Move over Oprah: my book club is all kinds of messed up.

Before I start I must mention that I am one of those people who owns a lot of books and I feel superior to people who don’t own or read a lot of books. I keep my books prominently on display in my house and I’m all smug about it. That being said, I must also mention that I own both Carrie Fishers biography and a book from 1984 that solely contains tips on how to beat Super Mario Brothers so maybe I shouldn’t be so smug after all. Also, I have never read The Catcher in the Rye. That’s right, I admit it and it feels good to get it out.

I don't even know what it's about, a horse? baseball? I have no idea.

But some books on my shelf are actually really good and if I was a less bitter person I would write about those books but instead I’m going to expose you guys to the books we should all own just for the WTF factor alone.  So enjoy my first installment of what I assume will be joining the ranks alongside movie reviews and me eating gross food: The Vodka for Breakfast book club.

1. Natural Harvest

Keep your fork! There's desert! Oh..Oh Jesus God no

At first I thought this was a cookbook for annoying vegans that never shut the hell up about much better they are than you because they didn’t eat a chicken McNugget Happy Meal for dinner. But instead it’s a cookbook about cooking with semen. Yes. This is an actual thing.

Finally this book can help me deal with the horrendous amount of semen I have laying around. My prayers are answered! Seriously though, what the actual fuck. It concerns me that someone was at one point like “you know what? I’m sick of using my semen to make babies, I’m going to use it to make a delicious tort instead”  or, alternatively “I’m sick of letting this semen go to waste in my lady bits/mouth/hand/ear canal, I’m going to use it to make a delicious tort”

Do you know how many crepes could have been made instead of these children? Like 30!

This book seems like something you should own if you like to bring out crazy things at parties (Hey guys check out this fucked up semen cookbook!) or if you’re the kind of person who likes to put their semen into recipes and then watch while your friends eat it and then never tell them (hey guys, check out this delicious tort I just made and totally doesn’t contain any of my bodily fluids!”

I’m seriously more and more creeped out the more I think about this. How did this book get published? Are these just normal recipes and they took out cinnamon and put in semen? WHY?? Are these family recipes passed down from creepy generation to creepy generation? I guess we should check out the description:

“Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients – you will love this cook book!”
NO! NO! I Will not love this cookbook! Chefs that like to experiment put apricots on their pork, they don’t put semen on it! Also, why did they mention it was available in both homes and restaurants? Is whoever wrote this working in a goddamn restaurant potentially serving me semen dishes???

I don't know if that's semen or if they just look like that normally but either way DO NOT WANT

I love how they are really pushing the selling point that semen is free and plentiful. Jesus Christ. I honestly don’t know if this book is a joke or not and but I do know this book does exist in time and space because I can order it for 24 dollars. I will not order it for 24 dollars.

2.  Alfie’s home

Well with a cover that doesn't at all look like it was a colouring page from a diner this book must be good!

Pictures from this book have been floating around the ol’ Intercats for a while but it is clearly my duty to show you all over again. Basically this is a fucked up book that essentially tells kids that if you think you’re gay it’s not because you just were born that way, it’s because a creepy uncle that sort of looks like Conan O Brien molested you and made you gay. Yup.Here it is in all it’s glory(???)

Uh Oh! It looks like this poorly drawn family are having a really tough time because their shitty big-headed dad is always yelling at them. Maybe Alfie’s uncle who constantly has rape eyes will help?

I can't decide what's worse: the molesting or that crappily decorated room.

Well that didn’t really seem to help at all actually. Shoot. Whose brother is Pete? I know that it’s not really important to the story but I would like to know. IT’S CALLED CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. Well maybe Alfies life will turn around later on in life

Alfie needs to start cracking some skulls

Well in the first page here we have the day when Alfie got stuck in a tube of some kind while his parents yelled about whether or not to put furniture in their giant purple room. On the second page we have some bullies yelling some pretty uninspired jabs but I don’t think Alfie should take it to heart. They’re just angry people because they have no legs are and just floating torsos forever trapped in a dark blue limbo. They’re jealous of Alfie’s long dancer legs. Alfie has pretty much the worst life ever but maybe a kind black doctor can help him.

Well...this is certainly...something.

And by “help” I meant “give completely wrong and ignorant advice while pointing to rudimentary drawings of people breastfeeding a young Ziggy” I know this book is obviously written by a complete jackass but I mean, how could anyone possibly believe that being  molested or neglected by your father will make you think you’re gay but SIKE not actually. Some people just fall in love with people who are on the same team. Case Closed. Anyways if you aren’t already seething with rage, here’s this

Eating Kraft Dinner right out of the pot saves any marriage.FACT.

Well Alfies parents got back together, stopped fighting and enjoyed each others company in one of their numerous huge empty rooms and Alfies molesting uncle cried and said he was sorry so it’s all good! Hurray! No one went to jail for stealing a childrens innocence and as long as Alfie pretends to be straight his parents will stay together!
So yea. I know you guys can’t see me but right now I’m yelling jibberish as I write this and as I was reading that book I was alternating between shaking my head and flailing my arms around in an angry fashion. I looked like a pissed off octopus in sweatpants. This book is funny but it’s funny uh-oh not funny ha-ha. I hope the only people who have ever bought this book did so just to laugh at it for it’s outrageous and totally wrong message. You know what? I hope tons of gay couples bought this, laughed at it over dinner and then made sweet love while the book watched.
It seems fucked up that they put so much emphasis on the fact that it’s so wrong that the kid grew up to be gay, but Molester Conan gets off after he cries. But what can you expect from an author who I assume has cloven hoofs for feet and was probably too busy firebombing abortion clinics to come up with a better name for their main character then Alfie. Yeeesh.

3. I wish Daddy didn’t drink so much

For a second I thought the authors last name was Vagina and I was laughing twice as hard
So obviously this was recommended to me by Amazon after I looked at that fucked up molesting book. Good work Amazon!  Anyways, by the looks of the cover Daddy had a hard day at work and doesn’t want to play with your dumb sled so go to bed. The plot of this book is the little girl wants to go sledding and her dad is a lousy drunk who terrorizes the house by getting drunk, dressing up as Santa and throwing presents at everyone:
“Santa dropped his beard in the toilet, here have some toys”
Dancing around the house to Van Halen:
Apparently she is more of a Genesis fan.
Bringing his daughter some ice cold beers to enjoy after a day of sledding:
“Wooo Natty Light was on sale!”
and just generally being rad in his sweet green pants:
“When I put on my running shoes with no socks today I knew I was going to slip and fall, I just knew it”
After looking at these pictures I can safely say that if this man is a monster for doing these things then I am worse than Hitler and that Evil Spock with the goatee put together. This dude just wants to party and his kid is fully harshing his buzz. Not cool kid. But in all seriousness this book is meant to help children deal with an alcoholic parent but who else but one of their parents would buy this book for them? If you’re at the bookstore looking for ways to tell your child about how Daddy or Mommy likes to drink silly juice and then piss themselves you should really rethink some life choices. Also, they have divorce kits at bookstores so maybe pick one of those up as well.
Well that’s about all for today but believe me there are several more disturbing books left for me to mock and disturbingly enough they are almost all aimed at children. Also, when I started this article I didn’t intend for it to be about semen and kids books, it just sort of happened.

1 Response to “Move over Oprah: my book club is all kinds of messed up.”

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