Awful Fanfiction: WHY GOD WHY edition

Ok so you guys might have read my earlier forays into the dark underbelly of fan fiction that included a bizarre House/Teletubbies entry as well as a story about The Fresh Prince being addicted to heroin. Well I have finally mustered up enough courage and enough holy water to sprinkle liberally on my laptop to venture back to the second hand embarrassment inducing fanfiction.net.

There is literally thousands and thousands of stories that people have written about various television shows, movies and books. PAUL BLART MALL COP EVEN HAS 6 STORIES. What the shit here people, focus your “writing skills” on other things like sending dirty letters to elementary schools or your own suicide notes. But this isn’t about encouraging creepy people to end their lives, it’s about possibly the most upsetting fanfiction I have ever seen. Let me explain through the help of a math equation

Back to the Future = Rad

Bill Nye the Science Guy = Rad

Back to the Future+Bill Nye the Science Guy = Holy shit so awesome!

Back to the Future + Bill Nye the Science guy + Gay love = BLAAAARRRGGHHH

exactly!

That’s right people someone wrote an erotic story about Bill Nye and Doc Brown GETTIN’ IT ONNNNNN. Even more troubling is that this is just one of a possible 21 choices of erotic fiction involving characters from Back to the Future. I haven’t clicked on all of them because I don’t want to think about Biff Tanner and Marty getting freaking in the Delorean. One of the reasons I chose this one besides the obvious WTF factor is because it is so horribly misspelled and poorly written that it’s either been written by a child, someone who just got hit in the face with a cinderblock or a Japanese Man. You be the judge!

I'm looking in your direction Prime Minister.

It’s entitled “Bill s worst day ever” and yes that space in between Bill and s was there originally. This opus was written by one “bttfmjffan” which leads me to believe he REALLY loves Back to the Future….and apparently writing stories about  old scientists having sex.

Doc Brown had since a month a new assistant: Bill Nye the science guy. He is a clever young man, much younger as Doc, but intelligent as his friend. For this reason Doc can´t him like.

Ago 3 days when he conduct a new experimet, Doc frighten him nearly to death, grabbed his wrists and slapped him in the face. Bill was so shocked that he ran away from the older scientist and leaved the house.

On the next day the ´science guy´didn´t came to Doc´s lab. And today he is standing beside Doc and must hear all the lies he said.

“Bill, what are you doing? This is all wrong, you are a stupid idiot.”

Doc is mean to him. He slapped Bill every time when he make alleged mistakes, they´re not are wrong. But in reality, Doc was the stupid person. And today should be the worst day for Bill Nye.

So yea, that is what you are in for. I can’t stop laughing at this because it’s so baffling to me that someone was so determined to get their idea of Doc Brown and Bill Nye banging each other into some form of artistic expression that they have totally disregarded any semblance of basic sentence structure. I picture someone furiously typing away before their vision leaves them, altering between laughing and weeping because the beauty of their creation is so stunningly beautiful and raw. Also way to pick the absolute unsexiest character in the entire Back to the Future franchise to have sex with an equally horrible person.

Pictured: a sex bomb

It began on Monday morning at 9.00 A.M. in Doc´s lab. Bill was moreover searching together all items for his new experiment as the door flew up and Doc entered the room. His white hair was a mass and he looked very angry.

“Science guy, what are you doing here? I want an explanation for this.”

“What?”

“Why are you still here? I will that you leave my lab immediately!”

“I don´t understand why…”

“Shut up. Don´t speak a word while I´m talking to you. Leave my lab.”

“No!”

“Then you would be punished, Bill”, Doc said and took a step closer to him. “I´ll give you one hour, if you´re then not leaving…”, he hesitated a moment, …well, what should I do with you? I already know it, but… you´ll see.” Doc looked at him with a very evil expression on his face.

So yea, I think we can all see where this is going. Once again, I am not altering this in any way. Someone actually wrote it like this and then submitted it to this website. What kind of madman would do this you might ask, well I checked out his profile and apparently a Russian man would do this. I really had high hopes that someone who just got clobbered in the face by a cinderblock wrote this but I guess Russian man is a close second on the insanity scale.

The author takes a break from writing to enjoy some bear chasing. Also: Russia is mental.

But let’s discuss what is happening in the story. So far we know that Doc Brown is a huge cock to Bill for no real reason that I can see. Apparently he’s pretty pissed that the lab assistant that he chose to hire is working in the lab at 9 in the morning. WHAT A DICKHEAD. But what terrors could he possibly have in store for Bill Nye? Ugh. I can only imagine, and since I read ahead to see how fucking long this trainwreck is I unfortunately know the answer. (Spoiler Alert: It’s horrifying beyond all reason)

Bill gulped, staring at the door. ´Oh my god´, he thought ´should I go or stay here until 10.00 A.M?´

The time goes by. Bill was so deepen in his work that he didn´t hear the door is closing. And he didn´t hear the footsteps approach him.

OH SHIT! What the hell is going to be happening soon? could it be something that will end in me screaming and weeping until I fall asleep from exhaustion? I hope not because I have to get up early. I’m going to wager one of two things will happen:

A) Doc Brown will write up a formal complaint about Bill Nye and Bill will be transferred to another lab

or

B) Doc Brown will violently sodomize Bill Nye

Let’s pray to all the various gods that option A is the winner.

for my sanity and your buttholes sake let's hope I'm right.

Doc grabbed his arm.

Doc grabbed his bow-tie while he pushed his tongue into Bill´s mouth. “Why is he kissing me”, the science guy thought ,”he still hate me.”

He felt Doc´s hands touching his ass, then they moved between his legs. He opened Bill´s pants quickly, then undoing his own and pressing his hips aainst the younger scientist. Bill gasped. “What are you´ll doing with me?”

A evil grin appeared on Doc´s face. “I don´t say it, but you would like it.” Just as Doc pulled his pants down his hips, Bill know what he would do to him: He would rape him.

Well I’m laughing, but it’s a laugh of terrible, unspeakable horror. WHY. WHY DOES THIS EXIST. I honestly think I may have reached my limits. This might be the end for me, because what else is there to explore when this is discovered? I think this might be the end of the Internet, there is just nothing left. In a few minutes I’m going to get an e-mail from the Internet president telling me I have seen all of the Internet and I should just end it all.

In the meantime let’s talk about how hilarious this is. I love how they make mention of Bill Nyes famous bow tie because your childhood hasn’t been raped enough already. Speaking of rape: Bill Nye is getting raped.

“Doc! Go off of me or I´ll poison you with chemical substances”, he said with a loud voice.

Doc laughed. “Never! Try to escape, you have no chance.”

“I hate you!” Bill screamed. He feel Doc´s hips pressing forward, then a sharp pain as Doc entered him without preparation.

“Ouch, Doc… that hurts.”

“It should, because you´re stupid.”

HAHAHA oh god! I am now going to make “It should, because you’re stupid” my go to phrase everytime someone complains about something. Toe hurts because you stubbed it? It should, because you’re stupid.  Head hurts from a migraine? it should, because you’re stupid. Being anally violated by a Proffesor in a laboratory? It should hurt, because you’re stupid (and leading him on you slut)

Bill cringed as he thrusted fully into him, filling him. Suddenly, he felt something indescrible inside him and that was no pain, but a beautiful feeling. He moaned with pleasure and Doc´s fingers ran through Bill´s hair.

Now he know he had annoyed him and would to make it good. “Bill”, he said with an apologized voice, “it´s all my fault that you must suffer, but it´s not the right moment. Oh god, Doc.”

OK I normally wouldn’t do this because I fully believe in exposing everyone to the hideous underbelly of the internet, and I also am a firm believer in “If i have to suffer, you have to suffer” but I’m going to do you guys a solid right now and spare you the next three paragraphs because it is just horrible, horrible descriptions of Doc Brown raping Bill Nye. If you are really that interested then you can look it up yourself and also may God have mercy on your soul.

Bitch! You should have listened to me!

So I am just going to fast forward to the end here and let you read the last, touching(???) few sentences.

“Is there something what I can do for you?”

Bill nodded. “Can you hug me?”

“Yes”, he answered, throwing his arms around him.

He rested his face on Doc´s shoulder and closed his eyes. Bill was glad that Doc changed his opinion.

“Bill, you can stay here. Forever.”

He gave Doc a long kiss as response.

THE END

Move over Nicolas Sparks! there’s a new shitty romance writer in town and his name is bttfmjffan!

Seriously though, I need to go have a shower and re think some major principles in my life. But hey, at least these gangly middle aged scientists found love in each others freckly skinny arms. So there’s no reason to wake up screaming while this scene replays over and over in my mind or anything. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go pick up something from the store.

soon, my sweet, soon.