Well Vampires, you had a good run but it turns out Hollywood has tapped you dry of your ghoulish, sexually ambiguous charm. Daybreakers was, without a doubt, the worst vampire movie I have ever seen and I have seen both Twilight 1 and 2.
If you aren’t familiar with the movie it’s about a world full of vampires who harvest humans for their blood and there is a vampire scientist who is trying to find a cure/blood substitute so the human hunting will stop. Sounds pretty alright(ish) but it was seriously just the worst. So where did this movie go wrong? let me count the ways.
1. The main vampires name was Edward
If this movie was made a year ago and Twilight wasn’t all over the fucking place then I could let this slide but I mean, the people involved in this movie had to have known this was going to cause people to at least say “huh?” Even my boyfriend thought it was retarded and until recently he thought Edward Cullens last name was Cuthbert so you can see what I’m working with here.
My point is that already this movie had the feeling that a bunch of film executives got in a room and had a meeting that essentially consisted of:
“you know what the kids love these days? VAMPIRES! what if every single person in a movie was a vampire? ITS MOVIE GOLD!”
Yet they decided to give the main character the exact same name of a vampire in a gigantic franchise. Plus Ethan Hawke is terrible looking these days so there is only room enough in my heart for one undead boyfriend:
But this was only the tip of the shitty iceberg. The worst was yet to come in several goddamn straight up baffling forms.
2. The humans on the run from vampires exclusively did their running away in the night
I know what you’re thinking “hey at least the humans have a solid like 15 hours of daylight to move around or even break into the vampire suburbs and smash all their windows!” But no! the humans in this movie decided to I guess hang out and sleep all day and do all of their top-secret missions in the middle of the fucking night. I’m talking like driving around at night, speaking at full volume at night, and I assume shooting guns and clanging pots just to really hammer the point home to any vampires hanging around that there is a whole shitload of humans hanging out.
FUCK! I seriously hated every single character in this movie and I didn’t learn anyone’s names aside from Edward so I really did not give a fuck about any of the humans. Luckily almost all of them got killed so small victory for me I suppose.
3. When vampires don’t get enough human blood, they turn into weird bats…for some reason.
Now I’ve seen Vampires that sparkle in the sun and I’ve seen vampires that are actually Eddie Murphy in a terrible comedy but I have never seen Vampires that turn into bats as a side effect from not eating blood. I always assumed turning into a sweet bat was an awesome privilege of being a Vampire. Think about it! You want to spy on that hot girl next door? Turn into a bat and hang out in a tree by her window. BOOM problem solved. You want to murder someones dog? Turn into a bat, carry a Jerry can of gas in your claws, dump the gas on the dog and somehow strike a match with your claws…uhh well I guess that last one would be easier if you were a person but you get the point.
These murderous batty things in the movie are called “sub-siders” for some reason and they are really causing havoc what with the breaking into vampires house and scaring them with their gross faces so the pressure is really on to invent a cure or a blood substitute. Plus they are extremely fast and strong which makes no sense because they are the result of a vampire almost starving to death so you would think they would be as threatening as a malnourished baby. Luckily for everyone, Willem Dafoe shows up with a bad ass beard and a cure for Vampirism. Are you ready for it? I don’t think you are because its goddamn ridiculous.
4. The cure for Vampirism is… THE SUN!
I’m not even kidding about this you guys. Willem Dafoe tells Edward a delightful tale of him when he used to be a vampire. It seems he was doing some daytime driving (screens block the windows and they use a video camera to see the road) when he somehow got distracted, drove into a fence, flung out the windshield thus catching on fire from being in the sun and then landed in some water. Upon surfacing he discovered he wasn’t a vampire anymore.
Makes sense right?
..Oh wait a minute NO! it absolutely does not make any sense.
At this point in the movie I was more interested at looking in my box of Reese’s Pieces so you can imagine how goddamn enraged I was once the cure for being a Vampire was revealed to be the fucking sun. I mean, MY GOD, how could anyone think this was a good idea?? I want to go back to sparkly vampires and/or Eddie Murphy vampires.
But believe it or not people, this movie gets somehow even worse. How you ask?
5. WHAT IS THIS? I DON’T EVEN….
Have you ever been watching something and been able to pin point the exact moment the writers completely went hay wire and just said “fuck it!”? I have pretty much made a semi popular internet writing career based on writers having nervous breakdowns and deciding they’re dead inside but I must say Daybreakers really takes the cake on this one.
So here we are with a cure for Vampirism so Ethan Hawke and his friends try to convince the evil head vampire guy that it’s a good thing and he’s all “get fucked! I love being a vampire you boners!” But I guess Ethan Hawke discovered that if a newly turned into human gets bitten by a vampire, then the vampire turns human. I am not making that up.
So this leads to by far the most insane, retarded scene in film history and I’m counting What’s eating Gilbert Grape which had a goddamn actual retard in every scene.
Ethan Hawkes newly human brother gets eaten by a bunch of vampire soldiers. Other vampire soldiers witness this, but don’t get a chance to eat him because there are so many people eating him already. These first vampires that are chomping on him quickly turn into humans. The other vampires HAVING JUST WITNESSED VAMPIRES TURNING INTO HUMANS FROM EATING ANOTHER VAMPIRE DECIDE TO EAT THESE SOLDIERS THUS TURNING TO HUMANS THEMSELVES. This goes on for like 2 more rounds until there are only 3 vampires turned humans alive and they are all confused as to what happened. ARE YOU SERIOUS???
That’s like you witnessing your friend eat a hamburger, then watching them become violently ill from it, then eating that burger and becoming violently ill yourself and not knowing why. MY GOD.
So after I must have blacked out or something because before I knew it Ethan Hawke and his merry band of idiots are driving off into the sunrise with a voiceover saying “we have a cure if you want it” Wow good ending guys. So they really didn’t solve anything because all around the world vampires are still starving and turning into ugly batpeople. FUCK. OH my god I’m getting so enraged just thinking about it again. I’ve got to go blow off some steam, time to get my Jerry can and set some dogs on fire.