Competitive eating: How have I not gone off on this sooner?

There are several sports that are competitive: soccer, baseball, eating, hockey, the list really goes on and on. But I’m here to mock and judge only one on that list and no it isn’t baseball…this time. It’s Competitive eating folks and prepare to be on the verge of barfing for most of this article!

The fact that I haven’t gone off on this sooner is really upsetting and I feel like I really let myself down. All these nights spent tossing and turning, thinking “what will I judge on the Internet next??” when it was always there, with bits of hotdog stuck to it, staring me in the face. Competitive eating, much like every segment aired on Fox News, seems like it was created exclusively for people to make fun of and the only people who aren’t in on the joke are the people directly involved in it. I’m also assuming that people who enjoy competitive eating also legitimately enjoy Fox News.

THIS JUST IN: ABORTIONS FUND TERRORISM

But we’re not here to talk about the greatest news casting since my Elementary School announcements, We’re here to talk about people shoving disgusting amounts of food in their faces for money and fame. People straight up hate America and I’m pretty sure this has a lot to do with it.

I’m sure competitive eating had its humble beginnings when extremely drunk people bet each other they could eat more hotdogs than the other one, but it has far surpassed that and now there is actually a competitive eating league. I can’t decide whether or not this league is doing more harm to society than the various leagues of super villains that have been plaguing super heroes since the 50’s, but last time I checked looking at Dr.Doom for 15 seconds doesn’t make me want to vomit unlike this sassy character:

I used to love corn and beards. Not anymore.

Blechh. After you guys finish reading this you should probably mosey on over to the competitive eating leagues official website. The best part is when they talk about the safety involved yet make no mention to the harm being done to both the competitors inner soul and I assume, stomach lining. How is this an actual accepted thing? I’m really just pissed that we can still have eating competitions but traveling sideshows got shut down because they were inhumane. Inhumane my ass, I WANT MY MONKEY MAN.

oh yes....that's the stuff.

Clearly I love laughing at people as much as the next guy but at a certain point we need to think about how we want to be remembered in the history books. Do we want to be remembered for endless news segments on obesity shot from the neck down? Personally, I do not. Competitive eating is really just the tip of the iceburg, the fat, fat iceburg. The sooner we shun activity like this the sooner we wont have schools filled with Augutus Gloops.

Augustus in his natural enviroment, enjoying grazing before the camera startled him. Copyright National Geographic

So how much money does a competitor rake in at one of these events? Looking at the website the highest amount to win is 10 grand. And that’s for eating a shitload of corned beef. Other sweet things you can cram down your cramhole include Asparagus, Corn, Catfish and Grits. I don’t know what the fuck a Grit is and I don’t think I want to know. The thing I have the most problem with is that this in no way is an actual sport and it bothers me that people are being cheered on and awarded money for being able to eat more than should be humanly possible. At least with a sport like soccer, you can train your body by running, and different foot and kicking exercises, with hockey you do shooting drills and skating drills. With the big Catfish eating competition looming ahead I assume you can train by eating smaller catfish and cutting ties with everyone you know so they can be spared the shame of knowing a competitive catfish eater.

also, apparently these are what grits are? I assumed there would be a deep fried shell on something called grits. who knew

Anyways, let’s try and watch some videos without barfing.

you know what was the most disturbing about that video besides the obvious visual of two men shoving weiners down their throat? The fact that it was televised on ESPN. Did you hear the announcers? they’re talking about strategy in a sport that requires nothing more from its competitors then the ability to eat. If you tell someone you won a trophy for a dirtbiking competition they will probably be pretty stoked for you, if you tell the same person you won a trophy for eating the most crayfish, they will probably spit in your eye. We should not be celebrating this people, if anything we should be booing them until our throats bleed. Also, If they’re going to start televising “sports” like this then they should probably start televising Monopoly tournaments because that shit can get intense sometimes.(EVERYONE READING THIS: I KNOW YOU STEAL WHEN YOU’RE THE BANKER )

see how much more civil this is? MOTHERFUCKER HAS A TOPHAT

The most upsetting thing about this, jokes aside, is the simple fact that there are probably hundreds of people a day that die of starvation while some jackass shoves peach pie down his throat by the fistfuls. I’m not saying that giving starving people crates of hotdogs is the answer but could we at least have a little bit of dignity and show a little bit of restraint?

I guess not.

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1 Response to “Competitive eating: How have I not gone off on this sooner?”


  1. 1 just carmen February 18, 2010 at 3:01 am

    Well, I didn’t think words could describe eating competitions adequately, but I was wrong! Thanks, Rigs.


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