My adventures on a Japanese shopping website

Japan is a wonderful place full of different customs, traditions, lifestyles and beliefs. It is also is a place where you can buy pretty much anything and chances are Hello Kitty will be all up on that bitch. Today I decided to take a foray into a website called J-list, which is described as “a toy-box from Japan!” I’m pretty sure most toy boxes aren’t full of action figures bending over and exposing their panties but who am I to judge. So without further ado I bring you the most confusing, sometimes troubling finds on J-List.

1. Some weird sex torso?

????

Alright, well the first 3 pages of the adult section of this website was pretty much vibrators disguised as other things so after wading through vibrator coke cans, vibrator eggs and vibrator MP3 players I was finally rewarded with this sexy little number. This is exactly what it looks like: a disembodied torso. I have no idea how you would get freaky with this thing and to be quite honest I don’t want to know. Oh no wait, after reading on I found out there is a hidden hole in it. You got me again Japan! For some reason the thought of someone having sex with what is essentially part of a  mannequin is far more troubling to me then someone having sex with a blow up doll. Possibly because this thing HAS NO GODDAMN HEAD. It just has this creepy spindly neck that goes up to nothing. Take the shirt off that thing and you have a level boss from Silent Hill on your hands.

2. Wiener Shaper

.....why does everything in Japan have a smiling face on it? CUT IT OUT JAPAN

Not at all what I was picturing by the description but I guess this will do. Apparently this is used to cut your hotdog wieners into the shape of tulips. Why you may ask? I do not have a reasonable response to that question. I have no idea why you would want to have a hotdog shaped like a wiener because it wouldn’t fit in a bun very well unless you also used the wiener shaper to change the shape of your bun but that just seems needlessly complicated for the audience that typically eats hotdogs (poor people, stoners and small children)

"if only this was shaped like a Tulip...and if only I had more pot. Sigh"

I honestly have no words for this. What the fuck Japan? If it isn’t a headless sex torso its a very misleadingly titled wiener shaper. Also, why the tulip shape? I can think of many more things to shape a hotdog wiener into that are more exciting. Namely, a dick. Think about it Japan.

3. Some awful, awful dating sims

Sooo uhhh Breasts hey?

ugh..so you may not know what a dating sim is so let me enlighten you. Basically you play a character who romances various women and you win when you have sex with them. That’s pretty much it. Japan has the market cornered on this shit and I have played one and it was shockingly hard. I had to buy that prude like 18 bottles of perfume and take her to the hotsprings like a dozen times before she would let me see her digital cans. The one I played was extremely tame compared to some of the offerings on J List. Here’s a brief rundown on some of the titles I found:

  • Stepmothers Sin
  • Fairly life magic display (wha??)
  • Cat girl alliance
  • Fighting girl touching

you get the picture. The best part of these things is that there is really only so many times you can assault a girl on a subway platform before it gets boring so they really had to change up the plots. In some of these you can bang cat girls, racecar drivers,werewolves, nuns, vampires, and in one amazing game you can have sex with inanimate objects like cell phones and refrigerators that turn into SEXY LADIES.

Close your legs you slut!

One of the features this website offers is reviews of the games in question so you know if you’re buying a good one or if you’re just wasting your time on another humdrum game where you rape a cat wizard. The most upsetting part about this is that they have someone on staff that gets paid to play these games and then review them. His name is Peter.  What the hell could you possibly say your job title is if someone asks you. Game tester? but then you know they’re going to ask what kind of games. I guess you could lie and say you were a digital gynecologist or something that sounds less awful than “I write reviews for games that have 15 minutes long rape cutscenes” Let’s see what Peter had to say about the aforementioned Cat Alliance:

There’s no other way to say it: this is our kinkiest game ever, with tons of bizarre and fun erotic play that includes futanari (that’s cute girls with dicks), bondage play and sexual training, animal cosplay with catgirl/doggirl, joso/danso (girls wearing guys uniforms during sex and vice-versa), 3P (manage-a-trois), roshutsu (sex in public places) and so on. If you like these themes, consider Let’s meow Meow, Amorous Professor Cherry, and Cosplay Fetish Academy. If you love the gender-bending and futathe Yin-Yang and X-Change games.

Jesus Christ Peter get your shit together. I DON’T LIKE THE SOUNDS OF ANY OF THAT.

4. These cups that feature Pandas humping

you can do your spit take at the shock of seeing reverse cowgirl panda right back into the cup. Genius!

Really Japan? It’s always sex with you isn’t it. If it’s not sex then its weird candies that taste like soya sauce (legit exist) although to be honest I would probably buy these and drink my morning OJ out of them. Nothing like looking at two bears having sex to put you in the mood for a long day at the office.  I think these cups would be good to keep handy for special occasions. Some people have fancy crystal, some people have cups with Pandas doin’ it missionary style. IT TAKES DIFFERENT STROKES TO PAINT THE WORLD.

Obviously there is a question that you are all dying to ask so I’m just going to go ahead and answer it: Yes doggy style is featured on the cup and no it isn’t called Panda style. Also, Mom you probably should have stopped reading this article about 800 words ago. I’m very sorry.Also, let’s talk about how non plussed these bears look

the passion is gone.

If you are going to go to the trouble of painting panda bears in various sexual positions can you at least put a smile on their faces? And don’t say it’s because panda bears don’t actually smile and it would be unrealistic because HAVE YOU SEEN THESE CUPS? God I hate you Japan.

Well J-List I think I know now why you are an online store because if anyone had to look someone in the eye while buying half the shit on this website you would probably not have a lot of sales since there’s not much of an overlap of people that want both adorable cellphone charms and headless sex torsos. Or maybe there is. I pray to god there isn’t.

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2 Responses to “My adventures on a Japanese shopping website”


  1. 1 Amy June 1, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    This stuff can literally give you nightmares- I remember parties involving my friends getting hammered and trying to play “Ganguro Girl,” and subsequently getting severely pissed off by how angry and/or uninterested the girls were in their character, because the whole object is to get them to have sex with you. Though I’ve been to sites like J-List before (thanks for the link, Engrish.com!) for a laugh, I’ve never quite made it into the bowels of headless sex torsos before. Hello Kitty dildos were pretty much where I drew my limit…

    … but when I was in Tokyo last year, I totally went looking for those vending machines with used schoolgirl panties in ’em. No dice. Maybe you have to be a bald, middle-aged Japanese dude to find ’em. I did accidentally buy a ton of fruit-flavored beer from a vending machine thinking it was juice though. Score!

  2. 2 Bryant June 2, 2010 at 8:19 am

    haha you think the stuff you found on the net was whack. You should see what’s actually in some of the Japanese sex shops.


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