Guess what? everything wants to kill you everywhere you go. It’s sad but, it’s true. The sooner you understand that the sooner you will secretly start resenting your cat now that you know he will eat your eyeballs if you die.
But it’s not just things in your own backyard that would love to see you dead, its animals all over the goddamn place so let’s see what places to avoid and why
1. The Box Jellyfish of Australia
I could have really just made this “Any animal or thing in Australia” because I’m pretty sure 80% of that place is deadly. In fact 1 out of 5 children born in Australia is born on fire. It’s a fact but maybe don’t look too hard into it.
This jellyfish will fuck your shit up. It’s nicknamed the “sea wasp” which is awful because I hate the sea and I hate wasps so right away I don’t have high hopes for me and this jellyfish getting along too well. They are also known as “the sucker punch of the sea” which is something I can get on board with. Haha sucker punch of the sea, oh box jellyfish you so crazy! haha. But seriously, It will Fuck your shit up.
So basically these assholes will sting the shit out of you and you will probably die. They’re pretty much transparent so you don’t notice until its TOO LATE. There are several varieties of box jellyfish but the most fucked up of all has to be this little guy:
This jellyfish, Carukia barnesi, is only the size of a thumbnail, but it is seriously the devil. The sting leads to the usual gambit of symptoms like nausea, vomiting and muscle pain but you can also suffer from something called Irukandji syndrome which gives you a sense of impending doom. I’m serious. It’s been reported people that have been stricken with this have begged doctors to kill them because they are so certain they are going to die.
Are you serious with this Carukia barnesi? Why are you such an asshole? It’s not bad enough you sting the shit out of unsuspecting Australians but you have to give them a total mindfuck on top of it? You are a cruel bastard.
Luckily there has been only 2 reported deaths from that little guy, So we’ll take our chances with big poppa Box Jellyfish that has only been responsible for….5 thousand deaths since the 50’s. FUCK. FUCK YOU OCEAN!
2. The Cape Buffalo of Africa
Fun Fact: when I was little I thought Cape Buffalo actually had capes and I was pretty disappointed when I found out they were basically cows with huge horns. So I already had a bit of a beef with them but then I found out they kill around 400 people A YEAR in Africa which made me throw them off the Christmas card list for good.
These things don’t really look all that deadly what with the constant drooling and staring at nothing for hours but apparently if you piss them off they will knock you on your ass faster than a fat chick falling on you on the dance floor. They are known around Africa as “Black Death” which is horrifying and a great name for my metal band that only sings songs about Buffalo.
Bizarre drawings of medieval teachers having heart attacks aside, These hilarious looking killing machines are no joke. They don’t out-and-out run after humans for no reason, But If you shoot a gun or make an inappropriate joke near one they will straight up murder your ass.
So your best bet here would be to avoid these guys if you were in Africa. But actually, maybe just avoid Africa as a whole. I think that would be best.
3. The Grizzly bear of Canada
Oh bears! whenever I go to the zoo they are the only animals that don’t look like they want to kill themselves, they’re always just hanging out on the grass looking dumb. They are the hungover college students of the nature world.
But unlike hungover college students their deadly arsenal doesn’t solely contain puking in their bed, it also contains a giant ass mouth and gigantic feet that could and likely will rip your goddamn head off.
As a Canadian I actually have seen shit tons of bears but usually they’re just black bears hanging out in trees eating plums. Grizzly’s are horrifying and luckily I haven’t ever seen one. They’re goddamn gigantic and not only can they run surprisingly fast they can also climb trees and swim really well so unless you’re wearing a jet pack when you stumble upon one you are probably going to die a terrible, terrible death.
The main reason most people get eaten by bears is because they think they’re so cute and cuddly and not that harmful, I blame the creation of the Teddy bear and that British bastard Paddington Bear.
Another reason bears are such a problem is because dumbass campers constantly leave out delicious meats and the bears can’t resist (dare I say it?) stealing those pic-a-nic baskets. (comedy gold!)
As terrible as Bears are, they did bring us this youtube video:
ahahah that is never not funny. Oh good god that is comedy! wooo. Where was I? Oh yea, Bears are the devil and they will eat you.
4. This goddamn thing from AUSTRALIA
Goddamn it Australia! what is your problem??
That, my friends, is the deadly cone snail. It will mess up your world. These have actually only killed around 15 people but the fact that it’s a frigging snail makes that very impressive. How embarrassing would that be to explain to James Dean in heaven?
“Oh you died in such a cool, bad ass way! I uhhh…I picked up a snail and I died. I understand if you want to punch me in the gut”
If you pick these things up and hold them for too long they can sting the shit out of you with a weird harpoon thing they have. It can even pierce through gloves and wetsuits so I guess you should just scrap that Kevlar snail handling glove you were trying to patent.
If you get stung by this erotic looking stinger you will suffer from muscle paralysis, swelling, intense pain and it can lead to respiratory failure and then death. But its ok guys! because I’m totally sure there is an antivenom available.
Turns out that’s not true. So if you get stung by one of these you should probably start calling everyone you know and tell them how much you love them or alternatively, telling them what you really hate about them. Either one is bound to leave an impression.
So in conclusion what have we learned here? I learned to never leave my house for fear of basically every creature on Earth. Well that really puts a damper on things. I should probably look into getting a Mumu.