October special: Who’s the best….Werewolf edition

Whats up chumps? So its October and you know what that means! Halloween as well as Thanksgiving if you are Canadian. Due to my hatred of turkey and cranberry flavoured gelatin, I am only a big fan of one of these holidays. So i was thinking that this month I’m going to give you guys a rundown on my favorite choices in the horrible ghoul category. So this week lets take a look at some sweet werewolves and I’ll determine who the best is. (spoiler alert – theres a huge chances its going to be Teen Wolf)

1. Classic Werewolf

is it me or does he have a piggy nose?

is it me or does he have a piggy nose?

The Classic werewolf, or Wolfman if you prefer, is obviously a fan favorite and totally started this whole thing back in the 40’s. Lon Chaney Jr, the actor who played the Wolfman, is also awesomely namedropped in the Warren Zevon song Werewolves of London so he automatically gains +4 cool points.

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vics. His hair was perfect.

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vics. His hair was perfect.

Classic Wolfman unfortunately loses points for being so damn old and also in black and white. get with the times man. But back in the 40’s people were scared more easily so i guess i’ll let it slide…this time. In the end though, he is the pioneer of Wolfmen to come and really opened the door for future Werewolves. you might say he’s the Werewolf Barack Obama. Or you might not say that because it barely made any sense.

Final Grade: B

2. Teen Wolf

hot stuff tonight!

hot stuff tonight!

Well right off the bat he has my vote because I goddamn love Micheal J Fox. Also, his friend Stiles had that amazing “What are you looking at Dicknose” shirt

I'll tell you what I'm looking at: my future husband
I’ll tell you what I’m looking at: my soulmate

ahaha so good. Anyways, Teen wolf is frigging amazing and Im going to point out I am not counting its awful sequel Teen Wolf Too. ITS TWO YOU JERKOFFS. Right, so Teen Wolf has a few advantages over classic Wolfman. Those being age, good looks, basketball abilities, sweet rayban sunglasses and popularity. In retrospect I sort of wish I was Teen Wolf hahah just kidding. : (

That should be ME slamming that dunk

That should be ME slamming that dunk

Final Grade: A+

3.Twilight Werewolves

Many of you may not know this, but Twilight has gayed up both vampires and werewolves. All they need to do is throw in depressed teenage Frankensteins monster and they have themselves a hat trick.

Anyways, In the Twilight world all Indians are apparently Werewolves. At least thats what i gathered from it and I must say that would be pretty awful if that was in fact the case. Bingo halls on a full moon would be packed with growling monsters in promotional Coors Light shirts and oxygen tanks, AC/DC concerts overrun with bloodthirsty animals making gutteral howls in a vain attempt to request Thunderstruck. Shudder.

"ARROOOO...I've got to check my Lottery ticket...RAAAA"

"ARROOOO...I've got to check my Lottery ticket...RAAAA"

The new Twilight movie, which I plan to get absolutely shitfaced at, features a whole whack load of CGI Werewolves which looked OK in the preview but then again I was shitfaced the last time I saw that as well (I have a problem) They get a terrible grade because of this:

I'm not 100% on this, but I think I might be going to jail for downloading this

I'm not 100% on this, but I think I might be going to jail for downloading this

Yes that is the main werewolf and Yes he looks like the 13 year old son of a Mexican housekeeper. Yea, I said it.

Final Grade: F

4.Nightmare before Christmas Werewolf

Still, better than Amy Winehouse's teeth.

Still, better than Amy Winehouse's teeth.

This guy is hands down my favorite character in this entire movie and I’m sad he got so little screen time. His face should be on XL Hot Topic hoodies, Not Jacks! actually on second thought, I don’t wish that upon anyone.

"only the dark embrace of the crypt can help me escape my stepdad Ken who is a total dick and not my real dad"

"only the dark embrace of the crypt can help me escape my stepdad Ken who is a total dick and not my real dad"

But seriously, this guy has it all: A ripped flannel shirt, uhh he’s a Werewolf, he um is extremely barrel chested….anyways, just look at this cutie pie:

DO WANT

DO WANT

This guy gets a high grade simply for being himself. Keep on rockin’ in the free world!

Final Grade: A

5. Joaquin Phoenix

I Miss you Mr. Pheonix's chin

I Miss you Mr. Pheonix's chin

Of all the Werewolves on this list, Joaquin hid his terrible secret the longest. He blended in for years amongst us, even having a successful movie career. But unfortunately, the blood lust was too great for even an actor great enough to be in a single episode of Murder, She Wrote in 1984 (Note-Look into whether or not he was in anything else before final publishing)

But in early 2008 it was clear something was very, very wrong with Joaquin:

AHH I CANT STOP ALTERNATING BETWEEN SCREAMING AND LAUGHING AHHH

AHH I CANT STOP ALTERNATING BETWEEN SCREAMING AND LAUGHING AHHH

Yes his transformation into Werewolf-dom was almost complete. He became a shambling, incoherent mess and shadow of his former self.  If only he was able to fully embrace his heritage then maybe he would be able to get ahold of himself long enough to buy a plane ticket to the foggy moors of London where he could live out his days feasting on backpacking Americans. It’s not too late, Joaquin. You could say Goodbye to your charade as a human, Say Goodbye to the lies. Say Goodbye to the fakeness of it all

..Dyslexia is also a side effect of Werewolfism

..Dyslexia is also a side effect of Werewolfism

Final Grade: C

And on that note, I say Bye!Good to all of you. Next time I’ll give you guys a rundown on my favorite Zombies (spoiler alert – Bob Barker is the winner)

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1 Response to “October special: Who’s the best….Werewolf edition”


  1. 1 Sailer October 7, 2009 at 5:03 am

    Three things:
    1.) Ever notice that Mac wears a “what are you looking at dicknose” shirt in one episode?
    2.) Why no Jason Bateman from Teen Wolf Too?
    3.) I hope Darcy has “Bye! Good” written on his knuckles for Halloween.


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