Toys that will make your children hate you

I don’t have kids myself, but I do have at least one kid in my life that I enjoy because he doesn’t put up too much of a stink if I eat his cookies and we often recreate the scene in Return of the Jedi where Luke gets his hand chopped off. I love him and would give him my bone marrow even if he didn’t ask for it or need it. I would, however, never give him any of the toys I am about to share with you. These toys are almost as effed up as the really old talking doll my mom kept from her childhood for what I think was the express reason to use it to scare the shit out of her future children (mission accomplished asshole) So as I salt all my doorways in case that devil doll tries to come into my house and murder me why don’t you look at these toys!

1. Playmobil Ambulance playset

"WEEEE!! OH GOD I CAN'T MOVE MY LEGS"

I  have actually seen this in a store with my own two eyes and if I remember correctly I did a comical double take because WHAT THE SHIT! why the hell would any child ever want this? First of all, who hit this child on the bike because the only vehicle I see is the ambulance which makes me think they have some sort of injured child quota to reach and they just drive around looking for youngsters to mow down. Second of all, how stoked is that kid to be strapped to a gurney on its way to the hospital?

What occasion would ever come about that would require you to purchase this for a kid? I mean, jesus christ were they all out of Thomas the Tank Engine toys? This is the kind of present a drunk uncle would give a kid. A drunk uncle who hates his nephew.

But believe it or not this isn’t the worst toy playmobil offers up. You know what kids love more than anything? THE ELDERLY! So let’s throw that together:

The toy guaranteed to bring any playtime to a screeching halt.

Wow. Just, wow. Seriously? I’m bored just looking at this goddamn thing. These are toys you would buy to really fuck with your kid. Picture it: your kid won’t shut the hell up about getting a new toy and you bring him home this. Could you imagine the shock on his face as he opens a toy box to reveal a nurse pushing an old man in a wheelchair? Oh man I think I might have kids for the sole reason to do that. Also I know the old mans eyes are just black circles but that toy looks goddamn senile.

2. Whatever the hell this is

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?

MOTHER OF GOD. Is it just me or is this thing horrible beyond all reason? This, my friends, is the face bank. A piggy bank with a face. Because why not make a mundane thing like putting spare change away into a baffling, terrifying ordeal. Could you imagine having this next to your bed at night? That piggybank would come alive and talk to you in that really calm creepy voice like the computer in A Space Odyssey: 2001. It would tell you to take all the money you put inside of it, use it to go buy a handgun and murder your parents. Then it would softly chuckle to itself, its lips making a soft rustling noise as the plastic rubbed together. AHH.

Regardless of any murderous intent, this thing is creepy on a very sexual level as well. Look at those eyes. It knows you’re putting your hand in its mouth you fucking sicko, and it loves every minute of it.

Believe it or not there was actually an even creepier version of this at one point:

they should have made the nose bigger and let the Jew jokes roll in

Great Zeus’ beard that is awful. If you gave either of these banks to your children and forced them to put their spare change in them I’m pretty sure you would raise a child who either always have money or never have money, either way they would certainly hate you.

3. Titanic Bot

oh god this is like 17 levels of offensive

So uh…wow. Even Micheal Bay would be offended by this and he goddamn loves transforming robots. This toy reeks of dollar store and to be honest if I ever saw it I would probably buy one for everyone I know. I really cannot get over this. I’m going to assume that it came from either China or Japan because they really lead the way in toys that make you say “wait…what?” Regardless of this toy delivering more “huhs?” than any David Lynch film ever made, Let’s take a second and think about how great the movie Titanic could have been if the boat changed into a giant robot at the last minute and walked to shore.

"aww man, a poor American youth and a socialite are banging on me AGAIN" said Titanic bot in disgust

This would almost be worth it to give to your child and then explain to them about the real Titanic.

“All those people died because Titanic bot needed room for his lasers and there was no space left for life-rafts”

you caused this Titanic bot! THEIR LOVE WAS SO TRUE

Let’s see what this badboy looks like FULLY TRANSFORMED!!

pictured: BAD ASS..NESS...(???)

Upon seeing this thing fully transformed I am totally on board here. ARE YOU SEEING THIS? MOTHERFUCKER HAS WINGS! WINGS!

I really wish that more tragedies could be diverted by gigantic robots. The Hindenburg blimp, 9/11 (too soon?) I mean the possibilities are endless and I’m not just talking about preventing really sappy James Cameron movie. This toy demands to be on a list of amazing toys actually now that I think about it but I’m lazy so let’s move on.

4. Pregnant Barbie

"no ice cream for me! As you can see, I'm stuffed"

I actually remember a girl in my grade 3 class had one of these and the little plastic piece that slid infront of her stomach got really loose so it would always come open and the baby would fall out all the time whenever she played with it and to be honest it creeped me the fuck out. We would be playing house or what have you and BOOM! baby on the goddamn floor. Is this how childbirth really is? I wondered.Now that I’m an adult who has heard horrible stories of childbirth, I really, really wish that was the case.

So I guess the idea here is to teach girls that women are occasionally pregnant and the pregnancy can be resolved very easily by sliding a plastic piece off and taking out the baby to leave on the rumpus room floor for your dog to eat or your mom to accidentally vacuum up. Pretty solid little life lesson I’d say.

Actually that might be the case for this womans vagina at this point.

I’m pretty sure this toy got pulled off the shelves pretty quickly for being too offensive. Little did they know that years later girls would be bombarded by Bratz dolls which I’m sure would never be able to carry a baby to term. (coke)

5. THE BIBLE GAME!

Let's talk about how insane that whale looks. EASY BUDDY

Picture the scene: some kids are having a sleepover and they all decide to bring over a videogame each to play. Little Johnny brings the Grand Theft Auto that his older brother bought him. Little Jeff brings over Burnout 2. Little Chris brings over THE BIBLE GAME. As you can guess, Little Chris gets violently beaten with pillowcases full of quarters. What? It happened at sleepovers I had as a child.

If I was a Christian kid I would rather have nothing then be given this. In fact, here is a short list of things I would like better than this:

– a mild beating

– a small bundle of sticks

– a copy of  Cosmopolitan from May 1991

– a strangers death certificate

– an old can of tuna that had a dried up worm in the bottom

You get the picture. This game is so painfully uncool that it would be cooler to not even own a Playstation2 in the first place. Let’s take a look at the synopsis for this bulljive

Alright I’m not going to lie to you guys. The gamespot review was really fucking long and boring so I just scrolled down until I found some screen shots. I feel they are telling enough

So the black girls name is Agatha. Nice one Bible Game.

I guess it’s a quiz show or some shit? I think it’s a bunch of bible related mini games. I hope there’s one where you can duel as Cain and Abel and fight each other in a Russian Bunker, oh and that you can change it to paintball or slap mode! Actually I just really really want to play Golden Eye for N64.

BABY COME BACK, YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON MEEEEE

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9 Responses to “Toys that will make your children hate you”


  1. 1 sailer May 23, 2010 at 7:09 am

    First off, I don’t like to think of pregnant Barbie as pregnant, but more full from eating a California Cheeseburger. Second, Bible Game is rad. We had one in the grad room in high school for NES and we would just get high and try to find the correct bible verse. How is that not fun? Solid list, though.

  2. 2 oceansofmars May 27, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Ironically enough the Titanic Bot is seen dual wielding ice picks…

  3. 3 Wilmer Daniel May 28, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Hah am I actually the only reply to your incredible article.

  4. 4 Art Dickinson May 30, 2010 at 6:29 am

    If I had a quarter for each time I came to rigsamarole.wordpress.com.. Incredible article.

  5. 5 Margarita Gentry May 31, 2010 at 8:49 am

    rigsamarole.wordpress.com’s done it again! Superb read.

  6. 6 Joshua March 4, 2011 at 2:49 am

    I think we gotta take overpopulation into account. When are they going to make firecrackers and cigarettes more available again?

  7. 7 Kris April 26, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    On the playmobile man in the wheelchair: the old man looks senile?? Look again at that nurse’s face!! She is off to beat that old man in his hospital room. “And don’t try to tell anyone, because you CANNOT RUN AWAY.”

    Oh, god, look what that toy has turned me into….

  8. 8 anomonous December 29, 2011 at 10:46 am

    lol pregenate doll xD

  9. 9 Carter May 21, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Bible game sounds fun!
    (Kinda)
    I wonder if you can have bowling tournament with Moses and Peter?


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