Hey Westboro Baptist Church, why are you guys such assholes?

Some of you might not be familiar with this church so let me lay it down for you: They are an insane family who preach the bible to people, but TO THE EXTREME. If you have ever seen a picture on the internet of someone holding a “I hate fags” or “fags burn in hell sign” it is either a member of the WBC, or a British guy who really hates cigarettes. They picket literally everything they can and routinely yell at people on street corners that they will burn in hell. To put it in perspective this church isn’t allowed to come to any part of Canada.Ever. They are completely banned from Canada because the government thinks they are a hate group and they are afraid Canadian citizens will straight up murder their asses.

pictured: two stone cold killers...and their yaks.

This family hates gay people to the point where it goes from rage inducing to just sad and awkward. They also love picketing dead soldiers funerals since they think God killed them because at some point in their life they must have given the thumbs up to a lesbian couple or something. In other words: If you are gay, if you don’t care either way about gay people, or if you are accepting of gay people, the WBC wants you to die  and go straight to hell. They have a name for people that accept gay people, and no it isn’t “rational thinkers” its “FAG ENABLER” I personally, am in love with this term. Maybe because it sounds to me like a good thing and also it sounds like something you could find in the phonebook next to plumbers and electricians.

“My fag won’t set up properly…I should call an enabler, he’ll get my fag router all fixed up”

"Well here's your problem, your Fabulous! fan has burnt out and air can't circulate fabulously anymore"

But all jokes aside, these people are truly despicable and I have such an unbridled rage towards them that I have to make jokes in order to not punch my computer screen repeatedly while frothing at the mouth. At what point do you wake up and tell yourself, you know what I hate? LITERALLY EVERYONE. I joke about hating lots of people (cough, Nicolas Cage, cough) but if it’s one thing I love it’s the rights for everyone everywhere to fall in love with whoever they want so I find it truly awful that these people are so hatefilled towards a group of people who just want to live and love like the rest of us (Giller award please) I’m not really familiar with the bible since pretty much everything I know about it I learned from the movie Seven and a design-a-mug: bible edition my friend bought for me as a joke, but I think I’m correct in thinking that  God frowns upon people being total hatefilled dickheads.

SPOILER ALERT: I put booze in mine

There’s actually an amazing documentary on youtube about this family and I haven’t seen something that made me alternate between laughing and crying this much since The Police Academy movie where they go to Russia.

That documentary is seriously worth a watch, if only for the unintentional laughs.

unlike this, which was a solemn event all the way through

But it’s not just Gay people this church hates, they also hate pretty much everyone else. Chances are they probably hate you. I know they hate me because I have no problem with gay and lesbians and I once had a sex dream about Barack Obama, so I’m pretty much destined to head to the worst layer of hell. The best part of this church is their signs, oh god the signs. Some of them are so bizarre they are hilarious. There’s the run of the mill “God hates fags” but there’s also some other fantastic offerings like:

  • Liz Taylor: Fag Lover (my personal favorite)
  • You will eat your babies
  • Bitch Burger (Wha??)
  • Barack will eat your babies
  • God REALLY hates Italy
  • God hates your tears (this one seems less hateful and more about how God doesn’t want you to be sad)
  • Fags eat poop (this one has a little cartoon poo at the bottom with stink lines so kudos for the artistic effort)

whoa, huge slam on Obama's grandma out of nowhere! Jeez you guys

As you can tell, This church gives me enough material to make fun of them for months, if not years. This whole situation totally blows my mind and I really hope God is up there freaking out that they’re bringing his name into all of their insane ramblings. The WBC have some pretty amazing websites you guys can check out too! http://www.godhatesfags.com there’s also http://www.godhatescanada.com and http://www.godhatestheworld.com which suspiciously leaves out New Zealand, so I guess they’re huge Lord of the Rings fans. Oh wait, Merry and Pippin were sort of gay together so scratch that.

But it’s not just Countries they hate! They also hate a wide variety of things:

  • Lady Gaga
  • Twitter
  • The Academy Awards
  • Michael Jackson
  • Italians (probably because of Jersey Shore)
  • Anyone who isn’t Christian (obviously)
  • The Pope
  • Isaac Hayes
  • New York City
  • Heath Ledger
  • Ireland (YOU SONS OF BITCHES I WILL CAR BOMB YOU)

So as you can see their hate varies from major religions to social networking tools. I’m pretty sure even Hitler hated less things then these turds. They also hate cultural arts, more specifically “Fag Plays” so hopefully this doesn’t escalate to them picketing children’s Christmas pageants

GOD HATES POORLY ACTED THREE WISEMEN

People like this baffle me because I can’t understand basing your entire life around hating pretty much everyone and being excited that you’re going to heaven and they aren’t.

I really dislike a lot of people but I can’t say that I would be happy to know they’re going to go to hell. It sucks really bad there, there’s the tattered rags and constant wailing and burning so no, I don’t really want anyone to go there. Except for maybe every single person in the Westboro Baptist Church. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? They’re all burning in hell while George Takei and his husband blow them kisses from heaven and Barack Obama’s grandma laughs at them and high fives Jesus. Oh man I’m excited for Heaven! it’s going to be kick ass.

word.

But honestly, these people are disgusting and I actually thought about whether or not to write about them but I decided in the end we should all probably just mock and boo these jerkoffs because in the end we are all much, much better than them and I’m pretty sure God thinks so too. Also, we are all much better looking than them in their dumpy outfits. Yea, I said it.

ALONG WITH POORLY ACTED WISEMEN, GOD ALSO HATES ILL FITTING PEACH SHORTS THAT WERE MOST LIKELY PURCHASED AT COSTCO

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12 Responses to “Hey Westboro Baptist Church, why are you guys such assholes?”


  1. 1 Ashli March 11, 2010 at 7:30 am

    Ugh, I watched that special on them. I went from enraged to just feeling sorry for the dumb kids that are being raised into their hate.
    And the Canadian government is right, you know if they tried that shit over here someone would go gun-happy and kill them.

  2. 2 Ashli March 11, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Also, Twitter? One of the daughters has a twitter account where she posts pictures of herself holding “LADY GAGA IS A FAG ENABLER” sign.
    HYPOCRITE!

  3. 3 Brianne Sheppard March 11, 2010 at 7:49 am

    rigby that mug wasn’t a joke.. i want you to accept god into your heart and your life.

  4. 4 Erik Americo March 21, 2010 at 6:59 am

    its so funny because one of the sons of the main family of the church is not out of wedlock. HES A BASTARD! THATS A SIN! a long long time ago i watched an interview on them and some guy called it and it was so awkward for them.

  5. 5 Sailer March 30, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    You know what gets me? Even TUCKER CARLSON is for gay marriage. That guy wears a bowtie and gets it, why doesn’t the WBC?

    • 6 Celeste December 29, 2012 at 7:02 pm

      Because they’re a bunch of idiots who think that god preaches hatred towards their fellow man.
      Thank god for the Patriot Guard Riders who block them from Solider’s funerals and the families of those who have to bury America’s fallen soliders never have to see/hear them spew their anti-semetic, homophobic, illogical bullshit.

  6. 7 Jim April 24, 2011 at 5:08 am

    Funny, they go on about how they hate America and pretty much everything it stands for yet they themselves are enjoying what it has to offer, owning nice property, cars etc. and most importantly, freedom of speech.

    • 8 Yorgo August 26, 2012 at 12:15 pm

      If they tried to come to Canada I would go gun happy and kill every member because I’m Canadian, but No other country but America accepts these assholes

    • 9 Dee Lytwyn August 27, 2012 at 6:59 pm

      I say drug the men so they can’t fight you(that Jim jones thang) Rape the women, no need to waste a good piece of ass) then handcuff them all pack em into a truck drive them over the border into Mexico throw em out and leave! Let’s see their pussyass god help them then. Roflmao! Ps I am not normally this vile, I just couldn’t believe this shit.

  7. 11 left coast April 3, 2013 at 10:23 am

    The only good thing about these assholes is they illicit response in proportion to their vile nature in sane people and thus awaken a powerful outrage in our sleepy moral cores.


  1. 1 The People God Hates | God Discussion Trackback on March 21, 2011 at 3:25 am

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