Some of you may remember my very very early article about fucked up snack foods well after re-reading that, I realized I only scratched the horrible tasting surface of this horrible snack food epidemic. I mean, when we live in a society that has Tombstone pizzas in vending machine format there is surely thousands of bad products, but I’ve decided to just highlight a few that I have personally experienced. Once again, my torment will be your joy. You sicken me.
I totally forgot about this soft drink bastard for years until just recently when I drinking in a hot tub and someone said “hey remember Orbitz?” and of course I did because no one can bury a memory forever (Right Uncle Lou?!) I think these things were only around for like half a year when I was 11 years old, and with good reason: these drinks not even look disgusting they also taste disgusting. If it smelled disgusting the makers of Orbitz might have been able to market their drink by advertising their hat trick of utter terribleness, like those jellybeans that taste like farts or whatever.
My friends and I used to roam the streets of the neighbourhood where we grew up and there was a convenience store we would always go to and buy candy and one on fateful journey rent the movie Akira for the only reason that it said on the cover that it was not for children. And how right they were. But we’re not here to talk about animated movies set in a futuristic Japan, we’re here to talk about a horrible drink that might have actually come from Japan it was that goddamn retarded.
One day on a trip to the store we saw these badboys. And being idiot children we obviously wanted to buy this drink that had a bunch of weird balls floating around in it. That drink could have been everything I wanted and more but as I drank it my mouth was instantly full of tiny, squishy balls that I obviously did not want anywhere near my mouth. The liquid part of it wasn’t like normal soda either, it was a weird syrup because I guess they needed something to keep those gross balls suspended and gypsy magic was too difficult to harness. So it was a real experience drinking one of these, and even as a child who loved sugar I knew there was something wrong and dirty about drinking what was essentially sugar water with little balls of sugar in it. It was an abomination. I also remember they came in really shitty flavours like coconut berry and whatnot. These things were really gross all around and they were quickly pulled off the shelves even before Christmas that year.
2. Doritos 3D
These came out a few years ago and also quickly disappeared from existence. Hey, Doritos: you have a good thing going, don’t fuck with what works well and what works well for you is making a cheese flavoured triangle that occasionally cuts the roof of your mouth and makes your breath smell like garbage. But not satisfied with ruling the 2D world of nacho chips, Doritos decided to try to conquer the third dimension. You got greedy Doritos.
I absolutely loathed 3D Doritos and would verbally berate anyone I saw eating them because why the fuck would you buy those when there are perfectly good 2D Doritos sitting right there. WHY. When I first bit into one of these bastards I was appalled because it felt like I just bit into a corn chip filled with stale air. You know when you blow up a balloon and then accidentally suck some of the air out backwards and it tastes all gross? That’s what I hated about 3D Doritos. I can’t be the only person who thought this. Please God don’t let me be the only person who has thought this. Plus the ad campaign was just as obnoxious as the product itself, which I assume was the brainchild of some genius who thought everyone would think a 3D chip was MORE EXTREME. I specifically remember this ad where a guy was chillin’ in a library eating Doritos like the cool dude he is and HOLY SHIT he bites into one and everything goes crazy because it’s 3D!!!! and the old woman working is all SHHH THIS IS A LIBRARY but he’s all SHUT UP YA OLD BITCH I’M EXTREME. Well you guys get the gist of it. I checked youtube but nothing came up for “Doritos 3D old bitch in library” so you win some you lose some.
3. Candy pipes
I goddamn hate these things and only once did I attempt to eat one, I must have had a good reason like some sort of really good pipe joke or maybe I was possessed I don’t really remember the scenario, just that it was probably the biggest mistake of my life. Who the hell thought up these things? I mean really? REALLY?
“Hey, you know what kids love? Pipes. You know what else they love? The taste of black licorice. Let’s put the two together and then leave them to age for years in that glass case up at the till that you have to stare at while you wait for your debit card to go through”
Fuck you candy pipe makers! I think I must have tried one because I really loved those spiderman and popeye cigarette sticks and I imagined that a pipe would be twice as fun but I was sadly misinformed. The only people who like them are, I assume, the same people who like wine gums. And I know for a fact my brother likes wine gums so I should give him one of these and gauge his reaction. It’s for science, you see.
4. Sun Chips
yea, I said it. Sun Chips are fucking terrible. You know those munchie mixes with the pretzels and the (thank god) 2D Doritos and the cheesies? Well mixed in amongst those delicious treats is this sick son of a bitch: the Sun Chip. It’s so awful I pick it out and leave it in the bowl. If you are ever at a party with me and there is munchie mix nearby you better get to it quickly because I will pick that mother clean and leave you with a depressing bowl of sun chip residue.
Sun Chips came out when I was like 7 and I instantly hated them because in the commercials it was all “oooh we’re having fun and we’re healthy and these chips are healthy and if you eat them David Suzuki and Al Gore will come to your house and shake your hand for being such a friend to the enviroment” Fuck you Sun Chips! you are a potato chip and you are making me feel like a dick. I feel the same way towards Sun Chips as I do towards Kashi. You can’t use my own white liberal guilt against me to force me into buying a 14 dollar box of cereal because it has whole grains that weren’t picked by tiny child slaves. How dare you. Just look at this pompous goddamn potato chip ad:
Ok what? That commercial was a perfect mix of vagueness and smug self-satisfaction. Godamn it Sun Chips! you aren’t any better than any other sort of potato chips and just because you put your version in a compostable bag doesn’t make anyones ass any less fatter or give them their foot back that they lost to diabetes. GO TO HELL.
Plus your chips taste like garbage.