5 best evil teammates

I dont really know if you can be evil and still be considered part of a team, but i guess Cobra Commander had a corporation (evil)  and therefore had employees (also evil)  and thus teammates (of the evil variety)

So lets take a moment to honor those unsung heros who were usually bumbling jackasses

1. Bebop and Rocksteady

sorry for calling you "pig" and "grey pig" when i was little guys

sorry for calling you "pig" and "grey pig" when i was little

Case in point. These guys were borderline retarded and Im guessing dropped out of Highschool. Because of this,  Im sure being a thug was the only job they could get. Being grotesteque mutant jungle animals didn’t help much either. I actually totally forgot about these two until my friend Adam mentioned them in his facebook status, so he gets +1 cool points. (once you recieve 40 cool points you can cash them in for an inflatable sword)

Goddamn it Sylvan Learning Center, where were you when they needed you?

Goddamn it Sylvan Learning Center, where were you when they needed you?

Despite  these hardballs thrown at them by a cruel, cruel god they made something of their lives. They became extremely unsuccessful Goons hired by Shredder to murder Gigantic teenage turtles. They also had wicked fashion sense. Well mostly BeBop. Take a look at this bastard:

I mean, just take a look at those sunglasses!

I mean, just take a look at those sunglasses!

But unfortunately being super cool and possibly gay (???) wasn’t enough to stop them from the constant humiliation they suffered at the hands of those turtles. They have been burned, kicked, punched, hit in the face with various weaponry and at one point strapped to a weird rocket and fired into the sky while the turtles highfived and i assume later ate pizza to celebrate their attempted murder. Dicks.

But BeBop and Rocksteady just kept coming. They are on this list because they embody the spirit of hardworking American(immigrants) everywhere. Just keep working and eventually you’ll get credit and stop receiving blows to the face.

2. Master Blaster

I recently watched Road Warrior: Beyond Thunderdome and my love for a young, tanned, dirty Mel Gibson was reignited along with my love for this Duo:

A TALE AS OLD AS TIME, SONG AS OLD AS RHYME, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

A TALE AS OLD AS TIME, SONG AS OLD AS RHYME, BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Eff yes. If you haven’t ever seen Beyond Thunderdome that picture above damn well better seal the deal for you because what you are looking at is a midget riding a gigantic mutant.

So the deal here with Master Blaster is that Mel Gibson is thrown into the titular Thunderdome wherein “Two men enter. one man leaves” I would also like to take this moment to segway into a joke about child molesters my friend Adam made in which “A man and a boy enter a van and two men leave”

the van in question

"Hey kid, ever wanna see Mr.T up close? come in my van"

But I digress. Once inside Thunderdome, Mel has a choice between beating MasterBlaster to death with a mallet or being beaten to death by MasterBlaster with a mallet. It’s a real no-brainer, just like when a waitress asks if you want a single or a double vodka and orange juice.

I dare you to look at this and not think of that donkey kong noise when he throws a barrel. HILARIOUS.

POW! right in the kisser

anyways, Mel obviously chooses to live because he has a lot of synagogues to spit on and He totally creams Blaster with a mallet, then rips off his helmet to deliver the final blow and is greeted with this:

GAH

DO NOT WANT

Thats right bitches, Blaster is a retarded man boy. I seriously scoured the internet trying to find a clip of this but basically what goes down is Mel is all “Oh Gross! a sweaty ogre!” and Master is all “No stop! he has the mind of a child!” and the audience is all “What?…Ahahahahaha”
Despite Masters loving tenderness for this mutant abomination, Tina Turner still shoot him in the chest a few times and leaves Master weeping over his corpse while the audience of drunken derelicts hoot and laugh. Perhaps it is really we who are the monsters? Think about it.
So they are on this list because of their unending love for each other. If a weird murderous midget can find love with a dim witted man baby in a war torn post apocalyptic wasteland then isn’t there hope for the rest of us?

3. The Cryptkeeper and puns

"hello boils and ghouls, get ready for a pun filled adventure with a possible chance of side boob"

"hello boils and ghouls, get ready for a pun filled adventure with a possible chance of side boob"

Not really a classic team up per se, but where would one be without the other? This sick son of a bitch couldn’t go 5 seconds without uttering a terrible groan inducing pun and i think his real victims were the writers.
Picture them all in a room with dictionaries and thesauruses all over the place.
“Ok ok, can we make the word “great” into a death related pun? great…uhh..se…rrate?…like you serrated someones head off? does that make sense? serrate to meet you?? can you serrrate someone?  oh god i need a smoke”
"DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL PUNS!"

"DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL PUNS!"

If you aren’t familiar with this show you’re a total loser and I hope you at least knew about beyond thunderdome or else i dont think we can be friends. Basically this guy would introduce scary stories by telling you about them by means of awful puns. Don’t believe me? here’s a short list of some of the puns used:
  • (to a severed head) “Quit while you’re ahead”
  • “Heads, I win. Tails, you *ooze*!”
  • “He prefered older women…in pieces that is!”
  • “Beauty… is Only Sin Deep!”

Do I really need to go on? you can see where I’m going with this. Puns are the Cryptkeepers best friend and he seriously crams them in wherever he possibly can. If anything, this makes him way less scary and in fact I loved him and this show when i was like 12. Remember the animated series? Holy shit that was my jam back in the day.  Anyways, they go together like peanut butter and jelly; like nascar events and spousal abuse;  like Tom and Myspace, and well, you get the idea.

4.  Beastly and Shrieky

i hate you.

i hate you.

Man, can we take a second to talk about what a mega bitch Shrieky was? literally all she did was Shriek. This harpy would constantly yell at Beastly to undertake some half assed plan to thwart the carebears, which ended more then once with him getting a cactus stuck to his butt (good work Carebear writers)

if you are a saturday morning cartoon character, this is your worst nightmare

if you are a saturday morning cartoon character, this is your worst nightmare

I personally loved Beastly and always held up hope that he would join the Carebears instead of being bossed around by that Whore. He was super cool and wore a sweet scarf. oh and he had the best laugh ever:

hahah god i love him. Also, how did he possibly avoid hitting that tree? Oh cartoons! Anyways, these two crazy cats are on the list because they are the classic cliche of evil teammates: the dumb one and the smart one. Its a timeless combination that has been repeated through the centuries. If you have a best friend chances are one of you is the dumb one and one of you is the smart one. Think about it.

5. Marv and Harry aka: The Wet Bandits

haha jackasses.

haha jackasses.

I could seriously go off for hours about how amazing Home Alone is and in fact last Friday I spent a good 30 minutes quoting this movie with a bunch of friends. liquor was clearly involved.

"Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? ...Well can you find out?"

"Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association? ...Well can you find out?"

Marv and Harry are also an excellent example of “smart one/dumb one” with one minor change: They are both retarded because they get outsmarted by a 10 year old. So i guess this is more a case of “less retarded one/more retarded one”

another textbook example

another textbook example

Either way I friggin love these guys. When this movie came out I prayed every night for a bumbling duo of thugs to break into my house so I could smash them in the face with various household objects. I also wished to meet Buzz’s girlfriend

"Buzz, your girlfriend...Woof" oh god that felt great

"Buzz, your girlfriend...Woof" oh god that felt great

They are on this list because their efforts are unrelenting. Did they stop when Kevin hit them in the face with Paint Cans? No! Drove a nail through Harrys foot which caused him to fall down a staircase? No! lit Marvs toque on fire? No!  In fact, someone compiled a greatest hits (Puns!)  collection which I will use to better illustrate my point/use as an excuse to watch clips from Home Alone

What im getting at here is they are an unstoppable bumbling force to be reckoned with. In the words of many a trucker hat and printed T-shirt: “If you’re going to be dumb, you better be tough”

Well there you have it Boils and Ghouls! a list of evil teammates who, in retrospect, would be fired within a week at any other occupation for their constant and unrelenting jackassery. Til next time uhhh …  goddamn it where are those Cryptkeeper writers when I need a good pun.

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3 Responses to “5 best evil teammates”


  1. 1 mel.d September 29, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    my friend knows this girl and her dad was the voice of beastly!

  2. 3 Tnelson September 30, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Hey very nice blog!!….I’m an instant fan, I have bookmarked you and I’ll be checking back on a regular….See ya


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