Well it happened you guys. I went and saw New Moon. This movie has taught me so much and it turns out I have been living my life all wrong and there are several ways I could improve myself and therefore find my one true love. Not getting shitty drunk on whiskey in a teen romance movie and stumbling headfirst into a cardboard cut out in the lobby might have been a good place to start but it’s too late to go back in time. So lets take a look at what this masterpiece of cinema taught me
1. Be as boring as possible and people will like you
I think the actors in this movie got paid by the “ok” and “umm” because my god is this dialogue awkward. Now the films protagonist is Bella Swan who despite having a borderline pornstar name, has lots of friends and a totally hunky boyfriend. She is also possibly the least likeable character in any franchise since Slippy the toad in Starfox.
In the first 10 minutes of the film it is explained its her birthday which she inexplicably hates. Her Dad gives her a digital camera for her birthday and she seriously says “this is sort of great” say that sentence out loud in your most bored voice. That is exactly how it sounded. She goes to school and awkwardly takes pictures of her friends who are all way more exciting and fun than her and I sort of wish the movie was about them instead.
She then receives a present from her Indian friend Jacob and remarks that he should go to school with her and the rest of the PALE FACES. THE TERM PALE FACES WAS USED IN A TEEN ROMANCE MOVIE FROM 2009. Also the gift he gives her is a goddamn dream catcher so I was losing my shit and spilling fireball all over myself in the theater.
My point is this: She is fucking boring as shit and has nothing to bring to the table whatsoever. She doesn’t have nice cans or a Nintendo Wii so I have no idea why she is popular and has two dudes fighting over her. Maybe I should stop being fucking rad and resign myself to a life of mumbling and making uncomfortable small talk and I will become the toast of the town. But all the stammering and awkward silences in the world couldn’t save Bella in the end because after her boyfriends crazy brother tries to eat her (and not in the sexy way) he dumps her ass in the woods and peaces out. Which brings me to my next lesson
2. If you get dumped, go batshit crazy
I’m not exactly sure how long Edward and Bella date for, but I think it’s somewhere along a year. And we all know 17 year old love is the purest love of all so understandably Bella loses her fucking mind when her first boyfriend that she has not even slept with yet breaks up with her. There is a montage of her sitting at a window as the seasons pass and there are several scenes of her screaming herself awake because the pain is too great. I don’t know about you guys but I have never screamed myself awake. I have farted myself awake, but never screamed myself awake. Maybe she picked up a heroin habit somewhere along the line and saw a baby crawling on the ceiling.
But alas, that is not the case. She is just mental. I’m surprised they didn’t add a scene of her hacking into his email or her changing her facebook status to single and making all her statuses lyrics to linkin park songs. She does, however, email his family every fucking day. After doing this for several months she decides she’s tired of screaming herself awake every night and decides to go hang out with that Indian kid. Everything seems to be looking up for the most boring girl in history because of one simple rule
3. To get over your boyfriend dumping you, just string some other chump along
Instead of trying to solve her emotional issues herself and get over being dumped, she decides to just hang out with Jacob all the time because she doesn’t want to be alone and as a cold-hearted bitch, enjoys being a cocktease as the saying goes “If you can’t be with the one you love, hang out with an Indian kid” Despite having some rip roarin times at the Indian reservation, she still misses Edward. Even after she finds out that Jacob and his shirtless jean short wearing friends are all werewolves, she still misses her way less cool movie monster boyfriend. This is when she discovers something I don’t fully understand.
Bella discovers that if she does dangerous things like ride on the back of a strangers motorcycle or eat at Chinese buffets, then Edward will appear as a hologram(?) and tell her to smarten the fuck up. On the plus side, this really opened the floodgates for me to make tons of Star Wars jokes but other then that I was really baffled by the whole thing.
It was never really clear if she was just slowly losing her mind or if he somehow learned to astro project himself into a dapper looking hologram or what. Maybe every time she ate an apple without washing it, somewhere in the world Edward was having a seizure as his soul left his body to tell her to wash it and take the sticker off.
So Bella shakes her A cups at Jacob and convinces him to help her fix up some old bikes so she can tool around on those and get off on seeing her ex boyfriends ghost weiner through his ghost trousers. (what a bitch) After a lackluster “fixin’ stuff up montage” they complete the bikes and she promptly drives straight into a rock. Jacob runs over and takes off his shirt to dab at her gushing head wound and everyone in the theater lost their shit.
This kid is goddamn 17 years old. He is apparently a new sex symbol but I can’t get over the fact that he was born in 1992. Full grown women are all over this kids jock and it makes no goddamn sense. I mean, I know Robert Pattinson is pale and british but at least he can legally vote and get trashy drunk in nightclubs, so he is clearly the winner of the two. Hey all you Jacob fans: If you are over the age of 18 here is someone you probably have a lot in common with:
But I digress. Sometime later Bella realizes the ultimate rush is jumping off of cliffs into the Ocean. No one ever said she was smart. She gets saved by Jacob and his pack of shirtless Indians. Bella returns home from a fun-filled day of almost drowning and finds Edwards sister in her house spazzing out because she had a vision that Bella died. Which brings me to my next lesson
4. If you hurt yourself, your ex will come back
It’s true ladies. If you get dumped, your best course of action is to lurk around your ex and cause a gigantic public scene or phone him in the middle of the night claiming you ate a bunch of pills. Or, if you don’t have pills nearby and don’t like causing public scenes, then just fake your own death and see what happens. In this case, Edward acts like a total bitch and realizes he loved her all along and can’t live without her so he decides to go to Italy and piss off the only cool vampires in the entire movie, therefore forcing them to kill him.
Bella heads to Italy to save him and there actually an action scene (!!!) but it only lasts a few minutes and Edward was wearing a weird snuggie during it so I was really thrown off my game. The end result of this encounter is that if Bella and Edward want to not be killed by these vampire badasses then he has to turn her into a vampire and he’s pretty pissed about it but Bella is stoked. Which brings me to my last point
5. If you get your boyfriend back then fuck everything else
So Edward is pretty bummed that he has to turn his lady into a vampire because well, they are damned ghouls from beyond the grave that could get murdered by Blade at any minute. Bella is all for it though because now that she had Edward she doesn’t need friends or family or a soul! All she needs is her first and only boyfriend that has already dumped her once after dating for a year and who she has never even seen without his pants on. Their love is so pure! At the end of the movie he says he will only change her into a vampire if she agrees to marry him. Wow! how could she say no? I mean, most girls that get married at age 18 have no regrets at all! KUDOS TO YOU NEW MOON. Oh yea, and she pretty much tells Jacob to fuck off because now Edward is back in the picture. What a bitch.
So there you have it. Depressing isn’t it? the most absurd part of the entire thing is this book series was written by a woman. Why would a woman choose to make such an unlikeable female protagonist when she ultimately chose everything that character did and said? Bella could have been a sweet bikini warrior riding on a polar bear with a huge broadsword, railing dudes in different towns and shooting people in the goddamn face. Fuck that would have ruled.