The title really says it all. I went to a Christian birthday party. Now I don’t have anything against religious people, it can help a lot of people through their lives and give them peace in the choices they make. I believe in God myself. I also believe in drinking on Sundays, eating pork whenever you want and casually swearing as much as possible so as you can see my belief system is pretty lax. I also have an very long list of men who I would be totally alright with getting under. (Mom go back in time and unread that sentence) I do have a problem with people that are so religious that they are rude to people that aren’t, and people that try to push their beliefs on other people. These people were less the latter and more the former, but they were being polite about their judgment in a very passive aggressive way. It was probably one of the most awkward events in my life and I’m counting the time I nearly pooped my pants in a bath and bodyworks in Vegas.
My friend Jess got invited to a co workers birthday party and asked if I would go so the birthday girl wouldn’t be the only person there that she knew, I agreed because what the hell else do I have to do. Before we headed out on the day of the party I asked Jess, who had mentioned that girl was a bit religious, what the situation was. Jess told me she checked it out on Facebook and under religious beliefs the girl had put “Christian Mennonite” So we did what any normal people would do in that situation: We stopped at the liquor store on the way to the party.
The party was outside at a park that was home to a few baseball diamonds and a waterpark for little kids, so we show up and had a brief conversation about how much booze we should bring with us and decided to just bring a few in our purses, along with the cupcakes we brought. We hopped out and started wandering around the park looking for the party. So at this point there are two girls in their 20s wandering around a childs water park holding two trays of cupcakes. We clearly looked like child molesters. Eventually we found the group in the back of the park and walked up. Literally as soon as we showed up Jess tells them that we were wandering around holding cupcakes and we looked like pedophiles. I laughed, she laughed. No one else laughed. I should probably mention that Jess is equally as offensive as me but she can drink more.
So we sit down on the lawn chairs we brought and see whats going on. There are around 10 people there sitting on towels playing Scattogories and eating chips and cookies. In fact through the entire party I watched one chick put away 7 goddamn cookies which I mention everytime I tell the story,oh and one girl is honest to god knitting. KNITTING.One girl didn’t say anything for the entirety of the party so hopefully she was deaf and not just really boring. But anyways me and Jess sat and watched for awhile until she asked whether or not we could drink. There was a definite pause before they said we could but they weren’t. A slight bump in the road but maybe we could salvage this evening. Spoiler alert: we couldn’t.
You know when you go to the park and see dads sitting on chairs, drinking beers and watching their kids play? That’s what was going on here except take out “Dads” and put in “25 year old girls” and take out “children” and put in “people in their 20’s” This is what we had to work with so we just kept drinking. So after the rousing game of Scattergories they decided to play this game where you all roll a dice and if it lands on a 1 or a 6 you get to take a ~~MYSTERY PRIZE~~ out of the pile, but the catch is if someone else rolls that they can steal it from you. So we start playing this and halfway through we realized one of the prizes is shaped like a silly putty eggs. We aren’t morons, we clearly wanted that goddamn silly putty.
It pretty much turned into us savagely grabbing the silly putty shaped prize away from people whenever we got a 1 or a 6. After this went on for what seemed like hours they decided to end it and we unfortunately, did not have the silly putty. God was not on our side. Upon opening the presents though it was revealed it was not silly putty but some lame water balloons. Maybe God loved us after all. Defeated and silly putty-less I was contemplating drinking the rest of my 6 pack in rapid succession when the boyfriend of the birthday girl handed me something. It was a string of those Mardi Gras beads with a giant silver star taped to it. The star had “Mr/Mrs Grabby” written on it. I looked up at him in horror fighting the urge to yell WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?? at him. Apparently, he said, I was being rewarded for being the grabbiest person at the game. I looked at Jess and her eyes said “just put it on and don’t be a bitch about it” so I swallowed what little pride a person who almost pooped themselves at Bath and Bodyworks has left and put it around my neck. I was officially dead inside.
At this point in the party it is decided that we will all play a game of Croquette. I actually wasn’t too mad about this because it seems like something that could be fun with the right people, but these were clearly not the right people. As one of the guys sitting infront of us stood up both our eyes locked onto the tattoo on the back of his shin. It was a Jesus Fish. Surrounded by flames. We instantly started nudging each other while trying not to burst out into laughter. It was like this tattoo transformed us into 11 year old girls who found the word Penis in the dictionary.
So we start playing and Jess and I are clearly terrible because we’re awkward and have no grace whatsoever. After my first swing and a miss I yelled out ‘FUCK!” and then immediately regretted it…and then immediately un-regretted it because I DO WHAT I WANT. We were clearly the pariahs of this party and the fact that we were openly cursing was not helping. We were also threatening each other with croquette mallet bludgeonings if the ball did not go through the hoop and believe me, it didn’t. We were also making the other one hold the drinks while one of us was swinging. So pretty much what you have hear is two very loud girls yelling obscenities at a birthday party with very quiet Christian girls and boys. And one of us was wearing a Mardi Gras necklace with a giant star hanging from it. It was a mess.
Jess had to go pee at some point and left me to the wolves so I tried to make conversation with one of the girls, this was obviously a rookie mistake. I asked her if that was her boyfriend she was playing with and she told me it was her husband. I was shocked at this because she was only 22 and that’s really really young to be getting married especially nowadays when you aren’t going to die of dysentery at age 33 so you better get a move on things.
She asked if I was married or had a boyfriend and I replied with “Yea, I live with my boyfriend and our roommate, Karl” I have no idea why I told an extremely christian married girl this but I did. I told her I live in sin with my boyfriend and a dude named Karl. As you can guess this was met with one of those smile and nods but you could clearly tell she was judging me. It was that same look and reaction you give your super drunk friend when they tell you they love you so much and are you mad at them? because they’re really sorry they’re drunk and they just love you so much alright?!!
Thankfully Jess came back at this point and somehow I funneled my horrible social awkwardness into amazing croquette playing because we were now in the motherfuckin’ lead.
But then something happened that still enrages me to this very day. The Christians started cheating. They just started randomly swinging until they got their ball through the hoop and pretty soon we were in last place. I was so fucking choked by this because they assholes made us feel like jerks with our casual drinking in a public park and our constant cursing but they have the audacity to cheat?!?! I am pretty sure God said in the bible somewhere “Thou shall not cheat at Barbecue games” and he also wrote “Thou shall drink beers in the hot sun, I am totally cool with it” So yea I’m sure Jess said “that’s not very Christian like!!” at least twice but I was in such a haze of rage I can’t be too sure.
Finally we got back to our lawn chairs and I was hoping the ordeal was almost over but then God threw us another curveball. In the form of a THREE LEGGED RACE. That’s right.They were now gearing up for a goddamn three legged race. My eyes almost popped out of my head as they started tying their ankles together. They asked if we wanted to join and I looked down at my V Neck shirt and thought to myself “if there was ever a time for me to be hopping up and down while running and for my breast to pop out because of that motion, this would be the time and these would be the people to see my boob. All of these people would see my boob and they would forever call me that girl who came to that party and drank, swore and whipped her tit out” I realized I couldn’t be that girl and told Jess my theory. She agreed and we sat out. As I watched those happy Christians hop to the finish line I thought to myself, could this have been me if my life turned out differently? Do these people know any dirty jokes? do they ever get weird in bed? As they all fell in a giggling heap I decided NO was the correct response to all of those questions and I quietly resigned myself to a life of sin and dirty limericks.
It was now time to say goodbye to our friends and as we walked to the car we asked each other “are we terrible people?” I honestly don’t know the answer to that. I make fun of a lot of things, and I drink, swear and live with my boyfriend in sin but I don’t think I’m a genuinely bad person. I cry at SPCA commercials and give my drunk friends rides home when they call me at 2 in the morning, I don’t shoplift or sell crack to school children so I must be a good person, right? Right. Even if I almost pooped my pants at Bath and Bodyworks.