I actually did a blog like this before awhile ago and because I’m a vain dickhead, I was just re reading it when I realized two things:
1. I should be watching Cops right now
2. I loved many other men during my youth so maybe I should see what those jerks are up to these days
So now that the Cops marathon is over (and it was a good one with ones from the 80’s!!) I’m sitting down with my fine cognac, monocle, pipe and I have Wikipedia open in another window so let’s do this thang. What are my childhood crushes up to these days and more importantly would I have relations with them?
1. Brian Littrell
When I grew up, as a teen you had to choose between either liking NSync or the Backstreet Boys. Or if you were my friend Jess, you chose to like Canadian rap “superstar” Choclair.
Anyways, I decided to pledge allegiance to the Backstreet Boys and I think I made the right decision. I have seen them live twice in my life: once as an excited 14 year old and once as a very, very drunk 21 year old. Once you chose what boyband you loved you then had to choose a favorite member, and you couldn’t like the same member your friend did. It was all very involved. I chose Brian because, I mean, look at this man. Look at those cheekbones! my word. I also chose a favorite NSync member (Lance) which was ultimately proof that my gaydar was seriously busted at even a young age. I loved Brian because he seemed like the most pure of all the members and back when I was 14 I claimed I would never have sex until I was married (a rule that went right out the window 3 years later) So I liked the idea that if we ever met and subsequently dated he wouldn’t pressure me to bone until we were married. I said I was pure, not smart.
As I googled pictures of Brian then and now I discovered that this man has not aged a goddamn day. He seriously looks exactly the same as he did back in 1999. What is his secret? Could it be his rabid love of God? The fact that he didn’t do copious amounts of blow and drink whiskey all day like his bandmate A.J.?
Regardless the reason I still clearly would let Brian smash me. He is extremely religious as well as married so the question is would he smash me? The answer is no. He would absolutely not touch me with a 10 foot pole. But Brian, if your computer hasn’t blocked my website for the excessive use of profanity and un christian values and you are reading this I am just letting you know that I am totally willing to have sex with you. And then while you slept I would rummage around your belongings trying to find your anti aging secret. (I bet it’s goat placenta)
2. The one Simon with the mustache from Simon and Simon
I was clearly a demented child if on a list of childhood crushes a grown man in a now defunct CBS detective show is right next to a teen heartthrob. For some ungodly reason I had the hots for Simon and I have no idea why. I remember specifically one episode where Simon and Simon were outside a door and My beloved Simon got shot at through the door and totally got nailed in the shoulder. It then went directly to commercial as he was rolling around on the ground clutching his arm and I nearly lost my mind with grief. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO SIMON??
I would always get irrationally upset whenever someone on a show I liked got injured, which is extra fucked up if you think about it because when I was like 11 I was watching shows that routinely featured people being shot at.
Simon was OK (thank god!!) and I think he just put his cowboy hat back on and made some funny comment. He was the funny one apparently. Oh and also I had no idea what either of their first names were when I watched this so I just called them “Simon” and “Funny Simon” As an adult now I can not see why I would ever be attracted to Funny Simon. He dresses like a cowboy and has a mustache. I hate both those things. I wish I could go back in time and ask little Rigs what the fuck she was thinking. I’m honestly perplexed. I can understand loving David Duchovny at a young age because he’s goddamn beautiful, but Simon? WTF Rigs. But then again check out this opening theme:
I might need to get this on DVD I’m just saying. Did you see them hanging out in that hot air balloon? Oh the 80’s!
So what is my Simon looking like these days?
Oh Heavens. I’m seriously mad at myself for liking this man at some point and also for sharing that fact on the internet. Goddamn it. I’m not even trying to be funny here, I’m just legitimately upset with myself. I need to rethink some major principles in my life. Obviously it goes without saying that I would never even hold hands with this dude unless it was to help him cross the street. Actually I i did run into him on the street and told him that I loved him as a young girl it would probably creep him the fuck out. It’s creeping me the fuck out just thinking about it.
3. Alan Alda
Man I think I need counseling. This is becoming very, very upsetting. Thank god I didn’t run into a mildly handsome child molester as a youth. I would have hopped right in his van if he was wearing a suit or I guess WW2 operating scrubs. Anyways Hawkeye was clearly a babe and could also stitch you up if someone bayoneted you, so he was a triple threat: a handsome doctor with the amazing nickname of Hawkeye.
But unfortunately the Korean War is over and Alan Alda is super, super old.
I actually completely forgot about Alan Alda until he showed up on 30Rock as Jacks dad and I was all “Oh shit! Hawkeye I used to want to do you!” But I think I screamed that all in my head because I wasn’t willing to let my boyfriend know that I used to have the hots for this old man. He still doesn’t know I don’t think but he barely reads this thing so hopefully I’m in the clear. If I come home later to an empty house and a note that says “sorry I wasn’t in M.A.S.H. you sick bitch” then obviously he has caught up on his blog reading.
4. Brendan Fraser
Brendan Fraser was legit attractive when I was younger and it was socially acceptable to think this so maybe I’m back on track. I think I went to see The Mummy at least 4 times in the theater because my raging girl boner for him was so rampant. Plus I’m a sucker for a man who dresses like either Indiana Jones or a 1920’s Irish immigrant.
So anyways I also obviously watched George of the Jungle like a billion times because he spent almost 99% of that movie in a loin cloth. It was recently on TV and I tried to watch it but it was just so goddamn awful I couldn’t stomach it and part of me wept for my childhood spent oogling Brendan’s nipples. It’s true what they say: you can never go home again. But in my Brendan loving hay day I rented every single movie he was in and marathoned that shit. unfortunately that list included Gods and Monsters a film in which Ian McKellan grabbed Brendans junk and then killed himself in a pool and even more disturbing than that: the film Monkeybone.
I must have moved on to bigger and better things because by the time The Mummy 3 rolled around I couldn’t give a happy gay fuck whether or not I saw it. So would I totally get it on with Brendan these days?
Oh sweet lord. No. No I would not. What the fuck has happened here? It looks like he’s turning into a chamelon with those goddamn wall eyes he’s growing. I need to know what he has been eating and doing for the past 10 years so I can avoid those things like the plague. This is like some weird Benjamin Button shit right here, he’s turning into a weird bald fish right before our eyes. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight.
So I guess out of the 4 I would only really sleep with Brian. I think the other two would be in bed by the time I got off work and Brendan Fraser probably spends a lot of time crying in the shower. I really can’t believe that I used to have a crush on Simon. I’m serious, if you could see my face right now you would want to light a candle and pray for me. I’m super bummed.