As some of you may or may not know I have somehow convinced a man to stay with me for the past 4 years despite the fact that I own all 9 seasons of the X Files and routinely burn rice at least once a week. It was not always so. At one time in my life I was single and I went on a blind date. Only one. Never again.
The story I’m about to tell you was not funny at the time but it must be funny now because whenever I tell it to people they like to laugh at my misfortune. I won’t use the real name of the guy I went on the date with and that is mainly because I don’t remember it. Let’s call him Zak because I goddamn hate that name. So let’s hop in our wayback machine to umm 2004? God I need to stop drinking.
I for some reason decided to go on a blind date that was set up by not even a really good friend of mine, but a friend of a friend. Rookie mistake. I didn’t have a car or a license at the time because I was a loser so my parents dropped me off at a restaurant downtown because, to reiterate, I was a loser.
As I sat and waited for my date to show up I was wondering what he would look like. A young David Duchovny? would it just be David Duchovny? Alas my dream of a handsome mono-toned man disappeared as my date walked through the door.
You know when you try to describe someone to another person and you realize you can’t because they are so utterly plain? I would not have this problem because my date looked like Bryan Adams with an extremely piggy nose, so sort of like if Kevin Bacon and Bryan Adams had a baby together and when it came out of Bryan’s vagina the doctor punched it in the face. Bryan is clearly the woman in this scenario.
I don’t want to say that I was clearly better looking then him but I was clearly better looking then him. I still wanted to be nice though because I firmly believe that no matter how unattractive you are on the outside you can have a really great personality and become instantly attractive. It’s like how I think Jack Black is really good looking because he’s so funny and I think Paris Hilton is so ugly because she’s a vapid, insufferable bitch. So I was willing to give this guy the benefit of the doubt because I myself was a mongrel child for the first 15 years of my life
Anywho the guy sat down and ordered an entire pizza. I remember this specifically because I thought it was odd that he would order an entire fucking pizza. So he starts eating his entire goddamn large pizza and I ate my burger or whatever and he’s doing the normal chitchat bullshit and I’m looking at him and I notice there’s something off about his face but I couldn’t really place it. (FORESHADOWING)
So after the dinner/solo pizza eating contest we walked to the movie theater to watch a movie. I also specifically remember that it was Scary Movie 4. Not really the best choice of a date movie but I rolled with it because I shamefully love that movie franchise. As I sat down Zak stopped me and asked if I wouldn’t mind sitting on his left side. I thought it was a little weird but I agreed and asked why. “Because I’m blind in my right eye and if you sit on my left I can see you better”
“Because I’m blind in my right eye and if you sit on my left I can see you better”
I have nothing against blind people, but the fact that I was on a blind date with someone who was literally blind was too much for me to bear. I almost lost my goddamn mind then and there. I wrestled between mentioning to him that we were on a blind date and he was blind and wasn’t that funny? or asking him how he lost his sight for the next hour and a half. By the time the movie was over I had dreamt up several elaborate scenarios that ranged from him getting his eye poked by a stick held by a monkey to getting a hot ember in it while he worked as a blacksmith in a medieval fair. I was too embarrassed to ask what happened though so I kept my theories to myself.
He was actually pretty nice and somewhat funny so when he asked if I wanted to go hang out at the house of the mutual friend who had set us up on the date, I foolishly agreed. It was within walking distance so I asked if he could give me a ride home after since I was a loser who couldn’t drive. He agreed, so I thought what the hell. So we go to his friends house who I can remember the name of but I won’t share because I don’t want to get taken to internet court for talking about what a shithole of a house he had. The house was a shithole you guys. It was a rental but these jerkoffs painted awful hippy mushrooms all over the walls which made the inner housewife in me scream. They also had the market cornered on Bob Marley posters, beer stains on the carpet and random holes punched in the wall. If those walls could talk they would just alternate between crying and vomiting.
Anyways, I somehow found a cushion to sit on that wasn’t riddled with cigarette burns and declined numerous offers by my date and his friends to “hit the bong” which I specifically remember was about as tall as a 4 year old child and had a painting of a wizard on it (obviously) They decided to put a movie on and we watched the movie Swimfan. It was terrible. I haven’t seen it since and I have a very loose grasp on the plot probably because I was daydreaming of what happened to that guys eye again. So the credits roll and it’s like midnight so I decide that its time for me to go home because I am a classy lady who does not stay out until all hours of the night. I’m all “yo, Zak I gotta go can you give me a ride?” and he is all “oh yea…I forgot my car is broken so I can’t give you a ride..you can spend the night here though” as he handed me a beer. (I assume it was Budweiser)
I would love to have seen my face at this time because I’m pretty sure I looked like I had just been told that my cat had been run over by Hitler: Terrified and confused. My mind started racing with several questions. Would I die tonight? Do they have a murder basement? What the hell happened to that guys eye?
I also didn’t have a cellphone at this point in my life because I already didn’t have a license and I lived in my parents basement so why not go for the total loser hat trick?
I asked to use his phone and feverishly called everyone I knew to try and come get me. My parents were staying the night at my Uncles or something so they were a no go, so I went through everyone else whose number I could remember. I tried to play it off like I wasn’t desperately trying to escape in case he got wise to my scheme, threw a potato sack over my head and dragged me into the cellar or something. I was a loser who lived in my parents basement so not many people would miss me. I finally got a hold of a friend who agreed to come and rescue me and I will be forever grateful to him. I’m talking bone marrow grateful, maybe even donate a kidney grateful.
After I got off the phone I told my date that my friend was coming to meet me at the Dennys nearby (fucking classy, I know) Zak looked a little sad and I imagined it was because he couldn’t take pictures of me sleeping and not because he would miss my sparkling conversation and wit. I insisted he not walk me there and we stood awkwardly at the front door saying goodbyes. I was clearly not going to kiss this guy so I gave him an awkward hug. I turned and walked down the steps when I had a sudden change of heart and decided to turn around. I walked back to Zak and said to him in my sexiest voice: “so..what happened to your eye?” He gave me a weird look and told me he was just born that way. Crushed and utterly defeated, with visions of him getting his eye poked out in a skirmish during a bank robbery disappearing, I trudged over to wait for my friend in the Denny’s parking lot where I took some solace in the fact that I was at least sure to find a person that had a worse night than mine.