Hello my loves! I didn’t forget about my promise to drunkenly review the three worst movies you could imagine for me. (assholes) I already got Last house on the left in the can, so we’re going to move right along to the next piece of cinematic trash: House of the Dead
If that Trailer alone didn’t prove to you how goddamn awful this movie is going to be, maybe this will put it in perspective: the Director, Uwe Boll, often challenges critics of his films to boxing matches and there is an online petition urging him to stop making films. I’m not making either of those up.
So are his movies really all that bad? Yes. YES THEY ARE. This movie got a 4% on rottentomatoes.com. FOUR PERCENT. I’m pretty sure Hitler has more fans than this guy. I’m hoping he doesn’t read this and try to punch me to death so if I don’t update for a while then I’m probably lying dead in a boxing ring somewhere. But enough formalities, let’s get to the meat of this thing. The rotten, rotten meat. You know the drill: I drink, watch and write and spellcheck fixes all of my drunken errors. I love you spellcheck.
The plot of house of the dead is as follows:
“This film is a prequel to all the The House of the Dead video games. Set on an island off the coast, a techno rave party attracts a diverse group of college coeds and a Coast Guard officer. Soon, they discover that their X-laced escapades are to be interrupted by zombies and monsters that attack them on the ground, from the air, and in the sea, ruled by an evil entity in the House of the Dead”
Ugh. So we’ve got Ravers, Zombies and Techno music. Hurrah. Let’s get this going I suppose. God I hate you guys for making me do this.
A totally unlikable group of assholes are heading to an Island off of Seattle called Isle de le Morte (Island of Death) First of all, could this movie being any more hacky? Second of all, what the fuck is an Island with a Spanish name doing next to Seattle. ARGGHHH
They’re heading to this amazingly safe sounding Island and an ominous voice over tells us that if they never went to the Island rave, they would still be alive today. Cool thanks for letting us know every single character you just introduced us to will be dying in the next 90 minutes. I was already rooting for their savage deaths so this is actually good news for me.
OH FUCK ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS HOUSE OF THE DEAD??? They just introduced a comic relief fisherman with a goddamn hook for a hand. Is this for real? Oh and if that wasn’t enough to make you want to just stop watching altogether, the fisherman is played by this man:
That’s right. It’s Ron Howard’s somehow even worse looking brother Clint Howard. This guy is in so many movies as either a bumbling sidekick or a creepy as all hell dude. Jesus Christ I need a drink bottle. So anyways, Clint and his for some reason Russian boat captain are all “we aren’t taking you to the Island it’s haunted!” but then after a sweet bribe, they decide to anyways. Oh shit you guys! I actually found a clip of it so you can understand a little bit of the pain I’m feeling right now.
THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY? I’M GOING TO DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH BECAUSE OF THIS.
Meanwhile on the S.S Asshole, Clint Howard is trying to give one of the whores (who is making soup topless I might add) a medallion to keep her and her friends safe. He makes no mention of her topless cooking antics. I feel like this is a David Lynch movie gone horribly awry. I also am going to mention that at random intervals during this movie it cuts to clips of the game this movie is based on. It’s really quite bizarre. There isn’t any voice over to explain what’s happening, it’s just boom! here’s a clip of a video game from 1995.
After arriving at the Rave they find out that everyone is missing, all the shit is torn down and there’s no music. Only one of them finds this to be suspicious and the rest of them start drinking. I know this is a dumb horror movie but I mean, Jesus Christ, at least give the characters some sort of common sense.
But they make the best of things. Most of them head off to the woods to drink and two of them decide to bang in a tent while shitty techno music plays in the background. I’m only 30 minutes into this thing and I’ve had to stop several times just to get ahold of myself. How did someone look at this final product and think this was a good idea. I would imagine that movie screenings of this ended like the 92 L.A. riots: everyone rushing into the streets ready to destroy anything, setting fires and chanting WHY WAS CLINT HOWARD IN THIS over and over while the police try in vain to hold things together. Ahh the cinema, so magical.
Well I really have to speed this along for my sanity’s sake. I’m actually leaving quite a bit out because to be honest, I just don’t give a shit. Three of the original Five assholes stumbled upon a cemetery and they’re all “WHAT IS IT??” Fuck I hate my life right now. Uh they just met some survivors of the original rave massacre and one of them is an Asian woman in an American flag sort of jumpsuit. It’s really quite remarkable.
Alright, I didn’t pause the movie while I googled for that picture but I’m pretty sure I can piece together whats going on – somehow . Oh and I can’t remember if I mentioned this or not, but through almost all the scenes there is shitty techno music playing. I’m really pissed at you guys.
So to catch you up to speed the Zombies are now just randomly killing everyone and in an especially ludicrous scene a zombie holds a girl’s head underwater and tries to drown her. Since when do Zombies do shit like this? I thought the whole concept behind a Zombie was it’s just a primal animal that only wants to hunt and eat. There is nothing in the rule book that says they can vindictively murder people. I’m surprised they didn’t throw in a scene of a Zombie smothering someone with a pillow.
The Russian boat captain who is still alive for some reason explains that some Spanish guy named Castillo was on a boat back in the day being sent to some prison or some shit and murdered everyone on board and decided to hang out on the Island and murder/perform experiments on the locals. Why on Earth a Spanish prisoner would be sent to an Island near Seattle is beyond me but to be honest I just don’t care anymore and I am extremely jealous of Helen Keller right now.
The remaining survivors venture into the woods and find a house that they decide to hang out in. Could this be the titular House of the Dead? Of course it is you idiot. FIFTY GODDAMN MINUTES IN AND THEY’RE FINALLY AT A HOUSE. So they find guns somehow and decide to fight back against the hordes of the undead.
I am about to show you a clip of the scene I just watched and you need to watch it to fully understand just how much pain I’m in. You don’t even have to watch the whole thing, just watch the first two minutes of it and you will have the sudden urge to just lay down on the street and die.
What you just saw was real and was actually put in a feature film that was shown in theaters around the world. It’s ok to cry.
After that cinematic masterpiece and another scene I missed because I went to the kitchen to get pizza, there is only 2 survivors and they discover that the Spanish guy made a wacky serum that keeps him alive forever but he still looks like a hideous ghoul. I could make so many jokes about Joan Rivers right now but that sort of obvious humor is so far below me.
Castillo is gross as all hell and decides that he wants to take their skin so he can, I assume, go to Seattle and catch a Mariners game. They escape by throwing a grenade that came out of nowhere, thus blowing any semblance of interest the viewer had left as well as their entire budget. The girl got stabbed and died in the process and the dude is pretty bummed about it. All of a sudden a helicopter shows up and saves them and the girls alive again, leading the viewer to believe he gave her the serum even though the entire house was blown up moments before and I assume that’s where Castillo kept his eternal life serum.
The voiceover declares “Is this the end? Or only the beginning?” I pray to god it’s the end because it’s not like they would make a sequel after this goddamn mess.
In conclusion this was hands down the worst movie I’ve ever seen and I really feel bad for my sober self who will have to go over this tomorrow and fix the blatant errors and portions where I just wrote FUCKFUCKFUCK over and over again. I also think I suffered a minor stroke during this so I should probably get that checked out. Oh and here’s that online petition to get Uwe Boll to stop making movies: http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html
Oh and Uwe Boll if you’re reading this, please don’t come to my house and punch me in the throat. Thanks in advance.