Last House on the Left: A drunken review

Hey kids, remember when I asked you guys to pick out shitty movies for me to get drunk and review? well here is the first of three. Me and my good friend Fireball will be reviewing this little ditty. So let’s get crackin’ I guess.

you are the Ike to my Tina

you are the yin to my yang

Right off the bat I thought Josh Brolin was in this but I was sorely mistaken. It was just an off brand Brolin. DAMN IT.  Actually on closer inspection he looks nothing at all like Josh Brolin. DAMN ME.

Ok so whats going on here. A generic looking blonde girl is out in the woods with her family and they’re talking about how her much better looking, more talented brother died somehow and the girl is wearing a necklace that he gave her. They zoomed in on the necklace several times so I’m guessing it’s important. All they needed was a few neon arrows pointing at it to really hammer the point home.

Anyways she asked if she could go into town to hang out with her townie friend. This is all just boring development which I feel is uncalled for in most horror movies since on the back on the DVD case they usually show at least one character dying so you know you can just mentally shut off as soon as they come on the scene. That and if they’re black. Yea, I said it.

pictured: The only black man to never die in horror movies.

Luckily for this girl she has no black friends but unluckily for her she does have a slutty friend who agrees to go smoke some “primo weed” with some shady fucking kid they busted shoplifting in the store she works at just moments before. Kids these days.

I bet this guy has some primo weed too! in the back of his 1994 Chevy Astrovan

I bet this guy has some primo weed too! in the back of his 1994 Chevy Astrovan

Of course it goes horribly awry when this kids dad (non Brolin) and his henchmen show up and decide the most reasonable course of action is to show the two girls the newspaper that says they are wanted by the police, then rough them and drive them out to the woods to murder them. Pretty solid game plan, I’d say.

its all here in this book, pages 17-28

it's all here in this book, pages 17-28

ahh I started dicking around with my cat (poor choice of words?) and I sort of wasn’t paying attention but as far as I can tell the girls are clearly about to get murdered out in the woods. Also the evil woman henchmen is wearing awful overalls. good lord. Hang on I’ll try to find a picture.

notice non-Brolin lurking in the back

Now, as a backstory, my friend Darcy watched this movie before me and all he really had to say about it was there is was an awkwardly long rape scene in it. And let me tell you, this rape scene is so uncomfortably long it’s almost comical. It went on for so long I actually got bored. I’m possibly going to Hell for admitting that. I just sat and watched while sipping my bottle of Whiskey. I think the cops might show up at any moment saying they got a report of a girl drinking whiskey with an afghan blanket around her shoulders watching a brutal rape scene on her computer.

perfect for snuggling up in and watching violent rapes

Ok I’m really getting off the rails here. Where was I? Oh ok the raping is over and one girl got shanked in the gut for trying to run for help. But it was bound to happen because SNITCHES GET STITCHES. The kid they smoked weed with originally is objecting to all of this but since he’s a bitch no one is listening and Non-Brolin gave him that girls necklace. OK WAIT. Non-Brolins character name is KRUG. Jesus Christ. with a name like that how could he not be a murderous rapist? ..or a Caveman. Or a rapist caveman but to be honest,  I think all cavemen were rapists to a certain extent.

I think I know where this is going

Anyways, they shot the remaining chick in the back as she tried to swim to safety and she somehow survived the ordeal without drowning or becoming paralyzed. She is possibly Batman, I will look into this further.

Ok now its back to the parents and they’re all “shit wheres our daughter/our car?” and the evil henchmen got into a car accident and somehow wandered onto their property and now they’re asking if they can spend the night. They have possibly the most awkward small talk ever since the time I yelled at a girl for trying to pass off an urban legend as a real story. YOUR FRIEND DIDNT FIND SEMEN IN HER CHINESE FOOD YOU DUMB BITCH. Woo sorry that was the cinnamon whiskey talking.

Ok so the kid with the “primo weed” is all “fuck the chick we shot totally lives here ahhh I better leave this incriminating evidence that pins her recent disappearance on us” and promptly leaves her necklace as a clue. Her dumb-ass mom finds it and now I assume the killings will start. As a quick side note, I have seen the original of this film and in that one there is an amazing scene where the mom tricks one of her daughters killers into a BJ and she totally bites his dink off. It is hilarious! If you can find the original I highly recommend watching it or at least fast forwarding to that scene. I would imagine it was probably a lot more offensive in the 70’s but they also thought the Brady Bunch was funny so nuts to them. Alright turns out I missed quite a bit by not pausing it as a I went on my dink biting rant.

like this only instead of a delicious twinkie, it was a penis.

Uhh apparently that girl somehow drug her ass home and collapsed on the porch a filthy mess. Ho ho, I have been there sister! Her dad is like “hey instead of calling the cops, lets torture and murder these people to keep the movie going for another 30 minutes” and the wife is all “ok”

So now there is just some killing and no dink biting on the horizon that I can see so I’m pretty disappointed thus far. Uhhh the kid with the primo weed is all “I’ve had enough of your constant killings and rapings Dad! I want to go live with Mom!” good for him, finally sticking up for himself.

Well his Dad just shot him. That panned out well. They are probably the most dysfunctional family I’ve ever seen

......... nevermind

Alright the kid that just got shot is OK! and the family is taking him away on a speedboat (so cool!) along with their dying daughter. THE END. Oh wait there’s a bonus scene. Krug is still alive apparently and the Dad has somehow paralyzed him except for his head and he is putting his head in a microwave and turning it on. Annnndd now Krugs head is exploding. What the fuck? That felt extremely tacked on. Jesus Christ. There is no way that would have ever worked.  They decided to cut out the dink biting scene but added in a bizarre, nonsensical scene of a mans head exploding in a microwave? Worst. Ever. I mean, at least you can believe someone biting a penis off but microwave head exploding? Oh brother!

"the only upside to my head exploding in this microwave is at least I'll leave a popcorn scented corpse"

Ugh. Are you happy? I just got wasted alone and watched one of the shittiest movies ever. I have to go rethink some major life choices I have made. But remember! I still have two other movies that you assholes chose for me to review. Pee Wees big adventure and House of the Dead. Fuck Love you guys!


3 Responses to “Last House on the Left: A drunken review”

  1. 1 just carmen December 30, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Most enjoyable – so I watched a couple movies that received decent reviews by my beloved CBC and I was surprised and exceedingly disappointed to find that I felt they rather sucked, but Bryant reminded me that your comments were favourable to one so…I want you to revisit District 9. Honestly, I found it contrived and I left half way through it (well, we were watching it in my basement and Chris farted so I couldn’t remain). But he said it didn’t resolve…and also, I felt that the basic premis had been done very well by Goldblum in The Fly so it was like watching a train wreck I had already seen. Ho hum. The other movie was Hang Over, dull and annoying. Or, I am simply difficult to please….hmmmn

  2. 2 sniffits December 30, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    I had to sit through this movie sober. GOD DAMN. And I agree, where the fuck was that awesome dick biting scene!? Just a weird rape/revenge movie (as if those aren’t already played out) with a nonsensical ending. At least it’s good for a few laughs?

    Like New Moon and Revenge of the Fallen, amirite?

  3. 3 Justin January 1, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Im flattered that you chose to review this, truly.

    glad you..’enjoyed’ it ? haha

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