5 Worst celebrity baby names

Somehow I always knew my life would turn out like this: mocking children on the internet who have no ability to defend themselves. I’ve got to say I’m not even mad about it. For those of you who aren’t aware, My name is Rigby which may make it seem weird that I’m making fun of terribly named children. I have felt the sting of this name, most recently a goon named Joey harassed me in a bar after I introduced myself. He said I should, and I quote, “Kick your parents in the face for naming you that” now I don’t know if this line works well on other ladies, but it was not for me. I would have preferred it if he just spit in my face (it would make me feel really wanted) Regardless of this though, I am still dedicated to making fun of these kids and their oh so unfortunate names. I do it all for you my loves! So let’s get this awkward train rolling with a triple threat of awful names:

1. Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela and Petal Blossom Rainbow

the girls enjoy some freetime outside of the family home

What the fuck Jamie Oliver? did you have these children with a 12 year old? Did you travel back in time to 1973 and impregnate a hippy? what were you thinking? At least my name looks alright on say, a resume or a police report but Jesus Christ are you kidding me with this? The only one who got away somewhat unscathed would be Daisy Boo Pamela and that’s being generous. It’s like you wanted to give these kids fucked up names on purpose but then decided just in case they somehow get through life being called Petal, you better chuck a Rainbow in there just for good measure. You are a terrible, terrible man.

How Jamie Oliver sees the world

Names like this piss me off because yea it’s all well and good to have a precious 3 year old named Poppy but can you picture a 56 year old woman named Poppy Honey Rosie picking out cans of cat food at a 711 at 3 in the morning? Also, with names like this you are under a lot of pressure to be a carefree pixie-esque free spirit who dances all the time and carries balloons at odd times….or a stripper. Are you happy Jamie? your wife just gave birth to three balloon loving strippers.

2. Moses

"hey guys! Mom says you can spend the night and she got Totinos pizza rolls!!!"

Not a terrible name in the sense that it’s originally a fruit or a kitchen utensil, but terrible in the sense that it’s sort of one of those names only one person can ever pull off and that would be the original gangster himself; Moses.

I know Mexicans (yea I said it) name their kids Jesus all the time but it’s pronounced Hey-zeus! (I added the exclamation mark for effect) but Moses is just Moses and it’s already spoken for. Tons of people name their kids biblical names like Matthew, Lucas or Lucifer but Moses just seems weird and wrong, like naming your kid Adolf (see number 5 on the list) if you’re German…..and your last name is Hitler, or really anything with an H so it shows up as “H, Adolf” in the phonebook. Setting your kids up for a lot of prank calls.

"Hello? Adolf? do you have several Jewish people in a can? WELL YOU BETTER LET THEM OUT YOU AWFUL MONSTER!!"

Anyways, where was I? Oh ya, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin already dropped the ball with Apple but they really fucked up with Moses. What was the reasoning behind this? Does he often carry around gigantic stone tablets with the word of God on them? Does he just straight up resemble Charlton Heston? Was he born with a full length gray beard and they just knew he was a Moses? Oh man I hope it was the last one. haha a baby with a beard.

3. Kal-El

Kal-El enjoys some quality time with his parents before being fired into space on a rocket

This one is on the list for several reasons, the first of which being I FUCKING HATE NICOLAS CAGE  AND EVERYTHING HE DOES and the second and third being it’s a terrible name for a child and Superman sucks. For those of you not in the know, Kal-El is Supermans real name. Why the fuck did Nicolas Cage name his son this? Why the fuck did anyone ever conceive a child with Nicolas Cage? the questions are unending, but one thing is for sure: I hate Nicolas Cage with the fiery passion of a thousand swords.


If you are going to name your kid after a superhero why not make it a less shitty one? And I know what you’re saying “hey asshole, Superman is the best superhero” well newsflash jerks: he isn’t. He’s too good and has pretty much every superpower. Batman, now there’s a hero! He doesn’t even have any powers just tons of money, gadgets and a saucy British butler. So I guess where I’m going with this is name your kids Bruce Wayne? no wait that’s a terrible name too. The real lesson here is do not sleep with Nicolas Cage. EVER.

4. Audio Science

pictured: science, audio

Now the mother of this baby boy is Shannyn Sossamon who you might remember from A Knights Tale or The Rules of Attraction but she hasn’t really been around since like 2003, So what I’m trying to say here is she sucks at acting and also at naming children. This name is by far the most  nonsensical on the list and I’m pretty sure even Gem Butterfly Rainbow or whatever from further up the list would kick the shit out of this kid. I mean, how is this even a name? it’s just two random words that don’t even belong together.

my new daughter, Cinderblock Ranch dressing

This name is a poor choice for your child because every time you introduce them to a stranger, that stranger will be thinking 1 of 2 things:

1. How high was she when she named him?

2. How high is she now?

I left certain names off the list, like Frank Zappa’s kids because hey it’s Frank goddamn Zappa but who the hell is this stranger bitch to think she has enough street cred to pull off naming her kid something so utterly bizarre? Audio Science should either change his name or look forward to a career in playing shitty techno music while wearing a codpiece.

5. Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation

I think Picard speaks for all of us.

Not really celebrity children but MY GOD. What the fuck? These names will actually do extreme harm to these children, the rest of the names on the list are just kinda dumb but Jesus these names are actually offensive to literally everyone who will hear them… except skinheads I guess. This woman, Deborah Campbell aka the craziest bitch ever, named her two kids Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation. The kids (shockingly) got taken away from her and she doesn’t understand why. Really? you don’t know why?

"what a terrible mother! now back to sleeping with married men and licking knives!

This isn’t one of those things where you give your dog a joke name like cat so it’s like oh haha you call out cat and a dog comes running and everyone laughs! this is naming two people after a horrible mass murderer and the idea that an all white nation is the best thing going. You can’t really get away with claiming you aren’t a gigantic Neo Nazi at this point so is it really that shocking that your kids got taken away? Also, who the fuck actually put this on the birth certificate? If I was the nurse I would just write down Britney and Adam or some shit.

pictured: a slightly better namesake than Adolf Hitler

The best is her argument that a name is just a name so why should it matter? She also cited Barack Obama having the middle name Hussein which I’m sure was hard for her to find out because she had to suppress the urge to spit on the computer in disgust when she saw a black man on the screen. My god, this woman is awful. That is straight up child abuse and hopefully those kids get themselves a name change super quick. Maybe to something nice like Petal Blossom Rainbow (sounds pretty good right about now)


12 Responses to “5 Worst celebrity baby names”

  1. 1 Amy April 12, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Those are heinous. I went to elementary school with a “Bambi” and “Kandi” and felt sorry for them. … no I didn’t; they were bitches. Totally bullies.

    But here in the Philippines, there are some awful ones. I’m not talking strange in that it’s another country- plenty of normal Filipino names… my boyfriend’s ex is named “Sweet.” I’ve met more “Princesses” than I care to admit, and several “Jesus” namesakes (and not the Mexican kind). The other day I met a “Poog.” Thank God I ended up with a “Randy.”

  2. 3 Autumn Night April 13, 2010 at 8:12 am

    You forgot about Inspector Pilot! Also, I don’t think Rigby is a bad name at all…

  3. 4 Bryant April 13, 2010 at 8:17 am

    Man you forgot about Noah. If you named your kid Noah, you’ve doomed him to playing shitty covers of Jack Johnson in the student quad and writing shitty poetry rhyming words like ‘dream’ and ‘stream’ together

  4. 5 Amy April 15, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    I have a friend named “Ketchup,” after the condiment, presumably, and in the SAME family, three of the daughters are all named “Angel.” I have no idea why, but no one ever seemed confused, and I know I was correct in my thinking, because I once saw a birthday party invitation with every child’s name on it, and there they were. I can’t figure out if you’re just being lazy, or trying to give yourself more of a challenge.

    Side note: my boyfriend thinks it’s awesome and a testament to his prowess that “Randy” is what Austin Powers says when he wants to get laid.

  5. 6 Sailer April 17, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    I don’t know if I’m defending Hitler or Stalin here, but Hitler was a schoolboy compared to Stalin. Staling killed like 32 million Russians over his reign and then fixed the census. Smart move, right? Wait, what?

  6. 7 Eric April 19, 2010 at 12:28 am

    At my school, there’s a girl named Curiosity, and another named Strawberry.
    I can only imagine the jobs that would accept someone with a name like Strawberry.

  7. 8 Jim Mceldowney April 25, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    I don’t usually reply to posts but I will in this case, great info…I will bookmark your site. Keep up the good work!

  8. 9 Stephanie Ray March 18, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Wow! I bet you people call yourselves “Christians,” don’t you? Why does it bother you if someone named their children Adolf and Aryan? Are you yourself in fact a Jew or a Negro? You must be some kind of Un-American, because it seems to me that you only chose White children to make fun of. And you want to point fingers and cast stones saying that us White folks are racist? White people are actually the least racist out of everybody! Heres a few examples for you to chew on; Black Entertainment Television (BET), if White’s had White Entertainment Television (WET) we would be considered “Racists”, In America, we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Yom Kippur, Cinco De Mayo and quite a few other memorial days as well, but if White People wanted to celebrate Adolf Hitler’s Birthday or some other “White Man’s” historical Day, We would be “Racist’s.” Do you truely enjoy having to “Press 1” for English in The United States of America? English should be #1, end of story! THIS COUNTRY SHOULD BE ASHAMED! Arent you?

    • 10 rigsamarole March 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

      I honestly can’t tell if you are totally insane and actually believe what you’re saying, or if this is just a huge joke. Either way I am laughing over here and I think you would be happy to know that I read your comment out loud to a room full of people and they also had a good laugh over it. If, in fact this is serious then I think the juxaposition of you claiming that Jewish people and “negros” are Un-American right next to you saying that white people, which I assume you are, are the least racist people is goddamn hilarious. I am Un-American but not because of my ethnicity, but because I am Canadian. A fact that I thank God for every day because I rarely run into people as sick as you.

      Oh and there is a White Entertainment Television Channel, in fact IT IS EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL OTHER THAN BET. As far as not celebrating “white mans holiday” how about this little gem: THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY SEASON OF CHRISTMAS. Or St Patricks Day, Easter, Any presidents day and the 4th of July. I honestly can’t even reply in a funny way to you because you are the sickest fuck ever if you think Hitlers birthday should be celebrated. April 20th is already dedicated to getting really, really high and Hitler has no place in that day.

      And if you did celebrate Hitlers birthday of course you would considered a racist, and if you have anything other than blue eyes and blonde hair Hitler wouldn’t be too fucking fond of you himself. I don’t even know how you were able to run the Internet or how you possibly survive in this world since you are clearly so terrified and ignorant if anyone is even remotely different looking, or speaks differently than you. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you have to press 1 for English on the phone because your weight has restricted you to never leaving the house and you need to get your Dale Earnhardt collectible mugs somehow and I’m sorry that the physical exertion of pressing a button is too much for your delicate sensibilties.

      Looking forward to your well thought out, concise response since I’m sure you have a very firm grasp on the English language since it is, in your words, Number 1.

    • 11 El Jefe August 23, 2012 at 5:06 am

      LOL – I know this comment by Stephanie “Man’s Middle Name” Ray Hillbilly, Jr. is old, but…wow.

      1) What do you have against Christians? I mean, I know you hate people who aren’t like you, so I’m assuming you’re a Luciferian.

      2) How are Jews or “Negroes” Un-American, as you so eloquently put it? I mean, if they’re not “American”, then they’re Un-American. At least you weren’t stupid enough to assume people are anti-American based on their race/religion.

      3) There are far more examples of terrible White-celeb baby names than Black-celeb baby names, but I don’t think the selection was purposeful by the author. So if it’s that big of a deal, instead of exposing yourself as a self-loathing paranoid coward, why not just throw a comment in like, “how about Blue Ivy Rigomortis or whatever that dweeb who thinks he’s god and his puppet Beyonce named their kid?” – I mean, did you have to make such a fool of yourself when you could have just said something like that and maintained some level of self-respect in the process?

      4) Your examples of the holidays are terrible. MLK Day is not a “Black” holiday for one, it’s a holiday celebrating a guy who pushed to end discrimination based on 3rd-world, backward fuckasses like you, whom nobody with any level of intelligence believes deserves air. BET: I can watch BET if I want, but the shows suck. I’m not interested. It doesn’t exclude whites from watching it, so who cares? I’d much rather the shows they have on their channel all be focused on that channel, because it keeps them out of the way of decent television on other channels. For the people who want to watch it…they know which channel to tune to. What’s the problem? Not enough reality shows to drain those last few functioning brain cells of yours?

      5) Celebrating Hitler’s Birthday: if you want to celebrate Hitler’s birthday, you’re not only a “racist”, you’re a sick fuck. I’m German, and I think he was a total douche bag, but not as big a douchebag as you.

  9. 12 El Jefe August 23, 2012 at 4:54 am

    I think Sossamon went with Audio Science Sossamon because they were too stupid to name their kid at the very least Adam Sandler Sossamon, and were so desparate to give their kid the initials A.S.S., that they literally did just grab the first “A” word and first “S” word they could find out of the dictionary.

    “Hey, my last name starts with “S!” That means if I give me kid the initials “A.S.”, his/her full initials will be ASS! Dude, it’s totally, just…wow….awesome. Heh, ASS!!”

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