I’m not going to lie to you guys: Zombies creep me the fuck out and I am actually genuinely terrified of them. Yet, I cannot resist Zombie movies or anything Zombie related, its like their my abusive boyfriend. well my second abusive boyfriend because well…
So lets skirt away from the issue of spousal abuse for a few minutes here and discuss my favorite Zombies.
1. Classic Shuffling Zombies
I pray to God that if Zombies ever actually attack, they will be shuffling nincompoops like these jerks. If they are able to run and jump I will just straight up chuck myself off a cliff. Anywho these badboys are pretty par for the course in earlier Zombie movies, like the classic Romero films, but then somewhere along the line someone decided they weren’t extreme enough and shambling clumsily towards your evening meal is something better left to an inebriated David Hasselhoff.
Despite them being “lame” I still prefer them over their speedy counterparts, mainly because I’m pretty sure I could boogie past one at a brisk walking pace.
Final Grade: A
I fucking love this song. It has it all: Vincent Price reading a poem, goddamn Zombies dancing, Micheal Jackson before he went wrong, and the whole music video is just a friggin masterpiece. When I was younger I should have put some effort into learning this dance but I went on the opposite end of the spectrum and learned the dance to Backstreets Back.
These Zombies are alright in my books because if they ever attacked you in real life I think you would probably have a good chance of escaping while they do their 5 minute choreographed dance routine. That is if you could peel yourself away from the magic unfolding in front of you. What a conundrum. They play this video non stop in October but I listen to this song and the monster mash at any time during the year because im just that cool. These Zombies get extra marks for making me try and do the dance in my car while people stare in horror at red lights. In fact, lets take a minute and watch this because I know I want to see it and I assume you do too.
Wow wasn’t that fun? I was dancing in my chair and I hope you were too. I think we just had a bonding moment you guys.
Final Grade: A++
3.Bub the Zombie (Day of the Dead)
If you are not familiar with Bubs work let me give you a brief rundown:
- He lives in a lab with a scientist who trains him
- He learns how to use a phone
- He FUCKING SHOOTS A GUY
Do I really have to go on? Basically what happens in this movie as a subplot to the rampant Zombie action is a scientist tries to teach a Zombie (Bub) to re-learn basic tasks in a way to show that they can be re trained. But it gets cuter! He teaches Bub to pick up a phone, dial it, put it to his ear and then Bub is all “Hello, Aunt Alicia?” hahaha so precious! It’s unclear whether or not he ever got ahold of Aunt Alicia but I can imagine how awkward that phone call would be. It’s like when someone puts their cat on the phone and you’re like “uhh….so…cat, whats…up?”
Back to the point here, After some Army dick busts in and shoots his Scientist to death Bub starts crying and freaks out, grabs the guy’s gun and fucking shoots the guy. That’s like getting stabbed by a lion or a shark putting arsenic in your food. It’s just total overkill.
I actually almost cried at this part. I goddamn loved Bub and I just wanted to poke him with a stick gently and let him know everything was going to be Okay. So for making me feel, Bub gets an excellent score.
Final Grade: A+
4. Those goddamn fast Zombies
When the Dawn of the Dead remake came out I was all “shit ya!” and then once they started running at amazing speeds I was all “OH GOD NO” I miss the old crappy Zombies, I do not want Zombies that can chase you for 7 city blocks. The whole premise of Zombies is already pretty crazy but why on earth would they be able to run? They’re basically moving rotting corpses so I would like to think that if the dead do in fact rise from the grave to eat us that they will be pretty shitty at doing it.
Every single Zombie movie has these goddamn running ones now, and their rising popularity makes me wish I just ran for 45 minutes instead of eating a Sub sandwich. Damn you Southwest Chipotle subsauce!!
Final Grade: C
5. Evil Dead Zombies
If you haven’t seen these movies you are a jerkoff. Go watch them right now. Actually you can skip Evil Dead one because the second one is pretty much the same…Actually if you have a dinner or a ballet recital or something to go to, you can skip right to Army of Darkness because it is clearly the best one.
These Zombies are called Deadites which is pretty badass if you ask me. Ash is quite possibly the best hero ever because he has a pretty defined chin area, a goddamn chainsaw for an arm and he calls his shotgun a boomstick.
Oh yea, I forgot to mention that he goes back in time in this movie to fight medieval deadites. Feel free to leave right now, speed to your local video store and rent it. I’ll wait. Anyways, at one point in the movie Ash gets split into two and one of him becomes a deadite. That is correct, a goddamn Zombie Ash:
then they totally fight each other and it is hilarious and basically the greatest thing ever. Did I mention they both have capes? ahhh I have to go watch this right now you guys.
So for making me lose my mind and instantly want to abandon writing this to watch it, The Army of Darkness Zombies win!
Final Grade: A+++