Some of you may be aware of Oprah and her asinine list of favorite things that are going to be HOT HOT HOT that year. Well guess what Oprah? Two can play at that game and I also have lists of asinine things that I enjoy and I will force people to read that list and then enjoy those activities. Next stop is picking books to tell people to read and having a magazine that features my face on the cover every month (Oprah you little shit) so here it is guys, some of my favorite things that I feel you should all love and embrace. SPOILER ALERT: They are better than Oprahs
1. Outdated slang from the 30’s-60’s
I am sick to death of our current slang, we need to mix it up a bit people. Slang needs to go back to a simpler time, sometime between the 30’s and the 60’s where you could hit your wife without people asking too many questions, and men wore hats everywhere and women drank in secret. Ahhh those were the days. The following is a list of slang terms I’m going to try and bring back
- Cruisin’ for a bruisin’
as in: “My wife was cruisin’ for a bruisin’ because she didn’t have a delicious roast on the table when I got home”
- Rube (my personal favorite of the list)
-an unsophisticated or unintelligent person, naive, Cletus the slack jawed yokel
-a villain, someone without honor, pretty much any pirate ever
- The Fuzz
-The Po-Po, the 5-0, the cops.
- Dame, Broad
–I have personally never stopped calling women broads, I am a terrible feminist. Dame seems like a nicer version of Broad, like when you call a slut a skank…or wait…what?
All of these are just spectacular and I think we need to bring them all back because I am sick to death of using the phrases “radical” and “tubular” those are popular right?
2. Spending times with goats
I feel this one really explains itself. Goats are goddamn cool you guys, think about it. They have crazy rectangle pupils, they eat tin cans all the time, they make weird noises, their ears are hilarious, their cheese is the reason Greek salad is so good, they sometimes chase you for no reason, they have beards, they are borderline retarded. The list goes on.
Goats are spectacular and I love them. I was originally going to make it “spend more time with goats” but then I reasoned that not many of us spend any time at all with goats so we need to fix this. Plus, take a look at these precious gifts from god:
God really fucked those goats over hey? what a jerk. What kind of a defensive mechanism is falling over? Although my defense mechanism is pretty much just screaming and flailing my arms at whatever scared me, so I probably shouldn’t talk. Maybe that’s why I’m so interested in the plight of the goat, they are often forgot about and pushed to the side for more interesting farm animals like Horses (big assholes) Ponies (little assholes) and Turkeys (delicious assholes) But I think if we all focus a little bit more love and attention on goats, we can make them the hottest pet since droop eye hilton made chihuahuas popular
God do I love sandwiches. I could eat sandwiches for the rest of my life and be totally fine with it. I think sandwiches are extremely underrated and I’ve been meaning to print that on a shirt but I keep get sidetracked (probably by delicious sandwiches)
Sandwiches are universal, you could go anywhere and strike up a conversation by talking about how great sandwiches are and you could make a friend instantly. These are the kind of things I use as icebreakers at parties you guys, and you can totally steal it for your next social encounter.(another good one is that Michael Jackson composed the music for Sonic the hedgehog 3, it’s true!) As you can guess, I am extremely popular at events and people don’t find me nerdy or offputting at all.
But back on track: Sandwiches are great. Mainly because you can add so many things to it, you want steak? we have that. You want cucumbers and mayonnaise? we have that. You want peanut butter and mustard? You’re disgusting but we have that!
Like I said earlier, sandwiches are the great equalizer. My brother has a theory that you can bridge any social or cultural gap by talking about how much you hate diarrhea, because everyone everywhere must hate it. I have my own theory and that is that everyone everywhere loves sandwiches….except if it happens to give you diarrhea I guess.
4.Hating Nicolas Cage
My god do I ever love hating Nicolas Cage. I have mentioned this several times before and I’m pretty sure everyone who knows me personally understands my deep, irrational hatred for this man. I didn’t use to hate him, in fact you could say I even liked Nicolas Cage circa 1995. But then something happened: he became unbearable. I think I’ve pinpointed the exact moment I started having an all consuming, seething rage towards him:
This was the beginning of the end for me, I borderline accepted The Rock but mainly because it had Sean Connery in it and I’m pretty sure I read an Archie comic through most of it. Con Air was the start of the slippery shit slope that Nicolas Cage has put us through these oh so many years. After that it was Face/Off, Snake Eyes, and the lesser known sequel Face/Off 2: Face/On. I seriously cannot stand this asshole and I hate him even more now that people call him Nic Cage. Oooh I’m sorry, was Nicolas not good enough for you NIC? FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU.
But he won my heart over briefly for his unintentional comedy, The Wickerman. I really hope this was some sort of social experiment and he didn’t legitmately think he was doing a good job because, my god.
I feel like he was reading the script and was sort of on the fence about it but then when it got to the part that said the character hits a woman in the face while wearing a bear suit he was all I’M IN. But even that wasn’t enough to cool the fire I have had brewing for this awful, awful man for so long. I don’t really have a good reason for hating him, it’s not like he “accidentally” shot his wife (Charlie Sheen I’m looking in your direction) or pointlessly killed thousands of people ( Hitler I’m looking in your direction) so what is it about him that I hate so much? I think it’s a combo of the fact that he plays the same character in every single movie and that I just really, really hate his face. I just want to kick his teeth in.
So there we have it! I think I compiled a much better list than Oprah ever could because mine didn’t include stupid ideas like “Loving yourself” and “Kitchen-Aid Milkshake makers” Plus, mine had goats.