the scariest animals in existence, or: proof God is a jerk

as many of you know already, there are a lot of animals that i am terribly afraid of (i.e – spiders, horses, …..man?) but those are all bush league shit compared to what we’re going to be seeing today.

1. Vampire Squid

wow, Vampires are so hot right now hey guys? Well this squid isn’t good looking in a sort of homosexual way like all the other vampires (I’m looking in your direction Lestat) This squid is just creepy as all hell.

"who wants some kisses??"

"who wants some kisses??"

agh!! why the hell does it have creepy teeth things instead of just suckers like other squids? I’ll tell you why, it’s because God reserved the oceans for his most terrifying creations. This squids latin name is Vampyroteuthis infernalis, which literally translates into “Vampire squid from Hell” Jesus Christ, tell us how you really feel Latin uhhh name giver..guys..? Anyways, totally creepy right? well check this shit out: Its fucking eyes glow in the dark.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST!

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! I NEED AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST!

I honestly can’t think of any reason for this to exist other than to make us think one is brushing against our legs when we’re swimming in the Ocean. Thankfully these things live in the very bottom of the Sea along with Ursula the sea witch, so I think we’re safe. FOR NOW.

2. Camel Spiders

haha.

haha.

While looking up pictures for this I actually started to get super creeped out and sick to my stomach. So i recommend having another picture of two otters kissing or a handsome man or something minimized so you can bring that up to cleanse your palate. Alright. Check it out.

dear god

dear god

Ughhhh why?? Theres also this gem:

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Who the hell would hold on to not one but two of these spiders to take a picture? US Army recruitment officers should be bound by law to show this photo to all new recruits

“And I’ll just slide this photo over to show you the horrible monsters that will be no doubt crawling in your boots and sleeping bag and then get the final paperwork rolling and you should be…sir…sir! please stop running!”

Yes these prizes are fucking awful and somehow even more disgusting than all other species of spiders combined.  Their Latin name is Solifugae, which means “those that flee from the sun” WHAT THE HELL why such creepy names? Could you imagine living back in the day when everyone spoke Latin? Cows would be called “Horned Land Demons” and pigeons would be called “Flighted Bloodseekers” Good god people.

"Furred HellSpawn"

"Furred HellSpawn"

Anyways, i guess these things aren’t actually deadly to humans and only bite when provoked by your wife screaming “GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE JEFF! IT MIGHT BITE THE BABY!”  so as long as your nagging wife keeps her mouth shut, we’ll all be just fine.

3. The Deepsea Hatchetfish

Goddamnit. I knew the Ocean wasn’t done pumping out horrible nightmare fuel. I don’t know what it is with water but it seems to just have awful, awful things to offer. Like these:

I..I dont even have a witty comment..

I..I dont even have a witty comment..

Holy piss! Why do they have this face? why are they screaming? WHY? All i can think of when I look at these is this:

"BRB face melting"

"BRB face melting"

it probably isn’t a good sign that these fish remind me of a Nazi’s face melting off in an Indiana Jones movie. It either means I love Indiana Jones too much (not possible) or that these fish were a terrible, terrible mistake.

These things are actually pretty tiny and they live in the bottom of the Ocean just like apparently every other awful thing, so I’m not too worried about it. actually, maybe they just look like constantly screaming horrific ghouls from the front, maybe they don’t look as awful from the side

somehow this is worse.

somehow this is worse.

and apparently they are grotesque from every angle and Im pretty sure after looking into that fishes’s eye for a few seconds I lost my soul. Fuck.

4. Naked Mole Rat

I actually think rats are pretty cute, and I’m a big fan of certain things when they’re naked so I don’t know how this could go wrong

"Be honest, should I get a facelift?"

"Be honest, should I get a facelift?"

Oh my god it looks like every old person ever mixed with a terrible rat. Look at its creepy little eyes! Sick! People actually have these things for pets. These and Hairless cats are right up there on worst pets ever. If you want a hairless animal to hang out with get a baby.

thank god something that doesn't have a terrible latin name

thank god! something that doesn't have a terribly scary latin name

Why on earth do these exist. I’m honestly questioning God at this point because I don’t want to believe that he saw all of these animals in pre-production and just gave them the go ahead.

EPIC FAIL

EPIC FAIL

You know what these things eat? Potatoes and Poo. That’s correct. They eat their own poo if they can’t find enough Potatoes. Naked mole rats are the animal equivalent to Irish people circa 1845. Except those people just starved to death when Potatoes were in short supply  instead of eating shit, which makes me question which of these two was smarter.

wont make your kid eat poo? worst mom ever.

wont make your kid eat poo? worst mom ever.

Really though God, we need to have  a talk. Why did you make a hairless bucktoothed rat that eats poop? Have you been drinking again?

5. Blobfish

FUCK YOU OCEAN! My Greatest fear is living in a Waterworld type situation because of the rampant ocean animals and Kevin Costner. Plus i think he had gills in that movie? Goddamn it sucked.

Awful Post apocalyptic movies aside, these animals are less scary and more so ugly and pathetic you want to mercy kill every last one of them.

its like a biggest loser contestant of the sea

its like a biggest loser contestant of the sea

God lord. I’m not even clear as to how these propel themselves let alone how they breathe. These fish look like someone whipped a huge glob of spitball at a wall and this is the result. hahah If it could talk it would just constantly complain about its life and it would probably have a catchphrase like “Well at least you aren’t me” and then the “waahh wahhhhh” would play in the background. Are you listening FOX broadcasting? I think we might have a new sitcom on our  hands. I do, however, enjoy its little nose.

oh god there is nothing appealing about this

oh god there is nothing appealing about this

I also imagine if you ate one it would taste like those shitty marshmallow strawberry candies that everyone hates. God really fucked this one up the worst because this fish doesn’t look scary, have a creepy superpower like glow in the dark eyes or terror face, or eat potatoes. it just has an awful name and looks like a melting stick of butter.

Well at least we aren’t him. (wahh wahhhhhh)

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3 Responses to “the scariest animals in existence, or: proof God is a jerk”


  1. 1 leedsbadger October 13, 2009 at 9:05 am

    Check out the weirdo viper fish too, the scary one, not the lesser weever.

    x

  2. 2 Anders Nielsen April 14, 2010 at 6:37 am

    The name of camel spiders may be creepy, but in fact the name refers to the fact that camel spiders flee from the sun, into the shadow.

    The shadow is sometimes a soldier, and that’s why it has been reported that camel spiders hunts people.

    They don’t know – they just want to be in the shade.

  3. 3 The Overthinking Expat April 25, 2012 at 5:47 am

    Wow….I nearly lost it with the screaming deepsea hatchetfish, but it was the blobfish and it’s waahh wahhhhh that made me spit coffee onto my laptop—-in public. I can imagine it’s voice sounding just like Mr. Snuffleupagus. Thanks, I needed that laugh!


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