Ahhh Daggering. If Rasputin and Wilt Chamberlain had a favorite dance I suspect it would be Daggering, because all three of those things have led to broken vagina bones at one time or another. For those of you not in the know, Daggering is absolutely the filthiest dance invented since The Charleston. Essentially Daggering is just frantic dry humping on the dance floor but the best part is this dance seems to be only exclusively performed by Jamaicans. So if you needed a reason to love or hate the Jamaicans more than Daggering is probably something to bring up in an argument to prove your point on Jamaicans. Plus there’s this:
I know what you’re saying: “But asshole, I am already aware of dance floor dry humping and have been since my Grade 9 formal” Well listen here you little jerk, Daggering makes the 1st and a half base (under the shirt, over the bra) that goes down at highschool dances look like childs play. Daggering is full on violent banging and in some cases a guy climbs up on a ladder and drops like a majestic eagle onto an, I assume, very intoxicated womans waiting vagina. Think I’m making that up? think again dicknose!
Daggering is so goddamn radical that I have spent, on several occasions, a very long time watching Daggering videos on youtube. There are like a million of them and they are all erotic hilarious. Recently I was out for dinner with some friends and we were of course discussing Daggering at length at a very loud volume in a crowded resturant. I really want to try and come up with some answer to the questions raised at that intellectual round table, questions like
- Can you get pregnant from Daggering?
- Where did Daggering come from?
- Can you possibly break your dick from Daggering?
- Why do Jamacians love it so goddamn much?
Well after visiting my good friend Google and typing in “broken dicks daggering” I got some results. According to this article the amount of dicks being broken is on the rise (I know there’s a boner joke in there somewhere) and Daggering is to blame! Plus it’s totally from a Jamaican newspaper so you know it’s legit. By far the best part of this article is at the end where it explains that when a penis is broken there’s a loud popping noise. I can’t stop laughing at that for some reason. I do doubt that any noise could be heard over the extremely loud horrible Jamaican rap music that seems to constantly accompany daggering.
So that answers the pretty obvious question of can you break your dick from daggering, but can you possibly become pregnant? pregnant and possibly on an MTV show called “16, Daggered and Pregnant”? I would absolutely watch that by the way. My extensive search (i.e. Googling it while hitting my cat in the face with a shoelace) I couldn’t find any hard evidence of a pregnancy by daggering. But if you watch any random daggering video I’m sure you are witnessing at least three eggs being fertilized.
Did you know that you can get pregnant from bum sex providing you aren’t a male getting down with your main man? I’m serious! There’s a really really low chance of that happening but it totally can! Why am I telling you this? because if someone can get pregnant with a bum baby then someone, somewhere has definitely gotten pregnant from a rousing night of daggering while they were wearing a promotional Corona bikini or some shit.
But where did Daggering come from? Apparently it’s some dance hall craze that I assume the rest of the world caught on to because of its sheer what the fuck factor. But I would be foolish to write an article about Daggering without mentioning the king of Daggering (and also bad ass names): Major Lazer
Major Lazer is just goddamn fantastic and he has possibly the catchiest song ever, It’s called Pon de Floor and there is a breathtaking music video of it on youtube but you have to sign up to watch it. THAT’S HOW GODDAMN MENTAL THE DAGGERING IS. I would be lying to you if I told you that I didn’t get a youtube account solely to watch this video. Because I totally did. There’s lots of other Daggering videos of his you can watch without signing up but they aren’t as breathtaking, but I’m pretty sure they all include him jumping from a ladder onto a girls vagina.
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Just go ahead and skip to the minute mark. I’ll wait.
Soo….that happened. This is like his signature move, and I think eventually the ladder move will be the “did I do that?” to whoever the hell played Urkel. It will sicken him. But until that time I’m sure he is more than happy to get paid to jump ontop of women. Plus, he made this handy guide for us less cool jerkwads.
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I learned something today. That is neat.I like how the drawings in the demonstration looked like super square teens from the 50’s. but other than that it was shockingly informative! I know what I’m doing tonight! Daggering the cat Matt. Oh wait, can girls dagger? I guess we’ll find out.
So what did we learn here today? I guess we learned how to Dagger so uhh get out there and go dagger yourselves silly your crazy kids! (not you mom. You stay in the house)