The world is a terrible terrible place. If it isn’t crazy ass lobsters out to get you or a Cape Buffalo trying to gore you, then its the Earth itself being a huge creeper. So lets check out some crazy as all hell places!
1. The door to Hell in Uzbekistan
What you are looking at is not Mordor or the Hellpit underneath Sunnydale, It is a gigantic crater that has been burning for the past 35 years. (hey Al Gore maybe do something about this instead of making me feel guilty for getting a plastic bag at the grocery store)
During the time of the Soviet Union (here we go) some Soviet minors decided to drill the shit out of this area until a gas buildup stopped any further work. Using their Soviet smarts, they decided to light the whole goddamn thing on fire and come back when all the gases were burned off. What a bunch of assholes.
So instead of that working out, it ended up causing a huge fireball which formed a 100 feet wide crater and engulfed all of their equipment and camps. I’m guessing around this time they said “fuck it!” and went home to get messed up on Vodka and hit their wives.
Here we are 35 years later and this shit is still burning and I assume evidence is routinely destroyed in it. The tourism department should probably look into changing the name from “The door to Hell” to something a bit less terrifying. Just an idea.
2. The Aokigahara forest in Japan
Looks pretty nice hey? Well guess again asshole. This forest is also dubbed “The suicide forest” for well, obvious reasons. Every year dozens of people travel here specifically to off themselves. The forest was featured in a famous Japanese novel where the two main characters decide to commit suicide a la Romeo and Juliet and they just happen to choose this place as their (dare I say it?) Final Destination. (I’m a hack) But seriously, this places is right out of Silent Hill. Give me some health drinks, a handgun and a lead pipe and I might consider visiting.
People do sweeps of the place every so often for bodies and the police have even put up signs begging people to reconsider. Some signs say “think of your family” and others say “life is a beautiful thing to have, please reconsider!”
Yet despite hilarious 80’s references, people still kill themselves here every year. So wow uhh sorry to depress you guys! Um would it help if I told you that around 500 people have died there since the 50’s and looters often head there hoping to steal some dead guys wallet? Oh. uh. Yea I guess that wouldn’t really help cheer you up would it. I blew it. Well I promise you the next place I talk about doesn’t have dead people involved….
3. Snake Island in Brazil
….Just snakes. Thousands, and thousands of snakes. This was actually brought to my attention by one of you guys (http://sniffits.wordpress.com/) and I must say it looks just horrible. Basically what you have here is your run of the mill Island populated pretty much solely by snakes.
The Discovery Channel did a documentary on it and they said there is on average 1 snake per 1 square metre. And they’re not the channel with all the shows about midgets doing things so you know it’s legit. People that have visited the Island have also said they see a snake around every 10 minutes. So this is pretty much Indiana Jones’ worst nightmare.
But it’s not enough to just have an entire Island filled with these legless jerkoffs, Ohhh noo God had to go ahead and throw in a crazy as all hell viper that will mess your shit up. It’s called the fer-de-lance which I believe is french for “dickhead” because if this thing bites you its venom can cause your flesh to just sort of rot off. oh! and plus the venom has an anti-coagulant so on top of your fingers falling off you will probably bleed to death too. Thanks alot fer-de-lance!
Luckily this places is an Island and as far as I know snakes don’t know how to construct and then properly pilot either a boat or a plane so I think we’re in the clear.
4. The Winchester mystery house
The name Winchester is not just good for producing sweet guns and handsome men anymore. It’s now a triple threat because Its also responsible for this spooky as shit house we’re about to talk about.
It used to belong to Sarah Winchester, the widow of the second president of the Winchester Arms company. After her only daughter and husband died she went loco and a total dick of a physic told her the Winchester family was cursed by the spirits of all those people who died from being shot by a one of their guns. She had the choice of either building a house for the spirits to live in or do a 5 season stint on the WB. She chose the former.
Construction began and never stopped so there are stairways that go into walls and doors that open up to nothing, basically its an M.C Escher painting. but haunted. This was all done in order to somehow confuse the ghosts even though those bitches can totally go through walls. But I mean, there’s really no way this house couldn’t be haunted. Did you see that sepia toned photo?
This house is seriously massive. It has 160 rooms, 2 goddamn BALLROOMS and 3 frigging elevators. It makes the Beasts huge ass castle look like a shack. But seriously, check out these pictures of this place
Think of all the ways Macaulay Culkin could fuck with robbers in that house! OH my god it would be amazing!
You can actually go visit this place, It’s in Southern California…so are you guys thinking what I’m thinking???? ROADTRIP! I’ll bring my first ever burnt CD from 1998 (spoiler alert- it contains a lot of Backstreet Boys)
5. Lake Nyos in Cameroon
Doesn’t look too messed up right? Well sucker, you are wrong yet again. This lake has straight up murdered people. The story is a pocket of magma is hanging out under the lake and it releases carbon dioxide into the water. Pretty weird right? well in ’86 the lake suddenly emitted a huge cloud of carbon dioxide and quickly suffocated 1700 people and around 3000 animals. Did I mention the locals call it “The lake that kills” ?
People couldn’t even live around the area because everything is so messed up from the gassy lake, but recently efforts have been made to get people back in the surrounding areas. So I guess things will really work out for them in the end!
Oh wait, it turns out the natural wall of the lake is extremely close to breaking and if this happens it will flood everything within range with its smelly fart water. Fuck.
Well looks like everyone there should probably take a little jaunt over to Japan and see a wonderful forest I know of.