Somehow I always knew my life would turn out like this: mocking children on the internet who have no ability to defend themselves. I’ve got to say I’m not even mad about it. For those of you who aren’t aware, My name is Rigby which may make it seem weird that I’m making fun of terribly named children. I have felt the sting of this name, most recently a goon named Joey harassed me in a bar after I introduced myself. He said I should, and I quote, “Kick your parents in the face for naming you that” now I don’t know if this line works well on other ladies, but it was not for me. I would have preferred it if he just spit in my face (it would make me feel really wanted) Regardless of this though, I am still dedicated to making fun of these kids and their oh so unfortunate names. I do it all for you my loves! So let’s get this awkward train rolling with a triple threat of awful names:
1. Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela and Petal Blossom Rainbow
What the fuck Jamie Oliver? did you have these children with a 12 year old? Did you travel back in time to 1973 and impregnate a hippy? what were you thinking? At least my name looks alright on say, a resume or a police report but Jesus Christ are you kidding me with this? The only one who got away somewhat unscathed would be Daisy Boo Pamela and that’s being generous. It’s like you wanted to give these kids fucked up names on purpose but then decided just in case they somehow get through life being called Petal, you better chuck a Rainbow in there just for good measure. You are a terrible, terrible man.
Names like this piss me off because yea it’s all well and good to have a precious 3 year old named Poppy but can you picture a 56 year old woman named Poppy Honey Rosie picking out cans of cat food at a 711 at 3 in the morning? Also, with names like this you are under a lot of pressure to be a carefree pixie-esque free spirit who dances all the time and carries balloons at odd times….or a stripper. Are you happy Jamie? your wife just gave birth to three balloon loving strippers.
Not a terrible name in the sense that it’s originally a fruit or a kitchen utensil, but terrible in the sense that it’s sort of one of those names only one person can ever pull off and that would be the original gangster himself; Moses.
I know Mexicans (yea I said it) name their kids Jesus all the time but it’s pronounced Hey-zeus! (I added the exclamation mark for effect) but Moses is just Moses and it’s already spoken for. Tons of people name their kids biblical names like Matthew, Lucas or Lucifer but Moses just seems weird and wrong, like naming your kid Adolf (see number 5 on the list) if you’re German…..and your last name is Hitler, or really anything with an H so it shows up as “H, Adolf” in the phonebook. Setting your kids up for a lot of prank calls.
Anyways, where was I? Oh ya, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin already dropped the ball with Apple but they really fucked up with Moses. What was the reasoning behind this? Does he often carry around gigantic stone tablets with the word of God on them? Does he just straight up resemble Charlton Heston? Was he born with a full length gray beard and they just knew he was a Moses? Oh man I hope it was the last one. haha a baby with a beard.
This one is on the list for several reasons, the first of which being I FUCKING HATE NICOLAS CAGE AND EVERYTHING HE DOES and the second and third being it’s a terrible name for a child and Superman sucks. For those of you not in the know, Kal-El is Supermans real name. Why the fuck did Nicolas Cage name his son this? Why the fuck did anyone ever conceive a child with Nicolas Cage? the questions are unending, but one thing is for sure: I hate Nicolas Cage with the fiery passion of a thousand swords.
If you are going to name your kid after a superhero why not make it a less shitty one? And I know what you’re saying “hey asshole, Superman is the best superhero” well newsflash jerks: he isn’t. He’s too good and has pretty much every superpower. Batman, now there’s a hero! He doesn’t even have any powers just tons of money, gadgets and a saucy British butler. So I guess where I’m going with this is name your kids Bruce Wayne? no wait that’s a terrible name too. The real lesson here is do not sleep with Nicolas Cage. EVER.
4. Audio Science
Now the mother of this baby boy is Shannyn Sossamon who you might remember from A Knights Tale or The Rules of Attraction but she hasn’t really been around since like 2003, So what I’m trying to say here is she sucks at acting and also at naming children. This name is by far the most nonsensical on the list and I’m pretty sure even Gem Butterfly Rainbow or whatever from further up the list would kick the shit out of this kid. I mean, how is this even a name? it’s just two random words that don’t even belong together.
This name is a poor choice for your child because every time you introduce them to a stranger, that stranger will be thinking 1 of 2 things:
1. How high was she when she named him?
2. How high is she now?
I left certain names off the list, like Frank Zappa’s kids because hey it’s Frank goddamn Zappa but who the hell is this stranger bitch to think she has enough street cred to pull off naming her kid something so utterly bizarre? Audio Science should either change his name or look forward to a career in playing shitty techno music while wearing a codpiece.
5. Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation
Not really celebrity children but MY GOD. What the fuck? These names will actually do extreme harm to these children, the rest of the names on the list are just kinda dumb but Jesus these names are actually offensive to literally everyone who will hear them… except skinheads I guess. This woman, Deborah Campbell aka the craziest bitch ever, named her two kids Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nation. The kids (shockingly) got taken away from her and she doesn’t understand why. Really? you don’t know why?
This isn’t one of those things where you give your dog a joke name like cat so it’s like oh haha you call out cat and a dog comes running and everyone laughs! this is naming two people after a horrible mass murderer and the idea that an all white nation is the best thing going. You can’t really get away with claiming you aren’t a gigantic Neo Nazi at this point so is it really that shocking that your kids got taken away? Also, who the fuck actually put this on the birth certificate? If I was the nurse I would just write down Britney and Adam or some shit.
The best is her argument that a name is just a name so why should it matter? She also cited Barack Obama having the middle name Hussein which I’m sure was hard for her to find out because she had to suppress the urge to spit on the computer in disgust when she saw a black man on the screen. My god, this woman is awful. That is straight up child abuse and hopefully those kids get themselves a name change super quick. Maybe to something nice like Petal Blossom Rainbow (sounds pretty good right about now)