Well guys the holidays are upon us and I don’t know about you but I have clearly been drinking a lot and watching Christmas Vacation. Oh you Griswolds, when will you learn?
After drunkenly shaking all my presents under the tree I thought now would be a good time to reflect on my past Christmas gifts and see if I would still be as stoked to get them. So lets take a trip down memory lane and see what my childhood has to offer this time (hint: it will probably be nerdy as all hell.)
FUCK YES I LOVED POGS. I don’t really know why though, to be honest I never actually played the game because even at a tender age I knew it was retarded. For those of you that don’t know how to play, you essentially stack up a bunch of these things and then hit them with a metal Pog and whichever ones land face down you get to keep. Is it just me or does this have the feeling that someone made it up on the fly to get Pogs from that one fat kid everyone knows that would do anything to be popular? Either way I never played because I didn’t want to part with my beloved Pogs. In my mind, every game of Pog played had the potential to become a Sophie’s choice situation in a real hurry.
I did, however, still love Pogs and my OCD became rampant when I decided I NEEDED TO COLLECT ALL OF THEM EVER. I had all of the Simpson Pogs and I also had all of the Lion King pogs. In other words, I was super cool and all the boys loved me.
But do I still want them?
Fuck no. My boyfriend and I actually came across some of his Pogs that his mom found in a closet and they were actually pretty goddamn lame. I think about 80% of them had a goddamn skull on them so I had a hard time getting excited about them. Really, if anything, the sight of those Pogs brought back a terrible memory from my childhood where I saved up a whole shit ton of Kool-aid points and sent away for the OFFICIAL Pog Game and I got a letter weeks later saying they ran out of Pogs games and sent me back all my points in a little envelope. My childhood ended that day.
So in conclusion: Pogs are gay as hell and not even cool in an ironic way and Kool-aid can go fuck itself.
Oh man did I ever love my Tamagotchi. I had a purple one I remember distinctly and it would only ever change into one type of monster and It pissed me off to no end. It looked like a retarded duck.
Anyways, these things were a huge time waster and they would constantly beep in the middle of the night and I would lose my shit and throw it out into the hallway. Hopefully any babies I have wont scream in the middle of the night or It could really end badly. Shortly after these came out some other company was like “Fuck that noise, we can make them better” and then they did. Out came Nano Babies which I loved with all my heart. I got one and named it Fox Mulder because I’m a goddamn sicko apparently. We had some good times together, Fox and I. He would beep, I would press the left button to feed him. It was just like raising a real child. Until the unspeakable happened and Fox suddenly DIED.Well not so much died as the machine froze and then broke possibly from all those nights spent whipping it against a doorframe for beeping too loudly. R.I.P. Little guy
But do I still want one?
What am I? an idiot? Of course I still want one. My god. This thing would have so many uses. How goddamn sweet would it be to pull one of these out at a party “oh, excuse me, I just have to feed my TAMAGOTCHI!!” Boom! instant popularity. On the other hand I enjoy sleeping in even more now so I would probably get a sore shoulder from throwing this thing out my window at 4 in the morning. I also don’t think I could go through another emotional loss of a digital child, my little heart just can’t take it. WHY DIDNT YOU TAKE ME INSTEAD OF NANO BABY FOX MULDER???
Obviously these things are fucking amazing. It comes with sweet templates so you can make a rocket ship or a frog and stuff. Every kid looks at this and is always “fuck that! I can make my own sweet Lite Brite art!” but then moments into creation they realize they have no idea what their doing so they just end up making it say Poo or something like that. Or maybe that was just my childhood.
These toys have been around for frigging ever and I loved mine until I forgot about it and abandoned it in the garage and accidentally ran over part of it with my car several years later. But all presents eventually suffer that fate. Even puppies.
But do I still want it?
Hell yes I still want one. Are you kidding me? I want to get one and spell out hateful messages, then plug it in and leave it by the front door so it’s the first thing someone sees when they come home. A delightful childlike message that says “You’re dead to me” haha oh the hilarity! But it also has lots of other great uses:
I feel like the case for Lite Brites is pretty frigging strong, especially with that Square tit closure. Fuck yes Lite Brites rule.
4. Super Nintendo
Obviously the greatest present of all time. We had the original Nintendo and my brother and I played that all the time so it only made sense for our parents to get us the SNES. After we basically told them outright to get it for us or we would be pissed right off, they really had no choice but to relent. AND OH MAN how goddamn sweet was this thing? I remember when we got it Donkey Kong Country came out right away and they bought us that too and those graphics blew our funkin’ minds.
We played this literally all Christmas day and It was a scene that would be replayed years later when I got my PS2 and played Grand theft auto all day until my dad barreled down the stairs and yelled at me to go outside. Ah memories.
But do I still want one?
Guess what assholes? I still have this badboy. I played it yesterday afternoon and it was everything I ever wanted and more. My super nintendo has been really the only constant in my life, I have gone through friends, jobs, and boyfriends but through it all my SNES has always been there for me. Is that sad or heartwarming? I’m going to go with heartwarming so I don’t end up killing myself.
I still have my original controllers complete with bite marks that I put in them when MARIO JUST WOULDN’T FUCKING JUMP ONTO THAT LEDGE. Actually one of them got broken recently when my friends had a drunken street fighter championship and my brother lost so he threw it against a wall, flipped over the coffee table and then left. Ah memories!
So in conclusion I got some pretty effing sweet Christmas presents over the years. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go challenge my brother to a Street Fighter tournament after I move all the furniture out of the way. Merry Christmas!