are my childhood crushes still relevant?

As I am almost in my autumn years (25) i decided to take some time to reflect on my innocent youth spent pining over various boyband members and in one case a man in his 30’s named David. So do i still want to make out with these boys? Lets find out!

ps- I clearly still want to make out with David so i didn’t even bother putting him on this list. (call me!)

Val Kilmer



my inner 14 year old is screaming in joy.

man, I was a messed up kid. Why did i think Val kilmer was handsome when I was probably 14 years old? Dont get me wrong, he was pretty handsome and also Batman so he has that working for him. But I probably should have been digging on Hanson or some shit.  I used to watch The Saint all the goddamn time despite having a very weak grasp on the plot. I think it had something to do with the cold war? All I know is he took his shirt off at least once. I also loved him in Willow because I have a weird thing for dirty medieval men. I’m not even joking about that, it is 100% true.



My love for Val started waning around the time The Island of Dr. Moreau came out possibly because that movie was so fucking awful, or possibly because I spent most of that movie looking at this:


isn't it always so embarrassing when someone comes to a party in the same outfit you're wearing?

My love for him sort of went away once I became obsessed with i think Mel Gibson? Jesus Christ i need help.


I hope its twins!


Well it could be worse. Do I want to bang him? No. Would I make out with him if I had the chance? Probably but just for novelty sake. Apparently his ego is really writing checks his body can’t cash, and by the looks of things those checks bounced at the local gym.

My boyfriend just saw him in some movie called Felon where he played a prison inmate who either got raped or did the raping…hang on a sec i’ll ask. Well after staring at me for several awkward seconds Matt told me there was no raping at all and that I’m a sicko. Anyways apparently the movie was really good but it’s still not enough to let him touch my breasts.

Jonathan Brandis




well this is going straight into my locker i can tell you that much.


Oh man i had the hots for this kid in a big way. Remember the never-ending story part 2? not only a million times better than the original, it also had this total babe in it as the main character. My god he was cute. He was very non-threatening looking so i felt like he would just want to hold my hand and not take things too fast.

He was also in SeaQuest DSV which was a Star Trek type deal but in the ocean? I cant remember but i used to watch it religiously mainly because of this kid and they also had a super smart dolphin in it that i think might have been able to talk. Sweet.



or maybe it just wore backpacks? either way: Sweet




Well uhhh he’s dead. Wow that really puts a damper on things. I was sort of wondering where he has been and by “sort of” i mean “never” but wow, that sucks. Not only because he probably would have aged like a fine wine but because this total eliminates any chance for a seaquest reunion. well lets see what he looked like before he died






Good god! I take back what I said about him aging like a fine wine.what the hell man? When did he magically transform into a fratboy named Doug? Turns out this guy hung himself which is actually pretty sad. especially when he had fans like this:

haha that website was so amazing! did you read the story about how she got an autographed 1995 calendar from him after he was unable to take her to prom? hahaha i seriously cant stop laughing. But it gets pretty sad at the end with the little blurb about how he killed himself. Maybe if he had stumbled upon this poorly designed eyesore of a website he never would have done it. We will never know.

But anyways, would i bang him? No. Would i bang his ghost? umm maybe. But to be honest, probably not. I only thought he was good looking when he was like 17 so that would make a me rapist…a ghost rapist. A person who rapes ghosts. And quite frankly I don’t need that on my plate.

The Motherfuckin’ Red Ranger





Thats right bitches. I used to love the Power Rangers. My friend Jess and I had all the toys between us and once i accidently snapped the friggin wings off her Goldar toy and I know she still holds a grudge about it to this day (Sorry Jess) But she also kicked me in the nose once when we were kung fu fighting on the trampoline so I say we’re even.

Anyways, Jason the Red Ranger was my jam back then. He was the leader AND his robot was a goddamn T-Rex. I rest my case.  He actually wasn’t all that good looking and to be honest, I think I knew that even then. But I guess I just needed someone to love and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be that goddamn annoying robot. WE GET IT JUST SHUT UP.



Even at a young age i wanted to smack your goddamn head off.



Ugh. So since even then I was apparently more attracted to his leadership powers and sweet robot dinosaur, the odds are not looking good that I would let him make out with me today. lets find out though!








AH! when I saw this I started laughing so hard I started wheezing. hahah what the hell man? Didn’t he know martial arts and whatnot? good god. And the bluetooth? Fuck. Anyways he doesn’t act anymore at all and apparently is a paramedic now which is a career that commands a lot more respect then being a power ranger. Well i guess he’s doing better than the yellow ranger (Spoiler alert – She’s dead)

So no, I would never ever let this guy even brush up against me in an elevator. Wow…This article is really destroying my precious childhood memories.

Just for fun, lets take a look and see what Jess’ favorite ranger (Tommy the green ranger)  is looking like these day:





Goddamn it. So Jason got all bloated and Tommy is a fucking MMA fighter. YOU BLEW IT YOUNG RIGBY.


Cary Elwes




his eyes are saying to me "get off your laptop, out of your terry cloth shorts and into my bed"



Can we please talk about how great The Princess Bride was? It had Fred Savage. Andre the Giant and giant mutant rats.That movie is a goddamn classic and Cary Elwes is friggin breathtaking in it. First off, he was super cute as the farmboy



my ovaries!



but then once he got kidnapped by pirates he started wearing all black, grew a mustache and learned how to swordfight. FUCK YES. That is literally everything I want in a man. Seriously.

When I was younger I used to watch this movie all the time and I will probably watch it as soon as I’m done writing this because that’s just how lame I am. I actually totally forgot about Cary Elwes and so did the rest of the world until a little ditty called Saw came out..




umm you're busy, I'll come back later.



Well as you can see he is currently sawing his goddamn foot off in a desperate attempt to escape a diabolical murder device. When I first saw, umm..Saw. (awkward) I was all “Holy shit! the dead guy in the middle of the room was alive the whole time!” then shortly after I was all “HOLY SHIT THATS WESLEY FROM THE PRINCESS BRIDE” clearly the latter was more shocking to me since I put it in capslock. Lets see if theres a better angle



well I saw this going a lot worse. A LOT.



Well not too bad actually. Probably the best out of all the other candidates on this list, which isn’t too much of an accomplishment since one is a skeleton. But either way he is actually pretty handsome. So would I make out with him? Why yes, yes I would.

Success! We found one dude that I would still be seen in public with! So I guess this stroll down memory lane has been worth it in the long run. We had some laughs, found out some people we haven’t thought about since 1994 were dead. All in all I’m pretty pleased.


5 Responses to “are my childhood crushes still relevant?”

  1. 1 steph November 2, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    you totally let is slide that Jonathan Brandis was also in Sidekicks with Chuck Norris!!
    Also, recently saw a picture of Devon Sawa…not bad, not bad..

  2. 2 Ashli November 3, 2009 at 9:57 am

    Ummm, so Cary Elwes was the creepy boyfriend in Liar Liar too. The one who was all awkward, and did “The Claw” all wrong.

    I also did the weeze-laugh when I saw the red ranger now. Also, apparently like 3 of the power rangers did porn, and one is in jail for murdering someone at a comic convention? Look into this for me.

  3. 3 a byte of e news November 4, 2009 at 1:07 am

    wow great your style…I’ll try to keep an eye on your articles from now on

  4. 4 Sarah November 30, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Oh my god, I’m fucking in LOVE with Cary Elwes! Kiss the Girls? The Crush? Princess Bride?! MEN IN MOTHER-FUCKING TIGHTS? He is like GOD, but way hotter. He is the sexiest man alive (almost) and I would totally bang him today.

    My first crush, though, was Commander William T. Riker (Jonathan Frakes). Mmm… That was one manly beard. A beard that is, if anything, even manlier today.

    And Jonathan Talyor Thomas, but that was because of every single movie from the 90s. Now, he is still uber-sexy. He showed up in Smallville, Veronica Mars, 8 Simple Rules, and other wicked shows. Hell yeah.

    Again, I love you, lol

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