Vampires have been around forever in popular culture and it seems like every 10 years there’s a resurgence in popularity, once everyone remembers that chicks get total boners for them. Vampires come in all shapes and forms, so lets take a look at some and I will pass judgment down upon them…viscous, viscous internet judgment. Oh and before you get down the list and wonder why I didn’t include Dracula it’s because Dracula is soooo 1476.
Total Homo. There, I said it. When Lestat isn’t swishing around in European back alleys, he’s at home in lavishly decorated castles wearing something puffy and lacy. Oh and he’s probably doing his hair.
I fucking hate Interview with a Vampire and pretty much anything Anne Rice related because I cannot stand the rampant homosexual undertones. I have no problems with homosexuals, but i do have a problem with characters who are so blatantly gay yet do not come out of the closet. girlfriend, we know you are gay just come out already.
Here is a short list of totally gay things Lestat does:
- Bites (aka Vampire make out) Brad Pitt
- adopts a girl to be his daughter (why not just knock up a sexy vampire lestat?)
- Bites (aka Vampire make out) Christian Slater
- Pretty much everything else he does/says
So for being so gay it hurts yet not accepting of himself, Lestat gets a poor grade.
Final Grade: F
2. The Count
When I was little at some gas station they had little Sesame Street toys you could buy and one was of the Count chilling out with some pumpkins and my goddamn mom wouldn’t get it for me because she thought it was too scary. fast forward to when I was 12 and it was totally cool for me to watch this guy eat a sanitation worker on the XFiles:
Luckily when I went to bed the night after watching that episode all I could think of was being in love with Fox Mulder, which is a bit more troubling in retrospect because he was probably 34 years old at the time.
But we aren’t here to discuss that, we’re here to talk about how goddamn cool the count is. He was one of my favorite characters because he had that sweet silk cape and that infectious laugh. AH HA HA. I LOVE YOU!
He gets extra cool points for being a horrible ghoul that sustains himself on the blood of innocent victims, yet taking the time to teach pre-schoolers about numbers. Keep on truckin’! Also, do you guys remember this little ditty?
So am I the only one who started clapping in excitement halfway through that video? Goddamn it I used to love this song when I was little. I know whats going on my iPod in T-Minus 4 minutes.
Final Grade: OH MY GOD I LOVE THE COUNT
3. Edward Cullen
yes of course he is on this list. Do not lie to yourselves: You would totally bang this guy if you got the chance. I know I would. The rest of the internet would too, I just typed in “Ed” into google and I got the following suggestions: Edward Cullen, Edward Twilight and Edward Fucking Cullen. Oh I also got Ed McMahon who now that I think about it might actually be a Vampire as well.
Edward has already won points over Lestat because his hair isn’t in a ponytail and he doesn’t wear lacy velvet numbers. Plus homeboy is like a hundred years old so he is probably extremely good at doing the Charleston, and I bet he has gotten 100% in Final Fantasy 7.
He does have his downsides though. What with the fact that he has straight up murdered people before, and he also will watch you sleep which is upsetting because I know I make terrible, terrible noises in my sleep (the farting kind)
He is slightly less homoerotic than Lestat, but there’s still a bit of a “will he or wont he bang a dude if it came down to it” element to him. He loses badassery points for being such a huge Vagina and spending most of his time whining instead of hiding behind a silk cape only to emerge and yell “BLAA!!” at the person closest to him. Still pretty bangable though.
Final Grade: B
4.Eric Northman and Bill Compton
I lumped these two jerks in together because they’re on the same show and I’m a lazy S.O.B.
If you haven’t seen True Blood, you probably should probably start because it is extremely cheesy yet addicting. plus there is tits and horrible southern accents.
Bill and Eric are the main Vampires in it and they are both pretty badass in their own way. Bill was a confederate soldier and he knows how to play ragtime music. And he recycles:
On the downside, he has a terrible haircut and constantly bitches and moans. plus he is totally unable to pronounce his girlfriend’s name
ITS SOO-KEY YOU DUMB SHIT.
Eric is also pretty BA and he is super old, he used to be a Viking and I’m going to be honest here guys, the concept of a Vampire Viking is pretty much blowing my mind right now. On the con side of Eric he has terrible bleached hair and I am 78% sure that his tanktops were purchased in the womans department.
But I’m going to give this win to Eric based solely on this:
FUCK YES ERIC IS MEEKUS FROM ZOOLANDER. If you are not familiar with his work maybe this will refresh your memory:
OH. MY.GOD. I love Zoolander. So apparently after dying in a freak gasoline fight accident he was resurrected as a crazy as hell vampire on an HBO series, and for that he wins.
Final Grade: ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPICINO
So there you have it chumps! Clearly a childrens show vampire character beat out all these losers and they should think long and hard as to how that can improve themselves. shame on them.