Ugh. you guys. I watched Transformers 2. In my defense, I saw the first one when it came out and i thought it was sort of OK and I have made my boyfriend watch numerous terrible movies and a lot of Xfiles and The Mighty Boosh, so I figured I would let him pick the movie. NEVER AGAIN.
This movie is so beyond terrible it is laughable. It is almost in the “so bad it’s funny” category of movies but not quite, since it takes itself way too seriously. It’s…It’s just awful. It is 2 and a half hours too long and there is a lot of fucking terrible shit that I am going to talk about so strap yourself in for the long haul. To make it fun, see if you can count how many times I curse out Michael Bay for allowing this abomination to assault my senses.
The movie starts with – I shit you not – a 15 minute fight scene with so many explosions neither one of us had any idea which robots were good and which were bad. I honestly just wanted all of them to explode.
After tons of NON STOP ACTION!!!!! The “plot” started to develop. Apparently in the sequel the Decepticons are still huge dicks and want to either destroy earth or live on it, they either never really made their intentions clear or I don’t give a shit. Probably the latter.
So Shia LeBeef is hanging out at home reflecting on his time with the alien robots and what it was like on the set of Even Stevens when he somehow finds a weird metal sliver which promptly melts through the floor and turns all of the kitchen appliances into weird evil robots. Which are then destroyed by the robot living in his garage. ROBOTS!
After this weird plotpoint, Megan Fox rolls over on her sweet motorcycle (that she poses sexily on no less than twice I might add) and is pissed he’s leaving for college or something? So he goes off to College and there is a really odd scene in which his Mom buys a pot brownie from a college kid and then eats it which causes her to act super drunk and fall all over the place. I was sort of hoping the movie would start following her around, but no. Also his dad says “That brownie has REEFER in it!” which was well, quite frankly amazing.
Anyways I guess this metal sliver that he touched somehow unlocked all the secrets of the universe and I think the Deceptions need him to show them something they can use to destroy Earth? I’m going to level with you guys: I am really unsure of the plot and at no point does it become clear to me. In fact directly before writing this I read the Wikipedia plot synopsis and I’m still not sure what the fuck is going on.
So he starts seeing weird symbols and has these amazing stroke/seizures which are just hilarious. Despite this, he decides to go to a frat party and starts spelling out these symbols things in icing and some slutty girl is all into it and tries to give him a lap dance. He later gives her a ride in his Car/Autobot, Bumblebee. This is where is gets weird.
Bumblebee is apparently pissed that he has another broad with him so he starts fucking around and straight up moves the passenger seat so violently forward that the slut launches herself straight into the windshield. This scene is the highlight of the entire film. Re-Read that. In a movie about intergalactic robots beating the shit out of each other, a random girl smoking her face off of a car windshield is the best part. I’m sure you can see how good this movie is going to be.
After giving her a mild concussion, he then sprays what I can only assume is windshield wiper fluid all over her. I have no idea why this is even in the movie. I mentally checked out 15 minutes in.
Meanwhile Megan Fox is in possession of that metal sliver and a toy robot truck has been following her around trying to get it to the Decepticons. She finds this robot trying to steal her shit, burns its eye out and then throws it in a lunchpail. She then brings this robot to Shia for no real reason that I can see. She somehow brings a murderous evil robot onto a plane yet I can’t bring a goddamn bottle of Ice Tea. GODDAMN IT MICHAEL BAY.
Back at College, Shia starts going crazy as all hell and writes symbols all over his walls, more importantly all over his Bad Boys 2 poster THEREBY COMPLETELY RUINING IT.
Slutty girl shows up and is all “I don’t care that your car went all Christine on my ass, lets do this!” and starts getting all up on him. Cue Megan Fox walking in. Oh what a hilarious misunderstanding! But wait..the slutty chick turns out to be an evil robot…somehow. What?
Ok wait a minute. If Decepticons could turn into humans, why the fuck would they choose to turn into a slutty Co-Ed, why wouldn’t they just turn into the president or someone with a huge amount of power? And if she was a robot then why didn’t she crush him when she sat on him? Is she T-1000? Can all of the robots turn into people? If so, why don’t they? GODDAMN IT MICHAEL BAY!
Ugh. I honestly don’t know if i can go on. Could you imagine watching everything I just described? Jesus Christ. Somehow they escape from this super special robot which they kill by running it over with a Honda civic. I…I.. want to to die.
Then they get kidnapped by a Decepticon but later rescued by two robots. Alright, this is very important. What I am about to explain to you is not made up, this was seriously in a feature film made past the 1940’s. These two robots are twins named Mudflap and Skids. They speak in gangster slang and one has a gold tooth. They used the term “slap you in your bitch face” and said Yo constantly. One actually says “don’t make me bust a cap in your ass” Later on in the film it is revealed that neither one can read. I AM DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.
They must have hired the guy that came up with those crows in the Dumbo movie.
for some reason we decided to keep watching, maybe to see if a robot popped up named LeeWoo that used its gigantic teeth and chopsticks for a weapon.
GODDAMMIT MICHAEL BAY.
Anyways somewhere along the line Optimus Prime died like a bitch and that little robot Megan Fox had told them that he knew a robot that could help them bring him back to life. So they try to do that I guess. I really tried to block most of this part out because that little robot started humping Megan Fox’s leg and I think part of my soul flew out of my body.
Later when i recovered from my blackout they were magically transported to Egypt because I guess Autobots can do that. This is the last 40 minutes of the film and over 30 of it is devoted to explosions. I actually left the room several times and when I came back and asked what I missed the answer was “Explosions”
Shia tries to bring some magical robot glitter to Optimus which will bring him back to life as well as making him ready for all the hottest dance clubs. On his way there an explosion goes off behind him causing him to do several backflips and then die. Thank god right? WRONG. His soul is sent to Heaven where Robots tell him to go back to Earth and fulfill his destiny. He then is alive again. Tell me what was wrong with that last sentence. ROBOT HEAVEN. He either got sent to Robot Heaven or there are Robots hanging out in our Heaven. I do not want Robots hanging out in our Heaven because if that is the case then 60% of Heaven is going to be taken up with abandoned Furbies.
Shia finally sprinkles glitter on Optimus and he wakes up and destroys the Decepticons along with several pyramids and an entire Egyptian shantytown because hey, they didn’t have shitty enough lives.
After saving the world, they decide to leave Egypt in ruins and leave on a gigantic US Aircraft Carrier. (Social Commentary?) and Optimus says some gay speech about how the world is safe or something. I think I blacked out so there could be several key plotpoints I’m missing. But somehow I dont think so.
In conclusion, I fucking hate you Michael Bay.