I dont really know if you can be evil and still be considered part of a team, but i guess Cobra Commander had a corporation (evil) and therefore had employees (also evil) and thus teammates (of the evil variety)
So lets take a moment to honor those unsung heros who were usually bumbling jackasses
1. Bebop and Rocksteady
Case in point. These guys were borderline retarded and Im guessing dropped out of Highschool. Because of this, Im sure being a thug was the only job they could get. Being grotesteque mutant jungle animals didn’t help much either. I actually totally forgot about these two until my friend Adam mentioned them in his facebook status, so he gets +1 cool points. (once you recieve 40 cool points you can cash them in for an inflatable sword)
Despite these hardballs thrown at them by a cruel, cruel god they made something of their lives. They became extremely unsuccessful Goons hired by Shredder to murder Gigantic teenage turtles. They also had wicked fashion sense. Well mostly BeBop. Take a look at this bastard:
But unfortunately being super cool and possibly gay (???) wasn’t enough to stop them from the constant humiliation they suffered at the hands of those turtles. They have been burned, kicked, punched, hit in the face with various weaponry and at one point strapped to a weird rocket and fired into the sky while the turtles highfived and i assume later ate pizza to celebrate their attempted murder. Dicks.
But BeBop and Rocksteady just kept coming. They are on this list because they embody the spirit of hardworking American(immigrants) everywhere. Just keep working and eventually you’ll get credit and stop receiving blows to the face.
2. Master Blaster
I recently watched Road Warrior: Beyond Thunderdome and my love for a young, tanned, dirty Mel Gibson was reignited along with my love for this Duo:
Eff yes. If you haven’t ever seen Beyond Thunderdome that picture above damn well better seal the deal for you because what you are looking at is a midget riding a gigantic mutant.
So the deal here with Master Blaster is that Mel Gibson is thrown into the titular Thunderdome wherein “Two men enter. one man leaves” I would also like to take this moment to segway into a joke about child molesters my friend Adam made in which “A man and a boy enter a van and two men leave”
But I digress. Once inside Thunderdome, Mel has a choice between beating MasterBlaster to death with a mallet or being beaten to death by MasterBlaster with a mallet. It’s a real no-brainer, just like when a waitress asks if you want a single or a double vodka and orange juice.
anyways, Mel obviously chooses to live because he has a lot of synagogues to spit on and He totally creams Blaster with a mallet, then rips off his helmet to deliver the final blow and is greeted with this:
3. The Cryptkeeper and puns
(to a severed head) “Quit while you’re ahead”
“Heads, I win. Tails, you *ooze*!”
“He prefered older women…in pieces that is!”
“Beauty… is Only Sin Deep!”
Do I really need to go on? you can see where I’m going with this. Puns are the Cryptkeepers best friend and he seriously crams them in wherever he possibly can. If anything, this makes him way less scary and in fact I loved him and this show when i was like 12. Remember the animated series? Holy shit that was my jam back in the day. Anyways, they go together like peanut butter and jelly; like nascar events and spousal abuse; like Tom and Myspace, and well, you get the idea.
4. Beastly and Shrieky
Man, can we take a second to talk about what a mega bitch Shrieky was? literally all she did was Shriek. This harpy would constantly yell at Beastly to undertake some half assed plan to thwart the carebears, which ended more then once with him getting a cactus stuck to his butt (good work Carebear writers)
I personally loved Beastly and always held up hope that he would join the Carebears instead of being bossed around by that Whore. He was super cool and wore a sweet scarf. oh and he had the best laugh ever:
hahah god i love him. Also, how did he possibly avoid hitting that tree? Oh cartoons! Anyways, these two crazy cats are on the list because they are the classic cliche of evil teammates: the dumb one and the smart one. Its a timeless combination that has been repeated through the centuries. If you have a best friend chances are one of you is the dumb one and one of you is the smart one. Think about it.
5. Marv and Harry aka: The Wet Bandits
I could seriously go off for hours about how amazing Home Alone is and in fact last Friday I spent a good 30 minutes quoting this movie with a bunch of friends. liquor was clearly involved.
Marv and Harry are also an excellent example of “smart one/dumb one” with one minor change: They are both retarded because they get outsmarted by a 10 year old. So i guess this is more a case of “less retarded one/more retarded one”
Either way I friggin love these guys. When this movie came out I prayed every night for a bumbling duo of thugs to break into my house so I could smash them in the face with various household objects. I also wished to meet Buzz’s girlfriend
They are on this list because their efforts are unrelenting. Did they stop when Kevin hit them in the face with Paint Cans? No! Drove a nail through Harrys foot which caused him to fall down a staircase? No! lit Marvs toque on fire? No! In fact, someone compiled a greatest hits (Puns!) collection which I will use to better illustrate my point/use as an excuse to watch clips from Home Alone
What im getting at here is they are an unstoppable bumbling force to be reckoned with. In the words of many a trucker hat and printed T-shirt: “If you’re going to be dumb, you better be tough”
Well there you have it Boils and Ghouls! a list of evil teammates who, in retrospect, would be fired within a week at any other occupation for their constant and unrelenting jackassery. Til next time uhhh … goddamn it where are those Cryptkeeper writers when I need a good pun.