Well It’s been awhile since I’ve gone on a nonsensical rant about random things that most people would just ignore, or forget about and then move on with their lives. But this is the Internet my friends, so you either have to listen to me or watch youtube videos of babies sneezing. So what’s it going to be? (please pick me)
Yogurt on its own doesn’t really bother me, but the fact that there are like 80 different types of yogurt to choose from really puts me under a lot of unneeded stress. Hey, asshole yogurt makers: just give me strawberry and fuck off. There’s like mango coconut lime and lemon parfait delight and god knows what else. IT’S FUCKING DISTRACTING.
I can’t be the only one who is so baffled and enraged by the insane amount of yogurt available, I almost have a panic attack and just reach blindly for something recognizable. When I was little we had one kind of yogurt and it was the one you have to stir. Oh and we had Yop too which was god damn delicious and you could also pop the cap off into someones face if you were so inclined (I was so inclined) Also what the fuck is with these yogurts that have prebiotics and probiotics, They make it seem like these are some previously unknown thing that is essential to living. It’s making me concerned that when I die the Doctors are just going to shake their heads and declare what a shame it was that I didn’t consume more probiotics and less whiskeybiotics.
2. 3D Movies
3D movies are pretty fun, yes, but I think they should stick to only making really shitty horror movies 3D because it makes it even more campy and stupidly fun. I also really enjoy drinking at the theater, and getting drunk and watching a laughably bad 3D horror movie sounds like a pretty solid little Sunday afternoon. My real qualm with this new influx of 3D movies is that EVERY FUCKING MOVIE IS IN 3D. Plus I have to wear glasses in the movies so I’m wearing two sets and look like a fucking jagoff. Let’s go through a list here of upcoming 3D movies:
-Step up 3D.
Why the fuck would I want to watch people dance in 3D. OH wait, they have those: they are called dance recitals. FUCK THIS SHIT.
If I may quote my friend Jenna on this subject: “Why? So I can see Steve-O poop at me?”
-Friday the 13th part 2 in 3D
What is this? a math equation? GOD DAMN (actually I would legit go see this, so I guess I’m the asshole)
Edit: from the time I started writing this article this movie has since been canceled. I like to think I had a hand in it.
-Men in Black 3:3D
I was under the impression they already made a third one so I don’t really know how to feel about this.
-Kenny Chesney in concert:3D
I really don’t understand this one, what could possibly be 3D in this? I could understand making a concert like Pink Floyds the wall or something with a really crazy stage show in 3D, but I don’t think this jerkoffs cowboy hat will look any better when it looks like it’s flying at you.
And the list really goes on, pretty much half of all new movies coming out at going to be in 3D . I can hardly wait for the Philadelphia remake IN 3D!
3D movies have been around for years but this recent boom in them I am blaming solely on one person:
Fuck you James Cameron. You think you are so fucking great don’t you? Avatar was fucking terrible and maybe now that it’s on 2D dvd people will realize that just because a movie looks good and cost a fuckton of money does not mean it is actually good. You goddamn prick. WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THOSE PONYTAILS AND WHY DID THOSE BLUE ASSHOLES GET FREAKY WITH THEM. I am 100% convinced that the main guy in it raped that fucking dragon. Watch Avatar again and tell me he did not rape that thing.
You named the mineral they were mining in that movie “Unobtainium” Do I look like a fucking asshole James? because that’s what you are saying to me when you expect me to accept that is a legitimate name for a mineral. Pandorium, there. boom. a better goddamn name. Fuck I hate you.
Well my nose is bleeding now and I think I might have just suffered a stroke so let’s get back on track here. I blame James Cameron because he made it OK to make all these movies unnecessarily 3d and expect the movie going public to shell out like 14 fucking bucks for a ticket. Get stuffed.
3. People that bring their dogs FUCKING EVERYWHERE
When I used to work at a liquor store a girl came in once carrying a little Chihuahua that had a goddamn cast on its leg. She kept talking to it while she shopped about how sad she was that he broke his little leg and then when she came up to pay she put him on the counter and then told me “He has a broken leg” OH REALLY? I couldn’t tell. So I deliberately did not bring attention to her stupid gimp dog because I knew she was just waiting and frothing at the mouth for me to ask OH NO WHAT HAPPENED?? but I didn’t. You know why I didn’t? No, not because I’m an insufferable bitch, but because I cannot stand it when people bring their dogs into stores and try to get you to go on and on about how cute and great their shitty dog is. If a woman brought a baby into the liquor store with a broken arm then I might have to ask some questions, namely what is the number for child protective services. But then again, maybe the baby was asking for it.
Why do people insist on doing this? leave your fucking dog at home or tie it up outside of the 711 you’re shopping at and let everyone coming in wonder in fear if it will bite their goddamn leg off. It’s what responsible pet owners do. It’s not a goddamn baby and no matter how many sweaters or bows you put on it will ever change that.
I was really hoping that this influx of people bringing their dogs everywhere would branch out to people bringing all sorts of crazy pets into stores but apparently it’s frowned upon when you bring a terrified, screeching cat into a Walmart. Either leave your dog at home or in the car with the windows rolled up. Oh wait… maybe not that last one.
4. Justin Bieber
Where the hell did this kid come from? I feel like I fell asleep and woke up and he was all over the fucking place. Is he a warlock? Only time will tell. Seriously though, what the hell teenage girls. Get your shit together. There is no way that when I was 16 I would ever think Justin Bieber was good looking. He look like either a 13-year-old baseball player who plays the drums in his church group band or he looks like a 25 year old lesbian who works at Starbucks. He does not look like a teen heart-throb. I can understand girls thinking two thirds of the Jonas Brothers are good-looking but seriously? Justin Bieber? If I had a teen daughter I would slap her in the mouth and make her watch all my old Backstreet Boys concert VHS’s to really show her what a goddamn teen star is supposed to be.
Anyways I have actually only heard snippets of his one song and I am a 24-year-old woman so maybe it’s not up to me to judge. But then again I do have a blog on the internet so…there’s that. Can someone please tell me where the hell he came from? Why are his cold dead eyes staring back at me from People magazine while I try to steal oranges at the self check out at Save On foods? Where’s the beef? The questions are really endless, but I would like him to either go away or become more attractive. GET ON IT BEEBS.