1. Ultimate Frisbee
Are you kidding me with this? this is an actual sport? Frisbee on its own is only fun 30% of the time, the rest of the time it’s either too windy or the person you’re playing with is a fucking jackass and throws like an idiot(me) Frisbee is also only fun when you are in a summer situation with lots of liquor and a barbecue is somewhere in the near vicinity.
In no way, shape or form should Frisbee be considered a real sport. Adding “ultimate” to something does not make it ultimate. Have you ever heard of “ultimate card house making” or “ultimate whittling”? No. No you have not. Because those are clearly not ultimate activities and nothing will ever change that.
It’s not really so much the game that I hate but those assholes that play it. Crunchy hippie losers who play a rousing game of Ultimate Frisbee then talk about it loudly at a coffee shop while they drink organic coffee so everyone in the place knows how active and extreme they are. We get it you turds, we get it.
Anyways, I guess in ultimate Frisbee you just run around faster and try to throw the Frisbee in the opponents net or some sort of like weird bowl or something? I’m pretty unclear and I don’t want to get caught googling “ultimate frisbee” or my boyfriend might break up with me. It sounds a lot like soccer only way more terrible. Why wouldn’t you just play soccer? I wouldn’t judge anyone if they said “Hey, I’m going to go play soccer, catch you later” but if you replace soccer with ultimate Frisbee then I’m afraid I have to sock you one right in the chops and then you can talk about that while you shovel trail mix into a bag in the bulk food section of an organic market. You disgust me.
2. Interpretive Dance
It could be argued that it isn’t a real sport but I really just want to make fun of it so for the time being, it is a sport. I do not understand the concept of this whatsoever. What are you interpreting? more importantly, why are we forced to watch?
Interpretive dance is like the David Lynch film of the dance world: no one understands it but pompous artsy jagoffs claim they do while the rest of us are just really weirded out.
You know how people write stories about TV shows and movies and draw the characters from them and shit? Is it possible that there are people out there that do interpretive dance acting out last weeks episode of Law and Order? COULD YOU IMAGINE??? I would actually watch that.
Now I will be honest, who among us hasn’t gotten wasted and created a hand gesture dance to go along to say, Don’t stop believing or Heat of the moment? I know I have. The only difference is I know I’m being an obnoxious jackass and I also don’t don a leotard and get some ribbons to wave in the air to really emphasize the fact that she’s just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. The only exception to the rule that interpretive dance is lame is the music video Praise you by Fatboy Slim. My god is that amazing.
I’m not talking about World Wrestling Entertainment, or when guys get drunk. move aside the coffee table and wrestle in the living room. I’m talking about real wrestling, like roman style. It’s just awkward.
I feel extremely uncomfortable watching this. there is far too many grunts involved and I feel like fingers could easily slip into various holes. Everyones faces are always really red and I just cannot handle it, I’m getting uncomfortable just talking about it. I also feel extremely uncomfortable watching girls wrestle because It’s like at any moment their breast might pop out and then I would start laughing and then they would beat the shit out of me in the parking lot afterwards. These are all things I do not want to occur.
Wrestling was somewhat big in my highschool and I never really got why. I’m sure it does take some strength and talent but why not do something more badass like kick boxing or something? at least then if someone tries to roll you in a parking lot you can scissor kick them in the face and not just mount them awkwardly and grunt in their ear. Although, that would also probably have a very terrifying effect on them. Actually if you’re reading this and you’re a wrestler please don’t come to my house and give me a stone cold stunner.
Words cannot express how deeply I loathe curling. As a child I was dragged to the curling rink almost every goddamn Saturday to either play or watch and it destroyed my life. They had cartoons on in this little TV hanging from the roof but the sound was off so I just had to squint and guess what The Ghostbusters were talking about. It was awful and I still wake up in a cold sweat at night thinking about all the great jokes I missed cartoon Venkman making. To be fair, I did enjoy playing with my family when I was little but we could have been throwing cards into a hat for all I cared, I just liked hanging out with them and plus my parents always let me buy something from the concession afterwards. But then again the guy that worked at the concession stand was goddamn terrifying and I was convinced he was a Frankenstein monster. So yea, Curling sucks.
But back to the actual sport: I hate it. I hate the rink, I hate the game, I especially hate the yelling that constantly occurs. SCREAMING HURRY HARD DOESN’T MAKE THE ROCK GO ANY FASTER YOU ASSHOLES. It just…It just enrages me. Even the sound of curling makes me see red, I probably sound like a bad Canadian but Jesus Christ why couldn’t the US pretend that they invent curling and not basketball. Plus the rink always has grimy benches and there’s always some drunk guy named Irv or Reg hanging out drinking pitchers of beer. Ugh. My brother still curls all the time and he’s actually pretty good at it so I’m torn between being proud of him and wanting to knock his teeth out. Luckily he doesn’t read my blog (jerk off)
5. Professional Poker
Now to be clear, I have no problem with people playing this with their friends at home and having poker nights but as soon as it’s on ESPN or whatever I have a problem with it. You assholes. Who do you think you are with your sunglasses and your little smirks. HOW DARE YOU BE ON MY TV? I would rather watch hours upon hours of Two and a Half Men and you guys know how much I hate that show. In fact, doesn’t Charlie Sheen seem like the kind of jerk who would go and play televised poker? ARGGHHH.
Also of all the games in the world to be televised why make it poker? Wouldn’t you rather watch a Monopoly tourney? You could see how long it takes someone to flip the board and call the banker an asshole. Or a Scrabble tourney could be sort of fun if it was dirty word edition.
But Honestly, who watches this shit? I assume only other poker players and dogs that had the TV left on by their owners so they wouldn’t be lonely. Remember like 2 years ago when poker was really popular all of a sudden and there was poker themed glasses and poker sets all over the damn place? I was hoping that fad would just disappear much like the bagel fad of the 90’s but it looks like it didn’t. Maybe the thing that pisses me off the most is the fact that people get paid to play this shit in their undies in front of their computer. They should be writing angry, ranting comedy blogs for free instead! no wait then I would be out of a job(???) stick to being smarmy in your sunglasses and hat that says Goldenpalace.com on the front please.