Eclipse: A review. (They don’t bang in this one either)

insert your own "if you stare at the eclipse your retinas will burn" joke here. Oh..I guess I just did.

So to carry on my tradition of getting hammered and watching Twilight movies, then reviewing them for your amusement I was planning on getting hammered and going to see Eclipse. Unfortunately I got absolutely corked the day before at the Vancouver Pride Parade so I was too hungover to drink the next night at the movies. I just love drinking and watching gay men dressed as police officers dance on floats too much for my own good. Fortunately for you though I decided to go and see this movie anyways without my good friend Fireball.It took me all day to gear myself up for it because I was so hungover I threw up in the shower that morning. Basically what I’m saying here is I am a mess.Anyways,  Probably 20 minutes into the movie I was regretting my decision to not drink. But I watched the whole damn thing and without further ado here is my review of Eclipse. OH and it’s clearly going to be littered with spoilers but I have a feeling you jackasses don’t care. (love you)

So the film opens and we find Edward and Bella reciting poetry together in a flower filled field which is exactly what all teenage couples do. I wish my boyfriend and I did that when I was 17 instead of having to watch him play Def Jam Vendetta until 4 in the morning. (That’s right Bryant, I am still holding a grudge over that)

destroyer of souls

So after staring into each others eyes for a bit Edward decides to bring up the fact that he proposed to her and when the hell is she going to marry his undead ass? But she’s all “I’m too young to get married, but I love you blah blah let’s bang” And then she hopped on top of him and I was praying to God someones shirt would come off but Edward is all “no thank you, I will wait until we are married to see your tomatoes”

Edwards in for a shock when he sees these mismatched babies!

Meanwhile in what could possibly be an actual entertaining movie another vampire is making other vampires for the express reason to murder Bella because for some goddamn reason the entire world revolves around her even though she is the most boring character I have ever seen. So Eddie and his family are pretty choked that his main bitch is potentially going to be murdered by a bunch of bad ass vampires who spent all of their scenes jumping around burning cars and eating people, much like the LA riots I imagine. So they decide to make friends with the Werewolves/Indians in the town so they can team up to save Bella and give the men in the audience a somewhat exciting action scene to look forward to. You would think that Vampires and Werewolves would already get along because they share the common interest of being Supernatural ghouls but you would be wrong. They hate each other. I’m also just going to go ahead and point out how all the vampires in the movie are super rich and extremely Aryan and the werewolves are all poor and live on the Indian reservation. So….there’s that.

Anyways the first probably 45 minutes of this movie was just Edward and Jacob fighting over Bella. And by “fighting” I mean Edward struggled to look angry but came off just looking confused and constipated and Jacob just walked around shirtless in jean shorts, or jorts if you will.  So I’m not going to waste your time talking about that, I am going to waste your time talking about the two badass flashbacks that would have made much better goddamn movies.

First up we had a flashback of Edwards sister who tells Bella about how she used to be pretty hot stuff back in the 40’s until her drunken mustachioed boyfriend and his similarly mustachioed friends raped her and left her for dead in an alley. She then turned into a vampire, stalked them and killed them. All while wearing a wedding dress. WHY THE FUCK WASN’T THIS THE WHOLE MOVIE. 2 hours of a wedding dressing wearing revenge seeking vampire from the 1940’s sounds much better than 2 hours of good looking teenagers muttering to each other.

Edwards brother also had a goddamn sweet backstory. He was a confederate soldier who got changed into a vampire by this hot spanish broad who then used him to train other vampires to kill people. Again, WHY WAS THIS NOT THE ACTUAL MOVIE. A confederate vampire? fuck!

"I am not only a confederate soldier..I am also a vampire" "I surrender" HOW THE CIVIL WAR COULD HAVE GONE.

Anyways back to the much more boring actual story: Edward decides to ship Bella off to her werewolf friend because then the other vampires can’t find her or something? I’m going to be honest I was really hungover the whole day and didn’t eat anything so I finally got my second wind of wanting to eat in the middle of this movie so for about half of it I was obsessed over whether or not KFC was still open.

So before the big fight between the good vampires and the totally rad evil vampires Edward and Bella have some alone time to, what we all would presume, bang each other finally. Unfortunately Edward is still a giant pussy and after some heavy petting tells her to stop seducing him with her lady bits and that they have to be married first to bang. Bella agrees because I assume she is so hard up for sex she isn’t thinking straight.


Alright what the fuck Twilight. First of all you give me two good looking people and constantly make them rub up against each other so that at this point in the movie I was so worked up I was praying for a nipple or something, anything to keep me going. I would have settled for Edwards sideboob. Second of all you somehow made a movie about vampires into the lamest pro marriage campaign I have ever seen. This is not a good thing to teach young girls. I don’t mean that you should go out and bang everyone but you probably shouldn’t marry someone before you sleep with them if only to avoid some awkward pee fetish reveal or something like that. Plus if you sell it up too much then when it actually comes time to do it you’re going to be really, really disappointed. It isn’t this wonderful romantic thing it’s just something fun to do with your main man and/or woman and sometimes you can even high five afterwards. Edward and Bella should just get it over with and it should preferably be in the movie but nooooo I mean god forbid you give me something I can properly masturbate to Twilight. Fuck you.

"please button my shirt back up, It's the Sabbath and I don't want baby Jesus seeing my nipples"

So after that unsatisfying scene Edward and Bella go camping and Jacob comes to because maybe he was angling for a three way? I have no idea. Later that night there is a huge snow storm even though I’m pretty sure the rest of the movie was in the spring. I think it might have been storm Deux es Machina because it led to Jacob snuggling with Bella in the tent and it was HOT HOT HOT. Only by HOT I mean extremely tedious and annoying. I was also shoveling popcorn into my face like a mad man at this point so I might have missed some key points. I mean, I was really wolfing it down. Jenna actually thought I was doing an “eat popcorn in a funny way” bit but I was actually just going to town on that bag.

I’m pretty sure I’m missing some key points here but I just do not care. I was so sick of hearing about Jacob and Edward fighting over Bella I just wanted those two to get together because my god was it boring.

The website I took this from was called "the daily gay" so that's neat.

So now the werewolves and Edwards family are fighting the bad vampires and I have to say, it was pretty rad. I don’t know if I was just delirious from being deprived action for so long or what but it was a pretty solid little fight scene. Mainly because people were getting their entire goddamn heads punched off their bodies. Like completely off! It was fabulous.

artists rendering.

Back at camp emo shit went sideways because the head evil vampire showed up and her and Edward have a sweet duel until he rips her head off. Pretty solid.

Then a bunch of other shit that didn’t matter happened and Bella was like “fuck off Jacob I’m going to marry this asshole so I can finally get a piece” and then it pretty much just mercifully fizzled out and died. THE END.

So where does that leave me? I’ll tell you where it leaves me. Ranting and raving in the street while I wandered around looking for a place that serves food at 1 in the morning (I found a donair place and it was delish) This movie mainly made me angry for one reason and it’s not the obvious lack of boning. This book series was written by a Mormon who I assume has only had sex to produce her children so there is a serious push in these movies to be pure and wait until you are married to have sex. On its own not a big deal but the characters in this movie are 17 years old so it’s a pretty fucked up situation. I guess no less fucked up then being so hungover you throw up in the shower so maybe I shouldn’t judge. Ugh i need to rethink some major principles in my life. Or, alternatively go drink and watch Seinfeld reruns.


4 Responses to “Eclipse: A review. (They don’t bang in this one either)”

  1. 1 John B. August 5, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    Does anyone know where I can find a date? I have an STD (Herpes) and it is kind of embarrassing… John B.

  2. 2 Bryant August 6, 2010 at 7:22 am

    In my defense. You were pretty stoked when I threw Snoop Dog through a tenth storey window

  3. 4 Chris July 5, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    COMPLETELY random google searching, trying to find something that doesn’t piss me off after a long ass day at work. I find this and start reading. The mario review was funny but, this…wow. Hilfuckinlarious, made my day.

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