Now I am fully aware that it is nowhere near Halloween but I really, really love Halloween and making fun of sluts is an activity to be enjoyed year round so why the hell not, plus you have the choice of either reading this or watching youtube videos of babies sneezing. Make the right choice. We all know there’s the classic slutty cat, slutty angel, and slutty devil but there is an entire universe of slutty costumes that hopefully you knew nothing about until today. Let’s take a look at what things you can make slutty by probably adding either huge hooker boots or by making the shirt a bra.
Slutty Wednesday Addams
Bet you didn’t see that one coming did you asshole? Well guess what, they did it. They made a 12 year old girl a slut. What the holy hell, the only thing that really makes it seem slightly like Wednesday is the braids other than that I wouldn’t be able to tell. Costumes like this are so ridiculous because girls wear them to be sexy but the original character wasn’t sexy at all so do you just go around all night saying “I’m Wednesday Addams…but if she was sexy…and not 12” Goddammit. That’s like dressing up as Velma from Scooby-Doo but instead of a frumpy orange sweater you just wear an orange bra and no pants. Well they couldn’t possibly take a less sexy character and make it slutty could they?
Slutty Olive Oyl
When I saw this I think I actually “guffawed” I have always had a strong, uncalled for hatred for Popeye and his annoying wench Olive Oyl. I have no idea why, I just do and I’ve come to terms with it. But even I know this is all kinds of fucked up. First of all: I do not think any slut ever would be like “hmmm what should I dress up as all slutty this year? I KNOW! A character from a cartoon that hit its popularity peak in 1958 and then had a slight re occurrence in 1980’s popular culture with a poorly received film starring Robin Williams!!!!!” JESUS CHRIST.
Sexy Sherlock Holmes
The tagline for this one was “If you have a sexy mystery to solve, this detective has the answer!” I’m guessing the only mystery that’s going to be solved that night is “Who raped the slutty Sherlock Holmes?” To be fair though, this is the least slutty of all the costumes I found, I just thought it was too outrageous to not mention. Again, I don’t know any sluts that would be really excited to dress as Sherlock Holmes especially when there are dicks like me out there that would ask them where Slutty Professor Moriarty is. I hate costumes like this because I feel you really need to commit to a costume even if you look goddamn hideous in it. If, as a woman, you decide to go as Sherlock Holmes then you better fucking glue on some fake mutton chops or the only mystery of the night will be “Who raped the slutty Sherlock Holmes and then glued fake mutton chops to her face?”
Sultry Marie Antoinette
This one is billed as “saucy Marie Antoinette” and if it’s one thing that gets the guys going ladies, it’s a costume honoring the Queen of France who got her head chopped off! Now that’s some hot action. I also really enjoy that this is made by playboy because I like to think that Hugh Heffner has a room full of girls reading encyclopedias scouring all of history for people they can make sexy. Sexy Marie Curie? Sultry Lizzie Borden? The possibilities are endless! I also enjoy how this is pretty much just what Marie Antoinette wore but in mini skirt form, so I guess jokes on me because this dress is pretty historically accurate. And I learned something today.
Sexy Freddy Krueger
Really? Removing the pants from an outfit does not a sexy costume make. Just ask Donald Duck, the most unsexy duck in all of show business. This one is not the worst on the list though, believe it or not. It is however, the only costume on the list that attempts to make a supernatural child murderer hot hot hot! (get it, because Freddy was burned alive! COMEDY!) This costume is pretty accurate despite the missing pants, and oh yea! The horribly disfigured burnt face. If you are going to commit to dressing like Freddy Kruger then you damn well better put some putty on your face to make it all gross. This costume, along with the Sherlock Holmes costume, are really baffling because one would think it would take a really nerdy girl to want to dress up like either and therefore, like all nerds, would be extremely anal about detail and wouldn’t totally butcher the costume and last time I checked Freddy didn’t wear hooker boots. But believe it or not the costumes just get more and more bogus as the list goes on!
Before I start can we talk about how goddamn excited Slimer looks? check him out back there. Jesus Christ buddy play it cool. Yikes. Anyways, aside from Slimer’s rape eyes this costume is pretty accurate except I don’t really remember hot pants being part of the original uniform. I actually have seen this costume in person and I was really stoked on it until the person turned around and I noticed there was no Zuul…only huge cans. Also this costume really opens the door for drunk men to ask you if you ever cross the stream… I have no idea what that would imply but it sounds downright filthy.
This one isn’t really slutty at all, it’s just completely non sensical. Why on Earth would you try to make a Spongebob costume that doesn’t involve a bulky, hard to maneuver giant piece of foam that you end up throwing up on near the end of the night? The only people who should be dressing up as Spongebob are little kids and fat party dudes who do it to be funny, and both of them will end up throwing up on that costume at the end of the night let me tell you. I know as a girl it sucks that we can’t participate in some of the funniest or most badass costumes but there is no way you should ever attempt to be Spongebob Squarepants, just suck it up instead and go as one of the Golden Girls or a homeless derelict or something.
So yea, this exists. This costume is a real stretch and to be honest, I just stared at it for probably a minute straight, struggling to understand the madness behind this Halloween costume. It sort of make sense as far as the colours go but if you’re going to dress up as a fish you might want to add the crucial elements like a fin, gills and a hollow divot you hold your eggs in while a male fertilizes them. I MEAN COME ON. This costume demonstrates perfectly the only rule of Halloween: if you have to explain what you’re dressed up as, it’s not a good costume. Which brings us to our final and most enraging costume…
Slutty Amelia Earhart
I actually yelled COME ON REALLY? at the computer and then dealt my cat a series of blows to the face because I was so infuriated over this costume. Amelia Earhart had short brown hair and didn’t, to the best of my knowledge, dress like common street trash. But that’s just the tip of the nonsensical iceburg here. This is just ridiculous. A legit Amelia Earhart costume would be pretty sweet and right before you left the party you could announce that you were about to fly around the world. This, just like the Sherlock Holmes costume is really confusing because again, why would a girl who is willing to wear essentially underwear out in public choose to go dressed as a woman who broke several records and was a huge supporter for womens rights? If she knew about this costume she would be spinning in her grave…or telling Tupac and Elvis how pissed she is while they party on an Island no one knows about. (I like to think its the latter)