Some people are lucky in love (those assholes) and some people aren’t, but we aren’t here to talk about you (see what I did there?) We’re here to talk about those jerks that find love and rub it in everyone elses face. Jerks.
1. Buttercup and Wesley
OH man when I was little all I wanted was a grimy blonde farmboy to call my very own! I love the Princess Bride for two things: a young Fred Savage and to witness the love between these two. They are a great couple because they go through the same trials and tribulations that most modern couple experience, such as dealing with murderous pirates and rejecting sexual advances by a guy named Humperdink.
But seriously, whose heart didn’t melt when Buttercup found out Wesley really meant “I love you” when he said “as you wish” I know my icy heart did. Though Buttercup was a huge bitch to him at first so I would imagine a few of those “as you wish” really meant “get fucked” well that sort of put a damper on things.
Nevertheless! Wesley is a great boyfriend because that motherfucker learned how to become immune to poison, fought gigantic rats AND took on the identity of a murderous pirate all for his lady. Plus when he was the Dread Pirate Roberts he had a sweet black outfit and a stellar moustache
LOOK AT THAT THING. GOD DAMN.
2. C-3Po and R2-D2
These two have everything I aspire to have in a relationship: one part saucy dandy and one part robotic midget with gadgets…or something like that. Anyways, could you imagine their wedding? C-3Po all moving his arms up and down saying “Oh my” alot while R2-D2 whistles and sort of shakes from side to side. hahah oh so much like us!
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “hey jerk, they aren’t even a couple!”
Think back to every scene with these two in it. So loving, am I right? They are a better couple then Han and Leia. They are totally gay for each other, just like how Chewie is gay for Han. And just like how pretty much everyone ever is gay for Han.
But this isn’t about a gushingly handsome smuggler, this is about the beautiful union of two robots. Sure, they’ve had some rough times like when R2 had to go to the swamp with Luke or when C-3PO had to spend the majority of Return of the Jedi in a goddamn backpack strapped to a Wookie, but despite all of that they still find time to enjoy the simple things together. Things like uhh projecting things? and …being..robots? I’m not really sure about the ins and outs of a gay robots relationship. I imagine there is a lot of looking for robot antiques and watching robot the L word.
3. Fry and Leela
While not technically a couple, they damn well should be. It is quite clear that Fry would do anything for her and its also pretty clear that eventually she will just weigh her options, give up and start dating him because it’s easy and he’s there. Just like how the rest of us fell in love. OH COME ON YOU KNOW ITS TRUE.
Fry has done some great things to prove his love, including making a deal with the devil, becoming infected with worms, buying her a bird, and literally moving the stars for her to spell out that he loved her. SO ROMANTIC.
at lease my boyfriend takes out the trash for me?
Apparently they actually do get together at the end of one of those direct to DVD movies they just released but I’m going to be honest with you, they were fucking awful and I never saw the last one. I’m just going to have to take Google image search’s word for it with that one picture they had of them kissing. Oh and don’t ever Google “Fry and Leela” with the safe search off. Yeesh. MY EYES.
So even though I was inadvertently exposed to terrible MS Paint paintings of them doinkin’ they are still one of my favorite couples.
4. Bert and Ernie
God they really live the domestic life don’t they? I would imagine their house is very harmonious, Ernie gets up and irons Berts stripped sweaters while Bert trains his pigeons to drop rose petals on Ernie. They have everything I want in a relationship.
When I was little I thought they slept in the same bedroom because they were brothers but then sometime around the age of 11 I figured out that it was actually because they were fucking on a regular basis.
They are on this list because they have been trailblazers in the right for gay marriage since the 70’s. Back when everything was crazy with the Apollo 13 and the Bellbottoms and what nots, Bert and Ernie stood up and proclaimed “We are here, we’re queer and we love rubber duckies” Their love is so true:
I wish my boyfriend would sing this song to me every night instead of just turning his back and farting. Maybe someday…
5. Jack Nicholson, whores and liquor
Fuck I love this man. He can do no wrong in my eyes. Have you guys seen him lately?
This guy is like 80 years old and he is still partying with random whores in yellow dresses. He is living the life. He smokes like a chimney, gets drunk and does interviews, bangs women half his age and the public still love him. He’s like that one horribly racist Grandpa everyone has that they just sort of roll their eyes at because he lived a hard life and worked hard so it’s OK that he calls every Chinese person he meets “Hong”
Anyways, the more I look the more amazing photos of this man appear. Check this one out:
How the hell did he manage to continue smoking a cigarette out in the middle of the Ocean? How did he get it out there without it getting wet? How did he light it? The answer is simple my friends: Jack Nicholson is the greatest man alive.
And who is it that keeps him so awesome? His lifetime companions: Liquor and whores. It’s the menagie-trois that just seems to work for him. Keep on rockin’ in the free world Jack.