Hey Charlie Brown: kill yourself already

My god I hate Charlie Brown so much. He isn’t even funny. Maybe he should take a page out of Calvin and Hobbes book and try to be as amazing as they are. Fuck I hate him. I always have. Even when I was younger and I was supposed to like him and his dumb little comics and various holiday specials, even then I hated him with a passion that my tiny 7 year old body could barely contain. It wouldn’t be until years later when I could put a name to that feeling I had. I Loathe you. You hear that you goddamn yellow shirt wearing old man looking fuck? I LOATHE YOU.

You have literally nothing to smile about you round headed bastard.

Ugh and his friends are almost as bad. He hangs out with a total bitch, a smelly poor kid and a closeted lesbian couple. His dog is the only cool thing he has going for him and that isn’t something to be proud of.

I think the guy who wrote this was just like “hmm I can sort of draw kids ok, I’m just going to make a comic and assume people will read it because they have nothing else better to do other than die of Cholera” I say that because I am pretty sure this comic has been around since the goddamn 1800’s.

"the only thing that could take my mind off this terrible time we live in would be a drawing of a little white dog flying a plane around"

And his catch phrase: “Good Grief” are you serious with that? that is something that comes out of a widowers mouth when her cat Mrs. Whiskers spilled milk all over the floor. It is a phrase that a priest uses when he realizes someone put Canadian tire money in the collection plate. It is not a phrase that a child should use. Bart Simpson had “get bent” and “eat my shorts” Urkel had “did i do that?” and yet he takes the cake with goddamn “Good grief” good grief indeed Charlie, good grief indeed.

And you aren’t funny at all. At all. lets see what some of your comic strips have to offer

Now it took me a few times to get this. At first I thought it was a dog house and Snoopy was inside lamenting about how some girl never comes and hangs out with him on the weekends. Turns out its a goddamn wall that is talking. What? Am I missing something? I don’t remember a peanuts character that hung out next to a wall alot or like, did weird sexual things with a wall that would warrant said wall missing them.

I hate it when comics do this, you guys run daily so what if I missed yesterday when the talking wall was introduced? This reminds me of the time I read a for better or for worse when all that happened in it was a dog drowned trying to save a kid from a river. Im serious. Im sitting there with my cereal trying to have a good time and I’m bombarded with images of a cartoon dog flailing around in an icy river then dying of a heartattack as soon as he makes it to shore.

....Ha...ha?

Goddammit! where was I? oh yea, Peanuts sucks but at least they never murdered a dog. Let’s check out some other terrible comics they have to offer.

jesus christ Charlie, can't you do anything right? you're a mess.

Well I guess this is sort of funny. This is the kind of comic strip that someone named Helen would have hanging in her cubicle. Maybe thats the reason this comic has run for so long, because the world is full of boring, mediocre people who like things that don’t offend anyone and are therefore completely safe to enjoy. It’s either that or Charles Schulz made a deal with Lucifer and sold his soul for a lifetime of employment creating subpar comic strips with strong Christian undertones. DAMN YOU GOATFOOTED HELL BEAST.

"mwahah now I'm off to renew Two and a Half Men for another season"

These aren’t even a comic that I searched out to be terrible, I just typed Peanuts comics into google and these are the first ones that came up. Jesus Christ. Also, I’m pretty sure that 87% of the comics involve Charlie Brown being unable to kick a football and then later having a friggin mental breakdown about it talking to his pyscharist who is infact the exact same wench that caused him to miss the football. FUCK.

because there's nothing funnier than mentally ill children

Oh but the worst part about him is his fucking Christmas special. My god is this thing depressing. The Peanuts Christmas special is more depressing than the Supernatural Christmas special and in that one people get murdered by an evil Santa and Sam gets his goddamn fingernail ripped off. I actually gagged at this Christmas special and I still think it’s better than the Charlie Brown one.

I honestly hated this as a child, I watched every single christmas special but this one. I think I was really weirded out by that whole nativity scene where they recite lines from the bible, which sort of makes me look like an asshole because Christmas is a religious holiday but I am clearly just in it for the nog and gifts (don’t judge me)

Anyways I’m pretty sure this is the only Christmas special that involves a scene of a child telling his friend how depressed he feels around the holidays. Are you fucking kidding me? Kids are goddamn stoked around the holidays because they get time off school and get to throw snowballs with a rock hidden in them at kids they hate.

thats what you get for wearing orange sleeveless shirts after labour day you jerk

It just so fucking terrible. It’s basically about the over-commercialization of Christmas and getting back to the Christian roots of the holiday, which is ironic because it was originally sponsored by Coca-Cola and the original version had several animated coke cans throughout it.

It's what Jesus drinks when he's done a long day of Jetskiing

I don’t know if they are still making these comics anymore because I assume the guy who wrote them died several years ago at the age of 200. Let’s hope that’s the case. I just know that there are several (thousand) things I hate in this world and Charlie Brown is at the top of my shit list. Good Grief.

JUST DIE ALREADY

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13 Responses to “Hey Charlie Brown: kill yourself already”


  1. 1 Bryant December 7, 2009 at 6:47 am

    Peanuts is almost as bad as the family circus

  2. 2 Chris October 24, 2010 at 11:08 am

    The fact you’d write an article like this in the first place (wrought with errors I might add) only shows how truly shallow you are.

    I do expect such garbage from anyone who has a blog titled “Vodka for Breakfast”. I’m completely certain if you ceased to exist, the world wouldn’t give a rats ass.

    Do us all a favor and gargle on some broken glass, asshat.

    • 3 rigsamarole October 27, 2010 at 8:45 am

      I’m sorry but I can’t stop laughing my ass off at the fact that me making fun of Charlie Brown enraged you enough to wish pain on me. Do you really love that bald asshole that much? Sweet lord you must be the whitest person ever!

      I actually went into a state of limbo for a few months back in 2008 and technically ceased to exist and when I came back a lot of my friends were all “oh man, where were you? we missed your grace and beauty while you were ceasing to exist!” So take that you jerk!

      oh and I’ve found that gargling with scope does a lot better job than with broken glass. Scope leaves my mouth kissable and fresh where as broken glass just leaves my mouth full of blood and bits of glass.

      xoxoxo

      • 4 A friend October 22, 2011 at 9:28 pm

        rigsamarole, don’t be afraid to embrace your opinions. You covered a lot of ground nicely.

        And Chris, for that, nobody cares what you think.

      • 5 Brian Davids March 21, 2013 at 6:06 pm

        I thought your piece was amusing, but you’re not.
        Quote : “you must be the whitest person ever!”
        So this is some racism thing you have going. Makes you a racist twit, doesn’t it.

      • 6 rigsamarole February 12, 2014 at 12:45 pm

        Racism against white people is like a -10 on the “actual racism scale” Let’s be real here. No one is crossing the street to hide from a white person, unless its the deep south and that white person is wearing a confederate flag hat and the person crossing the street is any shade of skin colour darker than a napkin. If the worst racism you have to endure as a white person is someone making fun of your love for Charlie Brown, I think you’re doing ok. Get back to me when you get spit at on the street for wearing a turban.

        Plus I’m white, so I guess I’m less racist and more of just a self loathing honkey?

  3. 7 Lisa October 26, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    This is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

  4. 8 Laur November 26, 2011 at 8:52 am

    That was fucking hilarious, I agree with everything you said. I’m watching this shit in 2011 and have never felt more anxious at how horrible a show is in my life, I can feel my blood pressure boiling everytime one of those little freaks opens their mouths. This just show’s how little talent you have to have to entertain dumbasses like that Chris guy and Americans in fucking general….good grief

    • 9 A friend April 4, 2012 at 12:40 pm

      “I can feel my blood pressure boiling everytime one of those little freaks opens their mouths.”

      I feel your pain, friend. In fact, whenever I read or at least skim through the comics, I can almost never resist the urge to verbally retaliate at them.

  5. 10 Kymm LG March 31, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Thank you! I thought I was the only one who hated Charlie Brown with intensity. I still lament over the fact that I wasted a dollar buying a used comic book that was so agonizing to read that I actually threw it against a wall and yelled, “Fuck you, you little shit!” and I never get angry at books no matter how horrible. Usually they just get an eye roll or a shove away. but Charlie fucking Brown, that little bastard…

  6. 11 Charlie Brown October 11, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    So… I guess I must kill myself now.

  7. 13 Anjum Ahmed November 22, 2013 at 8:52 am

    I love Charlie Brown, though I still enjoyed this post. I can appreciate a bit of cynical humour. Interesting you mention Calvin and Hobbes, it was actually Calvin and Hobbes which introduced me to Peanuts, as Schulz gave a foreword in one of the collections.

    Came across this post when I quite simply searched “Kill Yourself, Charlie Brown” to see how original this image I photoshopped was. – http://i.imgur.com/xxWTo9O.jpg


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