Ghost hunting shows: either show ghosts or just stop.

I love creepy ghost shows and I spent the majority of my youth reading urban legends and watching FBI agents shoot aliens in the face. If I was still 13 years old i might legitimately be entertained by these ghost hunting shows. But I’m not 13 years old and these fucking shows are just terrible. Notice how I said “shows” thats because there are like 14 of these things. Check it out we’ve got Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters International, Most haunted, Paranormal State, Ghost Adventures, Ghost Lab. AND IT GOES ON LIKE THIS.

COMING THIS FALL TO ABC

I’m going to pitch a show to TLC called “Ghost Cake challenge” and if they don’t like that, I have another one called “Ghost and Ghost plus eight Ghosts” they would be fools to not buy that one!

"this fondant is to DIE for! get it? I'm a ghost...also a baker"

The one thing these shows all have in common besides having at least cast member with a dumpy looking beard is that they never actually see any ghosts. EVER. Oh they see tons of orbs, which is the scariest shape since the rapist trapezoid, but they never ever see any actual ghosts. These shows are just people clumsily banging around haunted barns for 45 minutes while they occasionally shout “DID YOU HEAR THAT??” it is just the fucking worst.

A GHOST!!! RUN BITCH, GET HELP!

But out of all of these shows Paranormal State is the one that fills me with the most rage. I’m hanging out enjoying some quality programing on A&E, whether it be hoarders finding dead cats in their houses, crack addicts spitting on themselves or Steven Seagal crackin’ skulls, when I am suddenly bombarded by this goddamn mess.

now this is entertainment!

The main guy, Ryan,  always goes off about how when he was little he had some traumatic experience with ghosts so I was all “shit ya!” but then it turned out that he was just scared of ghosts when he was little. WTF. That is barely being haunted. I got terrorized and scared for the majority of my youth by my father who would routinely grab my legs as I ran up the stairs and I don’t have a goddamn show on A&E. That being said, I am strangely attracted to this guy and It sickens me to my very core.

So people always call them and get them to come check out their haunted piano (yes that was actually in an episode) or whatever and then Ryan explains about how the ghost is actually following him and ruining his life. What a pompous son of a bitch. So let’s take a look at some of this hard evidence that Paranormal State has to offer us.

THRILL! …as someones elbow is bumped

SCREAM! …as someone wakes up and all the lights are turned off

SHRIEK! ….as someone thinks he hears a box being moved around

GASP! ….as a man in a peacoat walks around a basement alone

Jesus Christ. The thing that pisses me off is that this could probably be a good show if they marketed it as a scripted horror show instead of a reality show. It could be about this goon and his friends helping people out while trying to track down the demon that has haunted him his entire life. But instead they try to pass it off as reality which is just an insult to everyone. Hey, Paranormal State: Do I look like an asshole? because that’s what you are saying to me when you insult my intelligence like this. Go to Hell. And maybe take your shirt of Ryan so I can see what I’m working with.

Ghost Hunters is the grand daddy of awful ghost shows and their “proof” is always just shadows or someone dropping a coffee mug or messing up sheets on a bed. I guess what really enrages me about these shows is that the ghosts could just be some intern running around in the shadows.

"hmm I think I hear a ghost being...ghostly behind this wall. Paycheque please"

If I was a ghost I wouldn’t be haunting these jerks, I would be hanging out on David Duchovny’s ceiling waiting for him to change into his Pajamas (so hot) But that is neither here nor there….anyways, let’s see what photographic evidence these assholes have to bring to the table

SPOOOOOKY

So what the hell is this? This would only impress me if that entire fence was a ghost but I don’t really know if ghost fences exist. That would really open a floodgate of possible ghost objects and I don’t know if I can sleep at night knowing there might be a ghost peach hanging out in the corner of my bedroom. I think the ghost in the photo is possibly the blurry cloud infront of the fence. THE HORROR.

Let’s see if youtube has anything to offer us, and I hope it isn’t all in nightvision because it will give me flashbacks of the Paris Hilton sex tape.

What the fuck. To be honest, I have no fucking clue what just happened in that clip. If you haven’t ever watched Ghost Hunters that clip is a pretty good example. picture watching that for an hour. HOW ARE THESE SHOWS STILL ON.  It’s the same fucking thing every time. Everyone involved in them must be just dead inside because their career is essentially working in a carnival funhouse that is televised. I bet they have people on staff with the job position  “official spooky groan maker” and “chain shaker” my god. so so terrible.I’ve been more scared at episodes of Scooby-Doo

WHOA! IS THIS AN ACTUAL THING? HOLY SHIT

Wow. I totally just lost my train of thought now that I know a movie called “Scooby Doo meets Batman” exists. I…I really have to go try and find that. Where was I? Oh yea, Ghost hunting shows are fucking dumb and A&E should stick to what it knows: Videotaping girls who are addicting to huffing duster

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3 Responses to “Ghost hunting shows: either show ghosts or just stop.”


  1. 1 George C December 14, 2009 at 5:18 pm

    Ghost Adventures is bad ass. Plus, as a possible woman, gay man, or loser sitting in his basement pretending to be a woman or gay man, you should find Zack really hot. Hot enough not to hate the show.

  2. 2 Sailer December 15, 2009 at 9:10 am

    Just by seeing the legnth of those sideburns, I knew inistantly that was Sam Winchester in that photo.

  3. 3 sniffits December 16, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    eh, I think it’s fun to watch them make asses of themselves. And god damn it people, it was proven years ago that orbs are just dust particles bouncing light. You know what I would love, though I know it would be impossible?

    A show about urban exploring. God that would be awesome.


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