WTF: These movies were actually made?

Remember in Indiana Jones when the Nazi’s opened up the lost ark and their faces melted off? Well instead of being fragments of the 10 commandments in that thing,  there is a good chance that it could have contained any of these movies.

Howard the Duck

howard_the_duck_1986

wait so he was born smoking a cigar? is this about a duck version of George Burns?

This movie is possibly the worst movie ever made. If you watch it I guarantee you will say “I can’t believe this was made” at least 7 times during it. The plot is as follows…(I swear I am not making this up)

Howard, a wise-cracking duck from outer space, is accidentally brought to Earth through a laser beam in an experiment being performed by a physicist. He ends up in Cleveland where he makes friends with a rock singer and they stop alien invaders known as the Dark Overlords from overtaking Earth.

Yes. That movie was made. The thing I find most upsetting is that a team of people worked on this movie and at no time did one of them call a Time-out to question if making a movie about a talking duck fighting aliens was a really good idea. You would think that as soon as the phrase “Wise cracking Duck from outer space” was uttered in a movie pitch meeting, a telephone would be immediately hurled at that person’s head but no.

howard-the-duck_l

what the actual fuck.

Also, Tim Robbins was in this for some fucking reason and I really want to bring it up to him if I ever meet him. I think it would really freak him out.

So how bad was Howard the Duck? let’s read some reviews:

“It really is that bad.” – Filmcritic.com

“Possibly worse than its reputation” – New York Times

“Was it supposed to be bad?” – Montreal Film Journal

and it goes on like that. To be fair, this movie was made in a crazy time: The 80’s. Things were different then; shoulder pads, WHAM!, Reaganomics. Maybe Howard could have been great if it wasn’t made in such tumultuous times. But probably not. In fact, definitely not. Look at this shit:

Whoa. Does…does he get busy with that girl? What the shit? I.. I need to move on from this..I’m getting far to upset.

Theodore Rex

826758~Theodore-Rex-Posters

So uhhh. wow.

Wow this movie is possibly worse than Howard the duck. Let me set the scene for you: It stars Whoopi Goldberg as a futuristic cop who is paired with a talking dinosaur to solve a mystery.

Read that again. This was actually made. You would think since this came out like 10 years after Howard the duck they would have learned, but  no. This movie was so bad that Whoopi actually tried to get out of her contract and leave halfway during filming and the studio decided to send it direct to video at the last second because it was so goddamn terrible.

I feel like some hooded figure jumped out from the shadows and ambushed the film exec to whisper something about a “prophecy being foretold of a movie so terrible it will destroy society itself” and when the film exec turned around to demand who sent him, the hooded man just disappeared in a puff of smoke. Actually doesn’t that sort of sound like a better movie?

HoodedManOneBMar07

"...you must also find the jade monkey before midnight"

This was on TV last night and I totally lost my mind because I forgot about it entirely and I started flailing around yelling at my boyfriend to come quick and see. When he ran into the living room he was less than pleased to be greeted with Whoopi highfiving a dinosaur. Although once he ran into a room  because we were all yelling about some nice boobs on tv but we all lied and it was actually Kathy Bates topless in a hot tub so it clearly wasn’t the worst thing he’s ever seen.

schmidt

Kathy you whore. STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN.

Are you guys ready to watch the trailer? Im warning you in advance it contains at least 4 scenes of the dinosaur hitting people with his tail, and one bizarre scene of the dinosaur throwing cookies at his own face.

Uh so apparently there are also other dinosaurs? What the hell kind of world is this taking place in? Also is it just me or was the most upsetting thing about this entire movie Whoopi’s outfit? shudder.

Any ________ – Movie

 

disaster-movie-poster-final-thumb-450x666

I would like it better if they fit in at least 16 more pop culture references

 

 

Let me make this clear right off the bat: I actually love Scary movie 1-4. They have their place in life, and that place is for me to watch them in my undies on Sunday morning while I’m hungover as shit.

These things are seriously pumped out like 3 times a year and It really, really needs to end. The first of its kind was Date Movie and I gave it a shot, I really did. Matt and I took our only child, Bottle of Jager to that movie and even then we didn’t laugh. We just ended up gesturing drunkingly towards the screen while shouting obscenities.

 

jagermeister

your father and I love you very much

 

 

These movies are so bad they actually hurt. I didn’t laugh at all through Date Movie and I was goddamn wasted. I don’t know how someone could write something so terrible and not be working on the Jay Leno show.

 

jay-leno

I don't have a witty comment here, I just geniunely think he is terrible and not funny at all.

 

 

without seeing any of these movies I know that there is going to be at least one scene of a fart blowing someone away, a midget breakdancing, and at least one scene of someone violently shitting themselves. I know the phrase  “violently shitting themselves” is pretty hilarious, but trust me It won’t be once it’s in one of these movies.

They are just one shitty, poorly executed pop culture reference after another and they really need to end. They already covered pretty much every genre in film so I don’t really know what else they could do.

 

boxx

if they make a joke about Britney Spears being a bad parent they could have a winner on their hands

 

 

Crossroads

crossroads-1

so carefree and fun! I WANT TO BE THEM.

Oh god this movie. I watched this when I was like 15 and even then I knew it was terrible and this was a time in my life when I listened to Backstreet boys constantly on repeat and I ate Alphagettis for lunch at least once a week. So clearly I wasn’t the smartest tool in the shed.

2928617296_9d3fc8e7a1

me at age 15

I obviously know why this movie was made; Britney Spears was a goddamn cash cow at the time and there was no way it couldn’t have made money. The question I am proposing to you all is this: Why was it so fucking terrible? It seriously made no sense at all.

Britney and two girls go on a roadtrip to rekindle their friendship and so she can become famous or something. Pretty ok plot, but somehow in a movie aimed directly at teen girls the following things happen:

-One of her friends is pregnant after being raped

-She later falls down the stairs thus aborting the baby

-Britney meets her real mom who then tells her she never wanted her

-Britney gets nailed against a window by a dude

-Dan Akroyd is in this for some unknown reason (I’m hoping some blackmail was involved)

 

I’m not even kidding when I tell you the character who loses the baby gets over it in under 4 minutes. I dont know why a movie would bring up such a loaded subject only to spend less time on it then they do a scene where Britney sings in a karaoke bar. But at least it taught girls the old heave-ho trick if they want to abort their kid

 

inset_staircase

hint hint

 

 

This movie was, I’m sure loved by idiot kids but I’m sure the parents sitting next to them in the theater were quite distressed about the entire thing and were dreading having the “when a man and a woman love each other very much sometimes the man will have sex against a hotel window with that woman” talk on the car ride home.

Let’s see what the masses had to say about Crossroads:

“Dull, a road-trip movie that’s surprisingly short of both adventure and song.”- LA Weekly

“I never looked at my watch so often during a movie.” – Variety

“I love this movie!!” – Youtube User TwilightFansLA

“OMG this is my #1 favorite movie ever in the wooorrrlllddd!
i’ve already watched it like 7 times in a row! haha” – Youtube User oliviarox

Well clearly the opinions are varied. Varied and retarded.

 

So is there a place for these movies? I believe there is. I know of some top men that should really examine these. Top men.

warehouse

 

 

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