didn’t hurt either.
Anyways he currently performs with his band unlike the rest of these one trick ponies. you know his secret? He’s the Bass Player. No one can hate or love the bass player, they’re always just there. There’s a simple truth about Gary Sinise, he is a noble man and I love him despite the fact he loves the US Army. In fact I probably love him as much as he loves the US Army which is a lot.
He performs on army barracks and shit i guess and in random blues bars. goddamn I would lose my mind if I saw this live. That being said, my birthday is coming up in a short 6 months.
So there ya have it! some actors who tried and failed and one actor who tried and sort of succeeded enough so it isn’t a hilarious blemish on his life. Shockingly enough there is still several more celebrity singers and I’ll get to those one day too (if you’re lucky)