Alvin and the Chipmunks: Wha?

As a child something nagged at me almost constantly in the back of my mind, giving me a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that can only be described as a horrific realization that I would never understand or figure out what the hell the deal with Alvin and the Chipmunks was.

well I know it's not this. Goddamn it hate the internet.

well I know it's not this. Goddamn it hate the internet.

As an adult I still cannot wrap my head around this franchise. I just don’t get it. Are they supposed to be Dave’s children? Do other people know they can talk? Where did they get their tiny clothes and glasses? The list goes on here people.

I thought I was safe from my waking fog of confusion but then a few years ago a live action/CGI Alvin and the Chipmunks was released and I died a little inside. Let me make something perfectly clear: CGI animal/Live action movies almost never work and are usually goddamn awful:

wait, why is Garfield CGI but Odie isn't? GODDAMN IT

wait, why is Garfield CGI but Odie isn't? GODDAMN IT

Attention everyone who makes movies: If something was in 2D to begin with fucking keep it that way. No one wants a 3D Marmaduke dancing to Who let the Dogs out. Thank you.

Anyways, I was praying to god that this would be a huge flop and It wasn’t just because I was thinking of myself, I was also thinking of all the parents that would undoubtedly be forced to go and see this dreck. But it wasn’t meant to be. This movie made an assload of money and also spawned a horrific soundtrack featuring the Chipmunks butchering songs like Funky Town.

They also have a song entitled “Get Munk’d” which deeply offends me but i’m not entirely sure why….

….And a quick trip to gave me several reasons to be offended by the word munk. (Mom, please don’t look it up)

Disgusting words aside, This movie looked fucking terrible and for some reason Jason Lee got roped into playing their Dad (???) Dave. Goddamn it Jason, first you name your daughter “Pilot Inspektor” then i find out you’re a scientologist, and now this?

Anyways, lets take a look at this fucking movie trailer i guess.

Oh my god. David Cross is in this??? I think i just lost my faith in humanity. Ugh. So yea, that was that. Where did they get those tiny guitars? Why can they talk? Why did this ever get made? The questions are almost as unceasing as the rage i have boiling inside me.

And another thing, their size seems to be pretty inconsistent. In the cartoon i used to watch when i was younger,  they were the same size as kids and they hung out with normal kids and went to school and whatnot.

But then in this new one they’re really small and I assume don’t go to public school. Forget about trying to decide if Polanski raped that girl*, lets figure out how tall these goddamn chipmunks are once and for all.

*He totally raped that girl.

The Chipmunk movie came and left and I was relieved to go back to my daily activities without having to wonder if Alvins sweater was custom made. But then just a few days ago, I was enjoying some relaxing time infront of the TV when I was visually assulted by an ad for the sequel.

It is entitled “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel”

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel

“NOOOOOOOOOO!” I bitterly shouted to the heavens above. But my anguished cries went unheard and I was forced to punch my cat repeatedly in the face to get my anger out. (momma loves you!) Im going to spare you the details, but I will tell you this: The girl chipmunks are in it. Yes, that’s right.

these assholes.

these assholes.

I have no idea what their names are but this just adds another confusing layer to this franchise. Is there some sort of magical chipmunk god pumping out these creepy human chipmunk hybrids? If they whoever invented the Chipmunks took this idea two doors down the hall we could have had a horror movie on our hands. Think about it.

Opening Scene – Dusk, the camera zooms in on crying mutant chipmunk baby, as camera pans closer the monster opens its blood red eyes.  Camera pans out as baby screams, revealing rows of sharpened teeth. Title Card reveal: “THE CHIPMUNKS: SOUL EATERS”

he has two human eyeballs stuffed in those cheeks

he has two human eyeballs stuffed in those cheeks

Chilling. Simply chilling.

So anyways, The end of this ad has a little blurb that urges you to go Munk yourself. Excuse me?



In the name of entertainment, I went to… and found its one of those stupid things where you make a chipmunk version of yourself. On the plus side, you can make it say fun stuff in a chipmunk voice. Things like “I am an affront to God himself” Memories!

In conclusion, can someone please tell me what the hell the deal is with Alvin and the Chipmunks? You guys work on that and I’ll start trying to figure out if the Addams Family is alive or not, and If Velma from Scooby-Doo is a lesbian.


18 Responses to “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Wha?”

  1. 1 sniffits October 11, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    First thing’s first.

    The Addams Family is real. They are my neighbors. Never invite them to a potluck.

    Velma is a lesbian…with Daphne.

    As for Alvin and the Chipmunks, basically, Dave takes in three chipmunk babies and raises them, finding out one day that they can sing. They make him tons of money and they move into a big house. Other than that, basically they have adventures of trying to find Dave a wife and avoid the babysitter and cause shenanigans. Doesn’t really make sense and only holds a not of nostalgia for me. A few of my friends saw the movie because the genius kid from Mathew Grey Gubler (Criminal Minds) played Simon. Other than that, I never understood the show either. I was also the same way with pokemon (do they say their own name because that’s what they were named by scientists or are they named after what they say? What about the pokemon in the wild who have never had human contact?) so it’s not unusual to think these sorts of things. Ugh…the girl chipmunks are called the chipettes and are called Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanore. Why did I remember that? Someone please kill me…

  2. 2 Isaac October 11, 2009 at 4:47 pm

    Definitely dig this blog. I always wondered where they did get their outfits. Why Theodore didn’t just venture off on a solo career path. :Sigh: So many unanswered questions, great blog entry!

  3. 3 Steven Harris October 11, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Velma is ‘experimenting with her sexuality’ largely because not many boys have made passes at the girl with glasses. But how can Scooby talk? I know he only says things like ‘Raggy, gimme Scooby Snack’ but it’s almost as coherent as George Walker Bush so Scoob must have had some formal education. Love your take on the Chipmunks, by the way. As a Brit I have no idea why half the world seems to go crazy for them. They seem a little creepy to me.

  4. 4 lursains October 11, 2009 at 10:01 pm

    the guy with the red shirt is hot and cute

  5. 5 prettyproject October 12, 2009 at 2:11 am

    OMG! You and your fear of the Chipmunks cracks my s*** up!!! Haaa! 🙂

  6. 6 s8529226 October 12, 2009 at 2:34 am

    i hate alvin and the chipmunks

  7. 8 jr October 12, 2009 at 2:56 am


  8. 9 shoutabyss October 12, 2009 at 6:03 am

    Great stuff! You made me laugh out loud. I’m in awe of your writing skills. This is what I aspire to be. 🙂

  9. 10 saratoday October 12, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Okay, check this out – kids auditioning to be in the Chipmunks. So you wanna be a Chipmunk? Disturbing and really annoying.

  10. 11 carebear October 12, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    For a moment i thought.. “what the heck, they’re cute”..

    But then i guess after a few minutes i realized…

    Gosh, they are freaky creatures… and ive always hated they’re voices.. im not sure why they even considered they could have an album.. its just so irritating. Like having your ears pierced with their overly high pitched voices.. 3 mins of pure ear torture is what it is..

    im glad you’ve opened this up


  11. 12 Kop October 12, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    The original cartoon once had an episode about the 3 rodents losing a puppy due to a careless motorist. Not too common in today’s children cartoons. My wife got upset when my two boys began to call her Theodore.

  12. 13 Albert Tilsey October 12, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    The original Alvin and the Chipmunks was entertaining but after I outgrew cartoons at 25, I realized that there were a lot more important issues than sniffing nitrogen. 🙂 Good post

  13. 15 br4nmuff1n October 15, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Beautiful. You have a new fan, my friend.

  14. 16 May 26, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Alvin and the Chipmunks makes more sense than a giant purple dinosaur singing “I love you,you love me!”, or a little red fuzz ball that’s friends with a giant yellow bird.

    You, my friend, obviously have no imagination what-so-ever.

    • 17 rigsamarole August 14, 2012 at 3:48 pm

      What is this? I have no idea if this is supposed to be a mean comment or what. I’m pretty sure in the realm of “things that make sense” Alvin and the Chipmunks, Barney and Elmo are all included. If you have some sort of other means to rate which childrens characters are more believable than others, please share it with me. Unless you’re fine tuning it for the Nobel Prize application. (good luck!!)

      Best Wishes to you and yours.

  1. 1 what running away means « ALWAYS. RUNNER. Trackback on October 12, 2009 at 11:56 am

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