We all have those relatives. They’re loud, annoying, crazy, possibly drunks and generally avoided at all costs. Well I also have a relative like this except she is actually legit crazy.
This visit took place around 2 years ago and I have told numerous stories involving it, but until now I haven’t had a captive audience or a blog so I hope you enjoy the torment I suffered. The relative in question is a cousin of my Moms who I hope and pray isn’t actually blood related to us but unfortunately I think she is. Our family hadn’t had much contact with her other then the odd letter and phone call but out of the blue she decided she wanted to come and stay with us. My parents are the kind of people that love having guests and there’s always something fun going on at their house so they were full steam ahead on this visit. Little did we know the weekend was going to be a descent into madness.
She arrived on a Friday morning and I, having gotten blasted drunk at the casino the night before with an out of town friend, didn’t get up until like 10 or 11 to meet her. Instantly she started harassing me about how she was family and it was more important to spend time with her then with my friends. I shot my parents a look and they gave me one back, a look that pleaded “please…don’t say anything” And I held my tongue. (there was going to be a lot of tongue holding that weekend but not at all in the sexy way)
She had gifts! oh the gifts! Something for everyone in the family. She gave me a bottle of perfume that her dead aunt used to wear which she apparently thought was an appropriate gift for a 22 year old girl. She also gave me a ring which was blessed by a shaman(!!!!)
She brought my mother perfume as well, perfume that her dead mother used to wear, saying “the scent of it will make her memory come alive within you” I’m not entirely sure if my mom ever met her mother, let alone wanted to stink like her.
Perfume seems like a very intimate gift that you could only properly buy for someone if you know them and what they like so I was all “say whaattt?” about this whole exchange. It was really old lady style perfume too, so I was extra pissed that a opportunity for a good present like a pet hedgehog or guess who, had passed me by.
She brought my Dad a little wooden box with a wolf on it, I assume she thought he would keep his weed in it, because really what else do you do with a tiny box with a wolf on it. Little did I know that my brother was about to receive the greatest gift of all: A Sausage.
Yes. She purchased a sausage and lugged it all the way from where ever the hell she was from to give to my brother. I was pretty jealous to be honest because at least he could eat his. Although later I would hurl the bottle of perfume I got out a car window, which was pretty fun I must admit.
So after this bizarre exchange she wanted to know everything about us. You know when you meet people for the first time there is a list of questions that are socially acceptable to ask? things like where do you work, do you go to school, what sort of music do you like, etcetera. Apparently Crazy Cousin (or CC as I will refer to her) is unaware of this because the first question she decides to throw our way is this:
“If you could be any animal, what would it be?”
I immediately shout out Otter because they are the tricksters of the sea and I also like balancing food on my tummy. My brother goes with a penguin because he likes that they are always dressed for a formal occasion. CC stares blankly at us because apparently we didn’t take this question seriously enough. She tells us that she thought long and hard about this question for SEVERAL YEARS before she came up with an answer which eventually came to her “on a crowded city bus, where I was overcome with an animalistic urge to run and be in the forest.” It was then she discovered she wanted to be a deer.
This is, oh, probably hour 7 of her visit.
Then shit gets real.
What I am about to tell you actually happened to me. This conversation took place between myself and a full-grown woman who I had only known for half a day. I’m going to code this in case a more sensitive crowd is reading this and because secret codes are fucking cool.
While waiting for my boyfriend to come over and rescue me from the worst second-hand embarrassment I have ever had, she corners me and tells me a story about how her old boyfriend put his P in her A and then in her V and she got an infection because of it and had to have her ovaries removed. Yes people, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED. Now, normally I would think an awkward conversation of this caliber would be goddamn hilarious, but not this time. Mainly because I was on the receiving end of it. I have literally not had a more awkward event happen to me in the 2 years that have passed since this occurred, and last week I took my nephew to swimming lessons and read Lolita while waiting for him to be done with all the other parents, and didn’t put two and two together until about 20 minutes had gone by, so you can see that horrible awkward things happen to me on a regular basis.
What were her motives for telling me this? It started out with her telling me that raspberry tea is good for stomach cramps. Stomach cramps caused by a vicious sexual romp.
When Matt arrived he could clearly tell something was wrong because the whole family looked like they wanted to die and there was a crazy lady wearing several beaded necklaces standing there grinning like a moron. She immediately approached him and started telling him about how she is a spiritual cook or some shit and tried to give him a business card. He tried to be nice but we left as soon as we could, later when I got home she took me aside and told me that the birthmark my boyfriend has on his arm (it’s one of those red ones that people get on their faces sometimes) was the mark of a warrior and that he must have been a warrior in a previous lifetime. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. THIS ALL HAPPENED.
I am normally a pretty huge jackass and I love to make fun of people like this but because she was in our house and a guest I didn’t want to be a dick to her because I didn’t want my mom to be upset with me and my bad manners (ain’t I sweet?) So I just did what any good Irish girl confronted with something ridiculous does: I bit my tongue and started drinking heavily.
I had a great whiskey induced sleep that night and I was ready to face C.C. once again. As soon as I walked up the stairs my Mom pulled me aside to tell me that either during the night or sometime early in the morning C.C. had rearranged all my mothers cookbooks, pots and pans in the drawers, and the entire closest of the room she was staying in. She was like that shoe making elf but instead of helping you out of a shoe related bind, she just makes you fear for your well being.
The rest of the time she was there pretty much went like this: two family members entertaining her while two family members laughed about her in another room. I really feel like her visit brought us closer as a family.
The last night of her visit she asked me to read a book with her about water. Now, I am going to try my best to explain the premise of this book to you: It was a study about how if you tape a piece of paper with a specific word to a glass of water with the word facing toward the glass and freeze it, then the frozen water will look different depending on what the word was. So if you wrote HATE, it would look different then if you wrote, say LOVE or OBVIOUS MENTAL DISORDER. I was expected to actually look at this book with her and take it 100% seriously. This was obviously extremely difficult for me to do without laughing but my soul must have left my body or something because the next thing I knew I was watching XFiles with a glass of vodka in my hand. I found a link to a site selling a book about this shit so take a look or maybe buy it for someone you hate: http://www.wellnessgoods.com/MESSAGES.ASP
YOU SEE WHAT I HAD TO PUT UP WITH?? I have never in my life had more witty comments to make with no one to make them to, it was like my version of hell.
Finally, it was time for her to say goodbye and to be honest I was a little sad because I wanted more hilarious stories to share with my friends, but I took a little solace in knowing the buttsex story alone could be used for several years after the fact. As she left the driveway I was left wondering: what would be next for C.C.? Making it big in the frozen water talking to you industry? Being institutionalized? Never ever coming back to visit us again? Only one of the three came true and unfortunately it wasn’t the middle one.
Several months went by without word from C.C. but then an E-mail arrived from her in a panic about how she couldn’t find a special jar of Japanese Algae or something equally as retarded and thought she left it at our house. My Mom had actually found the jar a few weeks prior and did what any sensible woman would do: she showed it to everyone, we had a good laugh and she threw it away. This did not sit well with C.C. and she told my mom that she was a terrible, selfish person and she didn’t want anything to do with her anymore.
And that suited everyone fine, just fine.