As you may or may not recall, I wrote a little ditty about bad moves actors made by trying to sing. Well like most hilariously bad things, I had only scratched the surface and there was far more for me to mock. Somehow the following people secured themselves a record deal while the bum that sits outside a bar I frequent who will sing songs and put your name in them has not.
1. Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. What has happened to you? You used to be so talented and beautiful but then what happened? was it the coke? was it the pseudo lesbian relationship? was it more coke? either way I’m pretty sure mothers now tell their daughters stories about you to scare them. “Eat your vegetables or you’ll grow up to look like a homeless witch in Gucci heels that slept in a culvert” they’ll say.
Anyways, Lindsay released not one but two albums before her spiral into redbull and vodka fueled mayhem prevented her from recording anything else. Small victory for us I suppose. She had a few “hits” so let’s take a listen!
I uhhh, wow. So I don’t know if you guys watched that whole video but can we talk about the amazing caliber of singing as well as acting? I think I liked that yellow dress but it might just because all of my other senses were being poisoned so I was just struggling to find beauty in the world. I am glad, however, that someone finally put into song and video that accurately reflects my family dynamics between my fame whoring mother and my abusive father who wears mesh T-Shirts
Lindsays music really speaks to me. She also had another “hit” called Rumours which is about how she hates people spreading rumours about her like about her partying and doing drugs and drinking and you know it just isn’t fair because they don’t even know her and she doesn’t even have a problem you guys she’s just a normal 23 year old girl.
2. Corey Feldman
That’s right folks, the better of the two Coreys can now add being a singer to his list of accomplishments over Corey Haim. Not only is he still walking the earth but he’s releasing shitty music as well! Corey has a band called TRUTH MOVEMENT. I decided to put it in all caps because,well I feel it is a name of such majesty and wonder that it deserves to really leap out at you. TRUTH MOVEMENT.
I had never heard of this band before and I haven’t looked any of their music up yet but I am already 100% convinced it involves Corey Feldman playing the harmonica. PROVE ME WRONG FELDSTER.
So I don’t think any of us expected that. That was fucking 9 minutes long. Are you serious? I only watched like 3 minutes in the middle and I was completely baffled. Seriously, skip to 5 minutes in and watch it for a bit and tell me if you don’t’ feel like you’re watching a grade 12 graphics students final project. WHAT WAS THAT. I feel like I can’t even move past this. I honestly am at a loss for words. Maybe some of his other videos are less ummm…whatever that was.
Well shit. That as I’m sure you could tell, was a fan made video which is more troubling on a completely different scale then the last video because Corey Feldmans band has fans. Fans like this delightful person named MsCoreytruelove. I really like how she made it a Ms. and not a Mrs. because hey Corey is single now and you never know! Unfortunately unlike the video, that song was 100% Truth Movement “magic.” Jesus Christ maybe Death took the wrong Corey after all. Also, check out this sweet album cover
Apparently he still tours with his band so I guess if you are a real sucker for punishment or you feel like getting thrown out of a bar for hurling beer bottles at Corey Feldman then this might be something you would want to pursue.
3. Billy Bob Thornton
I fucking hate Billy Bob Thornton for several reasons
1. his name is Billy Bob
2. He yelled at Jian Ghomeshi on CBC radio
3. He is what Nicolas Cage could be in a few years time (THINK ABOUT IT!)
Also, he is a terrible singer and just gives me the all around BooBoo Jeebies. I remember when I first saw his music video for the song Angelina, which was of course about Angelina Jolie who he was currently scaring with his old testicles. I think I actually shuddered when I first saw this because the entire thing is just so damn creepy. You watch it and judge for yourself if you do not agree that you felt you were just molested through the TV screen.
GAHH STOP LOOKING AT ME. It’s so awful! the winking is what really sent me over the edge. he gives off a really pervy dad vibe, like if you were friends with his daughter he would make some off-hand comment about you looking so pretty and then “accidentally” walk in on you peeing or something. I guess the dad in this scenario also has a pee fetish? Where was I? oh yea, Billy Bob is awful.
I might be a little bit biased about this though because I also really hate Angelina Jolie. (you home wrecking trollop) Maybe another music video of his will be less terrible? Probably not but I’m not going to look into it. I decided to go cry for a while in the shower instead.
4. Tyra Banks
Watching anything to do with Tyra Banks is like watching a two trains that are carrying barking chihuahuas and hairweaves crash into each other: it’s annoying, loud and tasteless but you cannot tear your eyes away from it. On top of being a model, having a show that makes top models who most likely never do anything in high fashion because that show is a fucking joke, and running and extremely bizarre and often nonsensical talk show:
Tyra also took the time out of her busy schedule to start a music career. And by “start” I mean “fail miserably” Tyra only had one single and I have only seen it because she devoted an entire episode of Americas Next Top Model to filming a music video to it which she then premiered at the end of the episode. Tyra is so modest I can hardly believe that she’s famous. So let’s take a look
So there’s that. You could take her out and put in any other female “artist” and the result would be the same because it’s been autotuned to hell and back. I could do that if I wasn’t 100% sure I would be wheezing by dance step 8. That and my weave isn’t as nice. Shockingly her music career failed to really take off because she is bat shit insane.
She should really just go work for Vaseline judging by that clip she has a real zeal for it. Yikes.
5. Corey Feldman AGAIN
So you guys remember how around 800 words ago I made fun of Corey Feldmans band? Well turns out that he also had a solo career that I was totally unaware of! See, this is why I love the Internet. I firmly believe that this is what it was made for. Corey released a solo album back in the 90’s when he was still relevant and not yet known for his stint on The Surreal Life. It was called “Former Child Actor” because “Future novelty actor it’s hilarious to have your photo taken with at a bar” was too bleak.
Anyways I used my Internet superpowers to bring you guys possibly one of the most embarrassing moments put to film. As an added treat this was shot on Electric Circus which you Canadian readers will remember as that show you had on in the background during friday night sleepovers.
I honestly don’t know where to start with this. I nearly started hyperventilating halfway through because I was so goddamn excited. Between the outfit, the dance moves, the out of breath out of tune singing and the camera angles I have no idea what is more funny. I think I might have died and this is my heaven you guys, my heaven is watching Corey Feldman embarrass himself on a now defunct dance show that aired on a Canadian music channel.
So there we have it guys, more awful, awful singers. Two of them are Corey Feldman which is either extra hilarious or extra depressing depending on who you ask. I’m pretty sure if I showed Corey this list though he would still be pretty excited about not being Lindsay Lohan.