As a child something nagged at me almost constantly in the back of my mind, giving me a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that can only be described as a horrific realization that I would never understand or figure out what the hell the deal with Alvin and the Chipmunks was.
As an adult I still cannot wrap my head around this franchise. I just don’t get it. Are they supposed to be Dave’s children? Do other people know they can talk? Where did they get their tiny clothes and glasses? The list goes on here people.
I thought I was safe from my waking fog of confusion but then a few years ago a live action/CGI Alvin and the Chipmunks was released and I died a little inside. Let me make something perfectly clear: CGI animal/Live action movies almost never work and are usually goddamn awful:
Attention everyone who makes movies: If something was in 2D to begin with fucking keep it that way. No one wants a 3D Marmaduke dancing to Who let the Dogs out. Thank you.
Anyways, I was praying to god that this would be a huge flop and It wasn’t just because I was thinking of myself, I was also thinking of all the parents that would undoubtedly be forced to go and see this dreck. But it wasn’t meant to be. This movie made an assload of money and also spawned a horrific soundtrack featuring the Chipmunks butchering songs like Funky Town.
They also have a song entitled “Get Munk’d” which deeply offends me but i’m not entirely sure why….
….And a quick trip to urbandictionary.com gave me several reasons to be offended by the word munk. (Mom, please don’t look it up)
Disgusting words aside, This movie looked fucking terrible and for some reason Jason Lee got roped into playing their Dad (???) Dave. Goddamn it Jason, first you name your daughter “Pilot Inspektor” then i find out you’re a scientologist, and now this?
Anyways, lets take a look at this fucking movie trailer i guess.
Oh my god. David Cross is in this??? I think i just lost my faith in humanity. Ugh. So yea, that was that. Where did they get those tiny guitars? Why can they talk? Why did this ever get made? The questions are almost as unceasing as the rage i have boiling inside me.
And another thing, their size seems to be pretty inconsistent. In the cartoon i used to watch when i was younger, they were the same size as kids and they hung out with normal kids and went to school and whatnot.
But then in this new one they’re really small and I assume don’t go to public school. Forget about trying to decide if Polanski raped that girl*, lets figure out how tall these goddamn chipmunks are once and for all.
*He totally raped that girl.
The Chipmunk movie came and left and I was relieved to go back to my daily activities without having to wonder if Alvins sweater was custom made. But then just a few days ago, I was enjoying some relaxing time infront of the TV when I was visually assulted by an ad for the sequel.
It is entitled “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel”
Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel
“NOOOOOOOOOO!” I bitterly shouted to the heavens above. But my anguished cries went unheard and I was forced to punch my cat repeatedly in the face to get my anger out. (momma loves you!) Im going to spare you the details, but I will tell you this: The girl chipmunks are in it. Yes, that’s right.
I have no idea what their names are but this just adds another confusing layer to this franchise. Is there some sort of magical chipmunk god pumping out these creepy human chipmunk hybrids? If they whoever invented the Chipmunks took this idea two doors down the hall we could have had a horror movie on our hands. Think about it.
Opening Scene – Dusk, the camera zooms in on crying mutant chipmunk baby, as camera pans closer the monster opens its blood red eyes. Camera pans out as baby screams, revealing rows of sharpened teeth. Title Card reveal: “THE CHIPMUNKS: SOUL EATERS”
Chilling. Simply chilling.
So anyways, The end of this ad has a little blurb that urges you to go Munk yourself. Excuse me?
In the name of entertainment, I went to…ugh..munkyourself.com and found its one of those stupid things where you make a chipmunk version of yourself. On the plus side, you can make it say fun stuff in a chipmunk voice. Things like “I am an affront to God himself” Memories!
In conclusion, can someone please tell me what the hell the deal is with Alvin and the Chipmunks? You guys work on that and I’ll start trying to figure out if the Addams Family is alive or not, and If Velma from Scooby-Doo is a lesbian.