I may not be the most fashionable person: I do own at least 8 pairs of pajamas pants and no less than 6 have massive rips in the crotch. But when I have to leave the house, I take off my crotchless PJ pants with dogs printed all over them because I know that they are offensive to everyone and possibly seductive for others. If you wear any of the following items you are the crotch ripped pants to my eyes of society. Does that make sense?
You sons of bitches, this has been a long time coming you shitty pseudo-rubber sandals/shoes. YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION. The following is a list of acceptable circumstances to be wearing crocs in:
- If you are a small child and had no say in the matter
- If you are a douchey hipster and you are wearing them “Ironically”
- If you are 65+ and don’t know any better
- If you have been locked in an underground bunker for the past 25 years and have no fashion sense a la Blast from the Past starring Brendan Fraser
That’s really about it. Now to be fair, I have worn a pair of Crocs before and they are pretty comfortable but they have suffered from the same fate as the smart-car . Good idea, terrible packaging. Hey guys, next time throw your comfy croc shoe sole into a goddamn sneaker or some shit.
How much would you pay for a pair of Crocs? did you answer a small amount of string? Because thats all I would give anyone for a pair of these beasts. That and a swift uppercut to the chops. But no, after a quick look at their official website these fucking things are like 30 to 40 bucks. REALLY? I would rather wear gladd bags on my feet then these monstrosities. You know what? I would rather wear Mr.Burns endangered rhino slippers than these.
Come to think of it that vest is pretty nice too.
2. Any and all clothing with any Looney Tune characters on it.
If anything has ruined Looney Tunes for me its the fact that I fucking hate Tweety bird (is it a boy or a girl? JUST TELL ME) and that I goddamn hate people who wear clothes that have these characters on it. Just stop.
Thankfully any run-ins that I do have with these articles of clothing seem to be contained exclusively to Wal-Mart check outs.
I have no idea where these people are buying these clothes because I havent seen these being sold in stores since 1994.
The only thing worse than your standard looney tunes shirts are the “extreme” looney tunes shirts. You know the ones. Taz is standing with his arms crossed wearing a bandana…a word bubble beneath his feet asks you “What’s your problem?” Or a smug looking Bugs Bunny looks out at you from the front of a stretched out T-shirt, proclaiming that he is “90% angel, 10% devil”
Or this baffling visual:
The good name of Looney Tunes has been drug through the dirt enough, please just let them Rest in peace. The only Looney Tunes merchandise I would purchase would be a confederate flag with Foghorn Leghorn superimposed over top of it. Think about it. It seems to fit doesnt it?
3. Shirts as Dresses
In the winter I like to play a fun game. I call it “drive past bar line ups and laugh at all the sluts freezing their asses off in mini skirts” If you insist on wearing a dress/shirt out to the bar in the winter, at least wear tights underneath or at the very least wear pants and then coat check them. You can do that. I have done it. (please dont judge me Mom)
The point is sluts need to stop doing this. Certain shirts are long enough to wear as a dress and do look really cute with tights underneath. I start to have a problem when I have to see the bottom of your asscheeks if I’m walking up the stairs behind you.
Seriously. JUST STOP. Unless your goal is to save time when you are being raped in the darkened parking lot behind the bar then there is no reason to be wearing a T-Shirt as a goddamn dress. If I see a girl wearing an outfit like this, I automatically assume that she will love the song Crazy Bitch and that she will drink 4 beers and end up screaming on her blackberry to her ex boyfriend. Think about it, you know I’m right.
But honestly girls, you will probably attract a lot more guys if you are dressed normally, and if you don’t then at least you can take solace in the fact that you are better than this girl: